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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:

Bishalisha · 18/12/2018 10:25

Do not let him bully you. I put up with this bull shit for years.

Tell him to see a solicitor if he so wishes. Even if it did go to court, my judge in the land will grant that such a young baby is removed from their primary career for any substantial length of time.

Please make sure you’re letting all the right people know- health visitor, doctor, and please please please keep a copy of all his texts, letters and keep a diary

TeaPot496 · 18/12/2018 10:27

You're far more likely to have your baby taken off you for permitting her unsupervised contact with an abusive, neglectful person. Stand firm - you hold all the cards here.

Blessingsdragon1 · 18/12/2018 10:30

This sort of behaviour is now starting to be recognised as coercive control which is now actually a crime - he is actually the one who needs to watch his step !!!

Ngaio2 · 18/12/2018 10:31

SS have met men like him many times before and recognise his behaviour so don’t worry. True it is felt to generally be in a child’s best interests to know their father but contact needs to be age appropriate and whisking your DD away at 5 weeks is hardly that. In the Archers Jennifer’s vile husband was permitted contact with baby Jack only for a hour or so and supervised by Jennifer’s father in a local cafe ( and this was written in accordance with expert advice).
There is actually no point in his having contact until your DD is old enough to recognise him and what is vital at this stage is for you to form a strong bond with her. Try not to get too upset, do try to make friends with other mothers for support. Can your midwife or h v advise you about groups you can join? Good luck

TeaPot496 · 18/12/2018 10:33

I agree - this is abuse - you can ask that all further communication be directed via your solicitor otherwise it'll be deemed as harassment and you'll take legal action.

Rudgie47 · 18/12/2018 10:33

You wont have your baby taken off you for sending text messages about feeling down. Honestly, don't worry about that. Don't let him blackmail you, there is actually a 14 year max prison sentence for blackmail. Its taken really seriously.
I'd ignore him and talk things through with the midwife.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/12/2018 10:36

therwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now. Remember to keep that text. It is clear evidence of him trying to blackmail you into compliance!

As others have said, coercive control is a current hot topic with many of the support services and courts. Trust yourself, he is not doing anything that will stand him in good stead! Rather he is doing all he can to show any 3rd party that he is a bullying twat!

hettie · 18/12/2018 10:36

You're being portrayed as an unfit mother by an abuser... That's what they do. Social services will have dealt with loads of controlling creeps like him. He can contact a solicitor, he could call social services too, but neither of those things will result in your baby being removed. Call women's aid and your midwife and health visitor. Good luck

Cath2907 · 18/12/2018 10:39

He has nothing else to threaten you with!! He has picked the one thing guarnateed to get a reaction....

If you don't do what I want I'll make "THEM" take the baby off you.

Of course the "THEM" in this case have no idea what he is threatening and are in no way in any sort of agreement with him that they will take anything off you.

You had a problem (feeling down) and took the correct action (flagging to midwife team). You no longer have the problem. If he went to social services and IF they decided to contact you to discuss they would say "what is all this about?" and you would say "I was feeling down, I contacted my midwife team and they helped me and now I feel better". SS would then say "oh good, all sorted then" and go away!

If he goes to a solicitor they will advise him to go to court to secure access. The judge will then grant him access (if he is not deemed a risk) that is age appropriate to the child. So a few hours once per week, nothing more. There will also be a maintenance order so he has to pay for his child. If he pays the solicitor they may even send you a letter saying "let Mr X. see his child or he'll take you to court". To which you send a written reply saying "Mr. X. can see his child on these dates for this amount of time with this supervision. If he feels this is inadequate he can take me to court".

Deep breaths and remember he can't MAKE anyone take your baby. He can only flag concerns which you can then argue against. The professionals are not stupid and they've met his ilk often enough. Just be calm, dignified and reasonable and he stands no chance!

Bishalisha · 18/12/2018 10:43

Also- the most wonderful piece of advice I ever read on Mumsnet- do not take legal advice from your abuser

DowntonCrabby · 18/12/2018 10:44

Don’t engage with him.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing by checking in with your MH midwife. Hopefully you’ll get some good advice.

Keep the threatening text (and all texts) as I’m sure you’re doing. He’s just digging a much larger hole for himself. I’d say he’s also past he point of you being courteous and offering him contact at your place. Let him go through the proper channels and cooperate with them only and not him directly.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2018 10:45

If the midwife team had any concerns whatsoever about your parenting abilities you would know about it by now - and they very obviously know much more about it than your ex.

Any solicitor who knows what they are talking about will tell him that the courts will do precisely nothing in response to that text: it was a one-off at a time when many women feel low, the midwife team and HV would have been keeping an eye on you, they need quite extreme concerns to take a 5 week old baby away from her mother, and he would have to explain why, if he's so concerned, he did nothing about it at the time. So if he tries to suggest to you that the solicitor said anything different, don't believe him.

lifetothefull · 18/12/2018 10:45

Your previous emotional state is not a secret. You have told the midwife team about it. Therefore if any action needed to be taken, it would have happened by now. He has nothing over you. Let him tell the soliciter if he wants. Stay strong.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2018 10:47

I agree that you need to forget any idea of him having contact with the baby at your home, unless you have a couple of large friends around to supervise. It needs to be in a public place or an official contact centre.

Fontofnoknowledge · 18/12/2018 10:50

Ok OP. Breathe..... your twattish Ex is just being a bullying knob. Because he isn't getting his own way.

These are facts.

Solicitors don't grant access.
A random text message from you to him means nothing out of context.
Only a court can grant a child arrangement order.
If he is stupid enough to use a Solicitor it will cost £££££ (he could do it himself for £215)
Before he can even get to court he has to go through the mediation process. Or get it signed off.
You have already offered reasonable access for the age of the baby.
The norm would be (initially) short regular contact at baby's home (if no DV ) building up to unsupervised over a number of months once the child has developed a bond. He can't 'have' her.

Stop stressing. Tell him to go see his Solicitor with your blessing. He will tell him nothing you haven't already.

I am not a lawyer but have spent a decade in the family courts ensuring my husband has continuous access to his children from first marriage in the face of a woman determined to use them as missiles against her ex as punishment for leaving her. I've seen every possible angle of contact/manipulation/blackmail. Call his bluff OP.

hidinginthenightgarden · 18/12/2018 10:50

I don't want to be here is more likely to mean "in this situation" than being alive.
Get a story straight in your head. Convince yourself that this is what you meant and then tell him to go waste his money on a solicitor.
He really has nothing here. Keep all messages too.

mytieisascarf · 18/12/2018 10:53

Please don't worry. You and your baby have a job to do right now and that is to BOND! All of those charged with making decisions about children and babies are well advised about attachment between a baby and it's primary care giver - YOU! The advice courts and families are given about small babies is little and often... that means that where it is safe and possible babies should have contact with their other parent for very short periods of time but perhaps more often - so for example half an hour, four times a week instead of two whole days.

Stay calm and business like in your messages to him. "I would like all contact to be through our solicitors from now on. Do not make any attempt to contact me on this number". Then IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Find out if you are eligible for legal aid and get yourself a solicitor.

moralvictor · 18/12/2018 10:56

As far as I am aware, solicitors don't take babies away without significant social services involvement first. There has to be proof of significant risk of harm to the child. Solicitors can negotiate custody arrangements. But baby's father would be hard pushed to achieve main careholder status! Also, they would have to be looking for a stack of evidence, not just one post-partum text message.

justilou1 · 18/12/2018 10:56

Don’t panic. He’d have to show the context of that particular text thread to make it make sense before it was used against you. I think you need to sort out your health team now and let them know that you may need back up.

Piratepolly · 18/12/2018 10:57

Send him this:

Totally agree that the legal route is the best way to address this. CSA will also be in touch soon to sort out maintenance.

That will put him completely on the back foot and give you breathing space.

TeaPot496 · 18/12/2018 10:59

Was this the baby with rectal bleeding OP? Where her dad didn't seem surprised or concerned about it when you told him she was in hospital?

I think SS will be very concerned indeed that he is pushing unsupervised contact.

OopsInamechangedagain · 18/12/2018 10:59

Think how hard it is for separated dads to get contact let alone residency if the mum is blocking contact. It can take years of backwards and forwards in court (for the dad) even when the mum is clearly acting inappropriately. Not to say you're blocking contact of course, I'm just saying the bar is set very, very high for a child not to be in the care of their mother. If your abusive ex had genuine concerns his first port of call would be SS not a solicitor and even then SS see malicious allegations all the time - they'll know the script of these abusive men inside out. Please try not to worry

Nonibaloni · 18/12/2018 11:01

I can’t add much but I will don’t maje rash decisions. Let him engage a solicitor and do things properly. None of that happens quickly. He can’t demand to see the baby straight away. He can’t demand anything. 5 weeks is tiny and mum and baby are basically the same entity at this point.
Take a breathe. Keep everything by text or email. You’ve already reached out for help that is a sign of strength not weakness take the help you need. And I’d you feel threatened call the police. That’s what they are for.

M0RVEN · 18/12/2018 11:02

“ I don’t want to be here “ could mean lots of things.

Like “ I don’t want to keep arguing with you like this “.

Or “ I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore “.

Or “ I’m fed up being pregnant and want the baby to come ASAP “.

It all depends on context .

LIZS · 18/12/2018 11:02

Have you seen the solicitor yet? Speak to your hv and any other hcps involved in your care and show his messages to the solicitor. Also call Women's Aid who can support you through his abuse. Presumably he is not working to support his dd if he has this much time to be so vile.

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