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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
HJWT · 18/12/2018 11:07

Send this reply

Do what you want, your the one who left and you are the one who chooses not to spend time with your daughter so you can get to know each other so that eventually you can take her yourself for the day, I'm sure the judge would be happy to see that your are trying to blackmail the mother of your child into giving her daughter to her dad who she does not know without having a few contact sessions with me there first, if you cared about your daughter you wouldn't be bothered about how or when you see her, my mental state is perfectly fine now as I reached out to the mental health midwifery team, and they can confirm that.
enjoy your Christmas, see you in court

Sounds like a piece of sh*t

M0RVEN · 18/12/2018 11:08

Oh I remember , this is the man who tried to force the bottle into his newborn child’s mouth with the words “ open your mouth for fucks sake” .

And you were seeing your solicitor today OP?

Have you phoned Women’s Aid and told your health visitor yet ?

BettyBitchface · 18/12/2018 11:09

I am going to bring money into the conversation, other posters have covered everything else.

Can he afford a solicitor, and I mean for more than one or two letters?

If he can afford one, is he actually willing to spend it on solicitors?

I ask the second question because abusive bastards like him are usually so tight, their arse squeaks when they walk when it comes to financial support of wife/partner/children as anyone but themselves don't usually figure much in their spending plans.

My guess is he doesn't want to spend one single pound on a solicitor so is making it up as he goes along in the hope of scaring you into submission without having to fork out the readies.

He is a piece of shit and visibly so even from the little you have told us. I suggest you write it all down and also have a good think about the other shitty things he's done in the past and write them down too. I can guarantee you that many things will come flooding back to you if you think about it for a little while, always do with shits like him.

Don't be scared of him, he's so obviously deluded it's pathetic really.

timeisnotaline · 18/12/2018 11:09

You told the midwives you were feeling down. There’s nothing that can be used against you, or the midwives would have referred you for help. Don’t worry about it. I hope the team have got back to you to reassure you by now.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 11:12

Thankyou everyone.
I am visiting a solicitor at 1pm today, my aunty said she will come with me.
It’s just an awful feeling when you doubt yourself as a parent. Obviously he doesn’t have that much concern over my parenting as he’s left me to get on with it for 5 weeks.
I think he knows he will be scaring me

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 11:12

And yes last Thursday she was in hospital for 8/9 hours- he didn’t even turn up.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2018 11:14

OP, glad you have support. Please take care of yourself as much as you can

Barmaid101 · 18/12/2018 11:16

Get a diary and note down everything! When he has spent time with her, when she was in hospital and he didn’t even get in contact. When he sends messages like that: when he does a bottle. Every time you offer him to spend some time with her, every time he refuses, every time he accepts. Keep a diary of everything so that you have a detailed timeline of it all as the newborn stage can become a bit of a blur. Keep note of the fact you have reached out to the midwife and everything.

SusanWalker · 18/12/2018 11:19

I bet he does nothing. You totally have my sympathy as the stress is overwhelming. My ex spent years threatening me with court and saying he was going for residency. In all those years I never got so much as a solicitors letter. Just horrible texts and letters from him and his girlfriend.

I had family support due to my DS having autism. He used to tell them what a shit parent I was too. It did him no favours. They told him DS didn't have to have contact if he couldn't cope with it and now DS rarely sees him. He finally had to admit to a social worker that he had no intention of going for residency. My support worker was highly unimpressed that he had been holding it over me all those years.

So don't panic. He's going to do fuck all. He's just trying to make you do what he wants. He's a bully.

billybagpuss · 18/12/2018 11:20

Don't doubt yourself, you can not expect to have a 5 week old baby to yourself without contact sessions first so he is being an idiot. Also from what you've been saying, would he be a flight risk?

Good luck with the solicitor this afternoon.

thighofrelief · 18/12/2018 11:21

OP i would urge you to take professional advice regarding attachment and age of baby. I was young, naïve and right on and gave my ex too much access without me when baby was too young. He's now an adult in counselling with attachment issues, very hard or impossible to fix that mistake.

Candymay · 18/12/2018 11:49

Stay strong. No one will remove your baby from you. If you are not involved with baby groups already then I would suggest you look for some. You will meet lovely people and get lots of support. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t be afraid of this bullying man.

If only I had known as a young person that none of the things I lived in fear of would ever happen.

I’m sorry you have no support at the moment. This will change. Things will get better. Enjoy your wonderful child!

ViragoKnows · 18/12/2018 12:00

Stand firm. He’s just generating evidence that he’s manipulative, controlling and abusive by sending texts like that.

Bishalisha · 18/12/2018 12:15

Have you sorted out application for the babies passport? Can you do this?

Reason I ask, is I had concerns regarding my son’s father. I phoned the passport office as I wouldn’t put it past him to try to report his passport as ‘missing’ and order a new one. The passport office said that as I’m the one who arranged the passport originally it’s only me who can do it.

Do you feel up to doing that for some added security? No need to tell him the baby even has a passport and it will prevent him from applying for one first and having that control

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help
Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 21:24

So I visited a solicitor today.
God I feel better.
She confirmed to me I’m doing the right thing allowing him access and that it isn’t in a 5 week olds best interests to be away from her mother with an inexperienced unfamiliar person.
She told me not to worry about the mental health dig- I sought help when I needed it and that’s on record.
She suggested I don’t do anything yet and if he asks to see her continue to say yes and see if he either does that or makes the first move

He has text me this evening asking to see her tomorrow so I replied of course I’ll be in from 6pm. He said no I want to take her my mums and I said -

No you havnt seen her in a over week nor do I want to send her when you refuse to communicate with me civally I’ll just worry- spend time with her regularly so she knows you and I’m perfectly fine with you taking her on your own. I am also willing to meet you in a public place or have someone here that isn’t me if you’re that against me being here/ coming here. Let me know tomorrow.

I’m praying he stays calm

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 21:28

That all sounds really positive from the solicitor, I'm glad you feel more positive about everything.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 21:31

His response-

It doesn’t matter what you believe to be fine, I am her father, my name is on her birth certificate at the end of the day, you cannot control what I do with her, both in my opinion and in the eyes of the law I’m sorry. So I’ll be collecting my daughter tomororw

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 21:33

He's upping the ante to try and scare you because you're not doing what he wants. Stay strong and know that he is wrong. No one in authority would support an absent father taking a newborn baby away from the only parent she knows.

If you can, respond with a calm message repeating what you said before. "No, that's not appropriate. You can have contact at x time with me or another person present, either here or at a public place."

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 21:34

He's trying to bully you.

The mental health professionals understand that there is a clear difference between feeling suicidal and actually intending/planning on killing yourself.

You are still here (thank goodness) and he cannot use those texts against you.

Keep strong, you can do this.

Flowers
Almostfifty · 18/12/2018 21:34

So you say no, you're not.

You've the law on your side.

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 21:36

Actually I wouldn't offer to leave her with him and another person unless you were absolutely sure that he wouldn't try and bully or intimidate them into letting him leave with the baby.

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 21:37

Keep stating that you want contact, reasonable contact in the best interest of your baby.

You are her mum, you do know what's best.

Your ex is clearly not liking you taking control but you're doing really well!

This is about what is best for your daughter, not him.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 21:37

He’s telling me he’s spoke to a solicitor who’s told him he’s every right to see his child in whichever way he likes...

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 18/12/2018 21:38

Lock the door. Don't be there if possible. Unfortunately, he can take her from you because he has parental responsibility and would be under no obligation to return her if he took her. He is being stupidly unreasonable.

AssassinatedBeauty · 18/12/2018 21:39

As someone said before, don't take legal advice from an abuser! He's talking total bollocks, and you know it because of what your solicitor said today.

Try not to engage with his texts. Try and just repeat the simple facts, no, his demand is not appropriate - he can have contact at x time in y place.