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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:

Jux · 21/12/2018 16:03

And call Women's Aid.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2018 16:06

I agree, you need to STOP responding to his threatening emails right now OP. Print them and give them to your Lawyer.

LakieLady · 21/12/2018 16:17

He sounds really volatile and irrational, OP.

I think it may be best to stop responding to him, tbh.

MerryChristmasArthur · 21/12/2018 16:56

Please do contact woman's aid.

Wordthe · 21/12/2018 16:59

I want to be a parent of my own accord and have absolutely nothing to do with you for the rest of my life

keep this, these are not the words of a father who wants the best for his child, he just see's her as a pawn to be used to punish and control you

Tistheseason17 · 21/12/2018 17:49

Please keep all of the messages - do not delete them
His behaviour is threatening and abusive - contact Women's Aid.
Let your Health Visitor see the messages.
Send a message advising him, " as you are not able to communicate with me about our child in a civil manner, I am blocking you from making contact with me personally and all future communication must be via a solicitor."
Then BLOCK and relax.
He has brought it on himself with his behaviour which he is responsible for. You cannot make anyone do anything - they choose to behave/react as they do. You made lots of perfectly reasonable offers. In your shoes I would be worried he would actually take your baby - I think his parents are heavily involved.
You are doing a great job - just remember the relationship you have with your son's father - it is better than normal and this is great evidence.
Relax, breathe, block him and enjoy the time with your family x

MadeForThis · 21/12/2018 20:51

Report the threat to the police.

Ignore all further contact.

Do not give him any access to dd.

Force him to go through court.

Flower0503 · 21/12/2018 21:28

Have you heard of this? Just in case you are ever in danger
www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-44871218

StepAwayFromGoogle · 21/12/2018 22:01

OK, OP, enough is enough, you need to STOP communicating with him NOW. And stop crying - he is not worth one of your tears. I mean that in the nicest possible way. You are strong, you've proven that before. Now you need to strap your big girl pants on and toughen up for your DD.

Send him one last message: 'In light of all your abusive messages, I can't see how we are going to resolve this amicably between ourselves now. I'm going to block your number and go through a solicitor to arrange access for you. I think that's the best way forward and in our DDs best interests.'

Then block. And speak to a solicitor on Monday to get the ball rolling. Don't absorb his abuse and don't allow yourself to be swayed by him. Take all the emotion out of it now - it's just about arranging formal, supervised access through the courts. Nothing else.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 21/12/2018 22:04

And you are doing brilliantly, OP. Really, really well. Your DD (and your DS) are very lucky to have you.

Original poster

Expressodaily · 22/12/2018 09:07

I can’t thank you all enough for your help I’d have been very very lost if I didn’t have it so thankyou.

I was wondering if anyone can help me with with prohibited steps order ?
Will he know I’ve applied?
Can he contest?

OP posts:

Motoko · 22/12/2018 10:15

Your solicitor is the best person to explain what happens, but as it's the weekend, I would imagine WA might also be able to answer your questions.

I've never had to do that, luckily, so I don't know the answer.

Did you speak to your solicitor yesterday? Or WA?

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/12/2018 11:13

Speak to your solicitor. If he can't communicate and work with you like a sensible adult and is being abusive and threatening then you cannot reasonably be expected to work with him.
go silent on him. Block him on email and txt. Get solicitor to send him a letter asking he now gets his own legal advice and everything is to go thru them. You need to show him now from the get go that you will not be dictated to by him and he needs to cut the shit now if he wants to be involved.

Be very strong op. As what you do now will set you up for the next 18 years... show him you will not be bullied or intimidated by him or his family. Don't worry about coming across as a bitch or what others think of you.

I went thru this with dds father. He soon got with the programme, after a warning off police for harassment and all sorts of other crap.

Surprisingly dd11 has the measure of him, and his family. all that fuss they made when actually they couldn't give a shit once the novelty wore off.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/12/2018 17:15

I have no experience getting one myself however I would try a lawyer or womens aid, they'll know what to do.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 22/12/2018 18:06

He should be "served" a prohibited steps order, and he has the right to respond.
What prohibited steps are you proposing?

Cloglover · 22/12/2018 18:19

He is horrible. Do everything you can to keep this monster away from your child. I can't imagine how awful this situation must be for you but do everything you can to sever direct communications with him. Only allow communication through your solicitor. You and your baby deserve to be happy. X

ihatebeans · 22/12/2018 18:39

I'm not sure a prohibited steps order will help you in your situation? My partner had to do that as his ex was trying to take his child out of the country without him knowing. Has he threatened that?

I would seriously ignore him OP when he is threatening you etc as txting & emailing him back is only winding him up more and upsetting you more too.

As for him speaking to a solicitor and going to the court. They're not interested unless the child is in danger and she isn't therefore your baby wouldn't ever be taken off you! He's just trying to control you! Even if he did take you to court, you would both need to go to mediation first and try to sort it out there beforehand. So you would tell him exactly what you've said over txt about seeing her with you etc. And then it would be down to him.

Have a read of this, gave me and my partner a lot of info we needed. Good luck OP and enjoy this precious time with your new baby. Do not let this man bully you into doing something you don't want to I.e. giving her to him just because it's Christmas Day!

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/residence/

ihatebeans · 22/12/2018 18:45

And as for him patronising you about your mental state! Who does he think he is? You've just had a baby and with what has gone on in your past, nobody could blame you if you're mental health was a bit 'cloudy' who's wasn't five weeks in of being a parent? Nevermind a single parent idiot.

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