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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
Celtic1hair · 18/12/2018 23:28

You sound amazing! Seriously never doubt yourself , you are a survivor, and you will get through this. Do not engage further, the text he sent you constitutes a threat and he has now blown his chance at building a relationship with his daughter with you facilitating at your property, it Is simply not safe to do so now. Let him know that if he chooses to turn up against your wishes that the doors will be locked and the police will be called. Ask him when he would like to meet in a controlled safe environment with your aunt present for support and stick to those plans- document everything and continue with your solicitors advice. Everyone here has said the same thing, please let this alleviate your anxiety tonight, however from now on you have to recognise him for the abusive bully he is and protect yourself. Emotions will be running high as from reading your other posts I believe him and his mother felt that they would have been able to control you, but you have shown how strong you are. Any disturbance call the police, get it documented and contact your solicitor for further advice pertaining to these developments. Stay strong!

QwertyLou · 19/12/2018 00:08

You poor love, this sounds awful, well done posting for support Flowers I was left while pregnant and despite strong family support, still found it very hard so can hardly imagine what it is like for you.

You are very strong and your baby is lucky to have you as a mum.

I just wanted to mention this because I had some very low moments as a very new mum. If you are ever feeling “like you don’t want to be here,” there is always, always support - you just need to reach out for it.

One of my sisters was an ED doctor for a time. She said if I was ever feeling the way you mentioned in your text, that I and my newborn could go to our nearest ED and a mental health nurse could see me.

Yes they get annoyed when people show up with an ingrown toenail or mild sniffle, but a vulnerable new mum and her newborn is neither of those things, particularly with your family background and current circumstances.

You can do this! Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/12/2018 00:27

OP you sound amazing! We all have our moments when we feel down and you have been through an awful lot and you're still here, you're still strong and you've got two children who are lucky to have you.

He's trying to bully you. You've been to your solicitor, they know the law, not him. I'd follow what the other PP's are saying, don't let him take her and let him take you to court for access.

If he couldn't be bothered to see her when she was in hospital, is he really going to go through the courts?

maddening · 19/12/2018 00:41

I would reply 'so? I have abusive messages from you and your family. And also my communication showing that I have tried to work with you for the benefit of dd, if you want what is in her interests then you would work with me instead of bullying, intimidating and threatening. There is no need for that, my offers of contact are entirely reasonable and in dds best interests which is how it should be. '

CanuckBC · 19/12/2018 07:15

You are doing fantastic in the face of such adversity. He is a scumbag who is bullying you to try and get what he wants. Don’t give in.

With his most recent threat to just come get her I would report it to the police. Especially with his past behaviour in mind. He didn’t see a licensed lawyer, maybe a friend or a bad google search🤣

Trust your solicitor, they are right and know what they are talking about. Be home and do your routine. Have someone there. Do NOT open the door for him. Call the police if he won’t leave. Make sure all doors are locked.

Keep all communication via text or email so you have proof of his asshattery.

You are a fantastic mom!

Princesspeachy0 · 19/12/2018 07:28

Do not doubt yourself. He is just trying to get his own way by scaring you.

To me it sounds like you are being very reasonable and he's lucky you continue to be because all he is doing is bullying you.

If he turns up to just take your DD, ring the police. It's not right for you to live in fear.
Flowers

ClaryFray · 19/12/2018 07:53

Go to the Dr's, speak to them about the comment you made. Ask to be refered to a counselling service. There you have proof your supported even if you don't use it.

Don't worry, it won't be taken seriously if you said it once and have no previous attempts.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 19/12/2018 12:49

I’ll come to see *** tonight, I’m not happy but I can’t not see her any longer. You must realise I’ve not abandoned her, yes it’ll be a week or so since I’ve seen her- but why does that completely quash the previous 5 weeks? You can’t deduct experience it only accumulates. And again I’m sorry I’m not being a smart arse, but this building up isn’t relevant. You say I was fine taking her alone once I spent time with her but I got a like an hour and then 30 minutes it’s not great, how can I ‘build it up’ if you instruct me to bring her back so soon. I just want what’s fair structure and freedom and you cannot instruct me on how I want to spend time with my daughter. I am trying to sympathise with the fact your mental state may be clouded but you need to try and do the right thing. I’ll be round later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 19/12/2018 12:50

I received that just before lunch- so I respond? Do I stay in?

OP posts:
Wordthe · 19/12/2018 12:55

If he is being advised by a solicitor then surely his solicitor should be negotiating with your solicitor, or at least writing to you

He's bullshiting about the solicitor

ElspethFlashman · 19/12/2018 12:58

"if you come around later I will be ringing the police to remove you from the premises. I would advise you to reconsider. I will not be discussing this matter further as all I have offered regarding contact still stands."

Wordthe · 19/12/2018 13:00

What @elspeth said!
don't respond to any of that wordsalad bullshit in his text, don't engage with any of that

LakieLady · 19/12/2018 13:01

you cannot control what I do with her, both in my opinion and in the eyes of the law I’m sorry. So I’ll be collecting my daughter tomororw

What a pillock. Not only is he wrong (in the absence of a court order that says otherwise, he can only see her with your permission), but he has sent you a text that is intimidating in tone.

Make sure you save it. You never know when it might come in handy.

VI0LET · 19/12/2018 13:01

Don’t stay in, go out to a friends . Don’t answer your phone to him if he calls.

Wordthe · 19/12/2018 13:02

His text where he said it's in your best interests to do what he says
this is absolute bullshit, everything that this man says and does is in his own best interests

Wordthe · 19/12/2018 13:05

He abandoned you when you were pregnant at your most vulnerable
He is a bad Man
If he genuinely cared about his daughter he would not have abandoned her mother while she was pregnant, the child is just a bargaining chip for him

PollyFlinderz · 19/12/2018 13:05

So he’s changed his time from saying he’ll be around to voll ct baby to saying he’ll be around to see her - you called his bluff OP and he’s now on the back foot.

I suspect though that now he realises he can’t bully you into submission anymore he’ll become conciliatory but he’lljist be a wolf in sheep’s clothing so don’t drop your guard.

You’re doing great. Flowers

Santaispackinghissleigh · 19/12/2018 13:08

Remember it's not about what's best for him - you are acting on what's best for your dd..
And having her dm mentally abused isn't it.

No contact until a judge deems him suitable imo.

inlectorecumbit · 19/12/2018 13:09

I would let him come round IF your aunt can be there too. I don’t trust him not to just turn up and take her to his mums.

Zofloramummy · 19/12/2018 13:09

It is not in your baby’s best interest to be removed from you at this age. End of. He can visit but it will be months before you are happy and baby would cope with a few hours away from you with him.
Your mental health is irrelevant you are doing exactly what any other mother would do under the circumstances. Dd is not a toy she is a person who is very reliant on her mother at this age. If he truly has her best interests at heart he would not be trying to separate you.
Also he left. He is the one who made this situation happen by walking out on you. Therefore the consequences of that are access on your terms whilst your baby is so small. If he doesn’t like it then he needs to go to court.
Don’t be bullied.

kitkatsky · 19/12/2018 13:09

I'm so sorry OP. DDs dad was just like this although she was 18 months when he started this so a bit older. He'd let himself in and take her from her cot/ collect her from nursery when I was at work etc... A solicitor is the only way to go! And get some support off Gingerbread and Women's Aid too

Auntpetunia2015 · 19/12/2018 13:11

That’s load of waffle where he’s trying to make you out to be the problem. Especially the bit about your mental health. Call the solicitor you saw the other day and tell her what he’s been saying and get her advice. And then reply with that. He’s trying to get you on the back foot he’s found bullying isn’t working now he’s being “nice”. Don’t fall for it.

Safeandwarm · 19/12/2018 13:15

If you absolutely have to have your son home for 6:30 then I would say it’s better to be in with the doors locked than to arrive home and find him waiting there. Can you all stay out tonight? Sleepover at aunties?

Chances are this is all just a bluff. Stop replying to text messages, at least for today.

If you are home and he does come. Keep the doors locked the chain on and don’t hesitate to call the police if he is causing a disturbance. I agree with pp about having someone you trust there with you if possible.

Try to keep this out of your head for the rest of the day. The most likely outcome is that he is bluffing. Flowers

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 19/12/2018 13:20

I am trying to sympathise with the fact your mental state may be clouded

Nah, fuck off with that.

He’s a gaslighting morherfucker.

UpstartCrow · 19/12/2018 13:27

@Expressodaily
Please phone Womens Aid and they can help you with legal advice, he is showing controlling and abusive behaviours.
Don't let him in to your home, tell him you are taking legal advice.