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AIBU?

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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
Wordthe · 21/12/2018 11:33

All this from him is bullshit don't take any of it on board
Just stand back and watch, in so doing this you are handing him the rope and he is hanging himself with the rope

Keep all the messages, he's just making himself look a complete and utter dick

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2018 11:33

You may be able to get legal aid for an injunction in light of that direct threat. Please contact your solicitor about this as well as reporting the threat to the police.

Motoko · 21/12/2018 11:33

He'll deny that was a threat. He'll say he was just pointing out that any other man in the street, wouldn't put up with it, and would punch you in the face.

OP, I'm going to repeat this again. Speak to Women's Aid. Do not allow him in your house if you are alone. Do not let him take her, even for half an hour.

I also agree with other posters about getting a prohibited steps order. Speak to your solicitor today about this, and get it sorted asap. If you don't do this, and he takes your child, the police won't be able to bring her back. You will have to go to court then.

BE PROACTIVE, NOT REACTIVE!

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2018 11:34

And yes, you can normally block emails. It depends on the system you're using, but there should be a Help section that tells you how.

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 11:36

Just stand back calmly and watch him reveal himself for the idiot that he is

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 11:38

he's puffing himself up to frighten you but really he's weak ridiculous and not very clever

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 11:39

I would also not block his emails but I would change things so that the account is only used for his emails
that will be a way of separating from the rest of your life so that he can't contaminate your other email interactions

ButteryParsnips · 21/12/2018 11:43

'Fine, we'll all wait for the court to make the decision then'. Tell him that. Total projection - he's the one having a strop here. Don't listen to him. And keep those messages as evidence for later.

billybagpuss · 21/12/2018 11:45

Yep, stop engaging and get back in touch with your solicitor. You need to get things properly and legally organised.

Also ask in the meantime where you stand with refusing access completely as you have been very proactive in offering it and all he's given you is abuse.

GinIsIn · 21/12/2018 12:02

STOP ENGAGING. It’s just fueling the drama. Tell him to contact your solicitor and block him.

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 12:05

I hate you leave me alone
What is he, a 3 year old?
OP, you have survived some very difficult life events, you are very tough and you are holding it together he is a pathetic weak bully
Hold your head up and snort derisively at him

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 12:08

also check out this and the other narcissist videos you might recognise some of his behaviours😂

ShalomJackie · 21/12/2018 12:12

I actually think he has misunderstood the meaning of coparent. He thinks you want him to do it together rather than getting to a point when dc is older to have dc by himself .

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 21/12/2018 12:27

Do.
Not.
Engage. X

Stormwhale · 21/12/2018 12:29

Ignore ignore ignore. He is trying to get a reaction from you. Stand firm.

LIZS · 21/12/2018 12:30

Agree you need to stop discussing emotions and engaging in tittle tattle. Neutral facts only "x will be most awake at ? Time if you and family would like to visit/meet then. However until you have spent more time with her it is best for her for me to also be there. If this is not acceptable please contact my solicitor. "

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 12:31

Stick to the facts and be business like
completely ignore all his weeping and wailing

WellThisIsShit · 21/12/2018 12:39

Keep everything.
Get legal advice.
Proceed with the next step now, as doing what you are doing now isnt working.

It feels awful now because it is awful! And it will stay awful if you stay locked into this. This is why you need to move things along, because he won’t.

He will just keep hammering away making life awful for you until you break.

So you need to be brave, and be the grown up, and move things along. I think what that looks like is going to the police about the threats, and getting solicitors involved and going to the courts to get visitation sorted out, in a way that means you don’t have to speak to him on your own and you are protected slightly from him.

PurpleMoodyRazu · 21/12/2018 12:45

Agree with previous posters. The only thing to do is to now tell him that you are blocking all further contact with him and any arrangements for contact can now be made through your solicitor and giving him your solicitors details. Anything else is playing into into his drama.

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/12/2018 12:46

Ok. Google contact centres in your area.
Apply for prohibitive order.
If you reply. 'after your previous message I withdraw my offer to allow you to spend time with X in our home. Until we've been to court any access will be at *contact centre with a week's notice.'.
If there is any chance he knows your email password, create a new email account and forward all messages to that one for evidence. I'd also get a new SIM.

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 13:12

OP, when you say 'he doesn't get it' can you explain more about what you mean?

I'm wondering if you feel that if you could only explain things to him in a way that he would understand then he would start cooperating and working with you?

Really all of his behaviour is showing you that he does not want to cooperate with you he wants to use everything he can to manipulate control and damage you.
I know that this can be painful to accept but I think it may be easier for you in the long run if you do accept that he very probably may never cooperate with you or be a good parent

insideoutsider · 21/12/2018 13:16

Sorry but why are you still replying him? He is never going to stop and your continuing to engage is giving his behaviour life. Google 'grey rock method'. Put your phone away and stop checking your emails.

I know a man just like this and they will go on harder and stronger if you let them.

Do not reply to any further messages for another 2 days. Seriously, stop checking your emails. You've already told him what he needs to do.

Keep strong.

DunkandEggAgain · 21/12/2018 13:35

Stop replying to him. Report his threats. Persue legal action.

OhLemons · 21/12/2018 13:44

Do not contact him any more.

Have you spoken to your solicitor over the last couple of days?

Report the threat to the Police - do it now.

You cannot afford to do nothing, he is all over the shop emotionally and you need to take steps to protect your daughter and yourself.

Jux · 21/12/2018 16:01

STOP!!!!!!! just stop. He's not going to behave like a normal person no matter what you do, so stop expecting him or hoping he will.

Go to your solicitor and get a prohibitive steps order NOW.
Report the threat to the police. "...someone in the street would punch me in the face... is that a 'anybody else would' or is it 'there's a guy in your road who has said he'll punch you for me'? Either way, you certainly need to report it and tell your solicitor about it too.

He is not going to be cooperative whatever you do. Only if you do exactly as he tells you which will be very much to dd's detriment as he's only looking at his own benefit and image.

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