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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 18/12/2018 21:44

Not at 5 weeks old. You would be negligent to allow that. And no he doesn’t get to say whenever he wants to see her. That’s what the courts decide, not a random solicitor (if that’s what they even said!). Stay firm and offer access with you present as the only option. If that is not acceptable suggest he goes to court.
Also if you do see him tomomale sure you are not alone.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 18/12/2018 21:45
  • Don't engage anymore with him by text this week.
  • Please go out tomorrow or ensure someone else is there with you. If you are in do not let him in Get the other person to call the police if he doesn't go away when asked.
  • No solicitor would say he has the right to see a newborn just like that. He's a liar.
PanamaPattie · 18/12/2018 21:45

He is trying to intimidate you. He hasn't seen a solicitor. A solicitor wouldn't offer this advice as it isn't true.

DocusDiplo · 18/12/2018 21:49

Can you aunty come over OP? Hugs

Wordthe · 18/12/2018 21:50

This man is a disgusting vile bully
he is enjoying controlling and scaring you
He's bullshiting you because he thinks he can easily keep you under control
make sure that all communications are by text and make sure you keep them all

Wordthe · 18/12/2018 21:52

he is trying to control your thought processes
when he says 'in my opinion and in the eyes of the law' he wants you to feel as if his opinion carries as much weight as the law does, as if his opinion is the law and must be obeyed

Everything that he says and does is designed to manipulate and control you

AnoukSpirit · 18/12/2018 21:53

I know you're used to doing what he says, but you don't have to anymore.

You are acting on legal advice. He is trying to scare you.

Re read what you posted after he solicitor appointment and what you were told to do. Read it again.

That is the legal position. That is what is in the best interests of your baby.

Stand your ground. I know it's scary, but you need to protect baby and yourself.

If he turns up and is threatening or scaring you, call the police immediately. Do not wait for him to become violent first, call them to keep you and your baby safe.

Controlling, abusive men very often pull the "you don't control me!" card. It's a distraction tactic - he is trying to scare you enough to regain control of you.

If you do what he tells you he has control of you.

If you do what your solicitor advised - the person qualified to comment - you are protected and in charge of your own life. You will also be doing what's best for your baby.

Good fathers don't bully, intimidate, threaten, and scare the mother of their child.

You do not have to obey him. You just need to do what's right for you and your little baby - be safe.

LittleOwl153 · 18/12/2018 21:53

Try and speak to your solicitor again tomorrow and ask what you should do in response to his demands.
Do not let him take her, do not let him in without someone else with you. He will bully you.
If he takes her he will likely not return her and as he is on the birth certificate legally the police cannot intervene sadly. Do not let her out of your sight without a court order which is enforceable for her return.

tablelegs · 18/12/2018 21:53

The text saying I don't want to be here is open to interpretation.

Save the texts he's sending you.

redastherose · 18/12/2018 21:53

You have offered for him to see his child. Since he's being abusive I would recommend that you are out tomorrow. Send him a further message telling him that since he refused to see the baby in your home when you offered as you don't like him threatening to just take the baby you are no longer willing to allow him to see him/her until proper formal arrangements have been made. Then say that if he wants to give you his solicitors name you will get your solicitor to get in touch with them to arrange contact. If you think he might turn up and kick off you can speak to the police and log his behaviour.

AnoukSpirit · 18/12/2018 21:56

If anybody else texted you saying "I'm going to take the baby out on my own tomorrow, it's not up to you and the law agrees with me that I'm allowed to do this" would you react with the same fear you are now?

Would you think "oh, ok, I better let that person take my baby".

Or would you think "jog on, that's not happening, that is not what's right for my baby, and not what my solicitor said"?

The fact you're scared of him is clouding your decision making. He is relying on that.

Stormwhale · 18/12/2018 21:59

Either go out or lock the doors tomorrow op. I would go out as it completely avoids any confrontation then.

He is wrong. You know he is wrong, as your solicitor has told you. He is lying to bully and intimidate you.

Thank goodness for those maternal instincts that will keep you strong for your baby right now. It feels utterly wrong to think of him taking her because it is. Do not give in.

Thehop · 18/12/2018 22:08

Insist on meeting with a witness and in a public place OP. Do not invite him to your home again.

By all means allow contact but meet in public until this goes to court.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 22:08

He has text me again saying

I know you are incapable of understanding normal human beings but sometimes you have to put your own selfish needs aside. You refusing to let me take my daughter is nothing more than you wanting to control her.

He is ruining my life :( all I have asked for is him to see her regularly then he can have time alone I just wanted her to know him :(
I’m not replying now

OP posts:
OhLemons · 18/12/2018 22:09

Stay strong & speak to your solicitor tomorrow.

I think an interim child arrangement order may be appropriate in these circs. It will remove some of the fear for you.

Thehop · 18/12/2018 22:09

You could say

“We obviously don’t agree, let’s leave it up to the solicitors. I’ll look forward to hearing from yours.

Until court ordered contact is established I’m prepared to meet in a public place for you to get to know her.”

And repeat.

Don’t get drawn into discussions.

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 22:11

You know he is wrong. That text is a toddler tantrum that he is having because he couldn't get his own way.

I know it's hard but try to put this out of your mind for a while and concentrate on your lovely baby. You're doing really well with all of this.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 18/12/2018 22:15

Save texts. He is just trying to control a situation where he absolutely lacks control. Let him get a solicitor - chances are he won’t. Your offer of contact is more than reasonable and will be seen as such by a judge.

Does he have money or a family with money?

glitterfarts · 18/12/2018 22:19

I agree with this:
Send him a further message telling him that since he refused to see the baby in your home when you offered as you don't like him threatening to just take the baby you are no longer willing to allow him to see him/her until proper formal arrangements have been made. So, please apply to court for access.

DO NOT LEAVE HIM WITH YOUR BABY. He will take her and not return her, and there is nothing you could do. I'd not allow even supervised access without a court order, since he threatened to take your baby.

Hidingtonothing · 18/12/2018 22:21

OP please don't be there tomorrow, you need to get a court order in place (prohibited steps order? Someone please correct me if I'm wrong) before you let him see DD again because it will be much more difficult to get her back if he takes her.

Any court seeing his texts threatening to take her would have no trouble awarding an order to ensure she stays with you. But you need that in place before he comes near her again, his PR does technically 'entitle' him to take her and you would have to take him to court to get her back.

If you apply for a prohibited steps order the court will see straight through the way he's been trying to bully you with those messages and you (and he) will know he has nothing to hold over you. He is trying to (continue to) control you, call his bluff and take the control back by getting a court order while he dicks about with solicitors letters (which are nothing but threats), it will leave him with no option but to do things the way you know is best for your DD.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 18/12/2018 22:22

I agree, he needs to take this to court. In the meantime he can have supervised access, in a neutral place.

a 5 week old baby is far too young to be away from you. He knows nothing about her routine.

He’s trying to control you, and throwing his toys out the pram.

Either be out tomorrow or have somebody there with you.

ilovekale · 18/12/2018 22:23

Do not let him take her tomorrow. Court order so it's all on record and he knows where he does and doesn't stand and is off your back

AnoukSpirit · 18/12/2018 22:24

I think you're doing the right thing by not replying.

Do you think it's interesting how the message he's sent you could very, very accurately be directed at him? Whereas it's not true of you.

How he's behaving is not normal. At all.

His behaviour is entirely focused on himself and what he wants, not what is best for anybody else, least of all this tiny baby.

And everything he is doing is about trying to have control of you, using your child.

It's like he wrote a text to himself and then sent it to you by mistake. Because none of it applies to you.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 22:25

This is adding so much unwanted stress to my life.
I also have a 4 year old ( different father )
Me and his father have a great routine- we both want what’s best for him and have never had any issues like this at all.

This makes it harder to just go out though. My sons home and routine is so important to me especially as his life has been turned upside down with the arrival of a little sister.
My health visitor is here for my daughters 6 week check in the morning- I am going to ask her what she suggests in terms of next step.
I just want it all to be simple this is draining me :(

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 18/12/2018 22:26

Ignore his text. Do not give him any more reasons to be texting you tonight.

In the morning text him to say he needs to apply to court for access.

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