Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

[Expressodaily]

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

If you don't understand that a 5 week old baby and it's mum are a unit then you really shouldn't be giving advice. They are a dyad. Contact for the dad shouldn't mean removing the baby from its mother. He has been offered totally reasonable contact and he has refused or behaved so badly that the offer was withdrawn. He could have seen the baby multiple times already had he been able to control himself.

@LlamaLoo is this the same father that didn't bother to turn up or ask how the child was when the baby was in hospital?

And again, conflating several issues. It is not for mum to be controlling access. That is an old fashioned view than perpetuates the belief that only mum can be a parent.

I get it, I really do. If I were OP I'd probably be doing the same thing. I'm not denying the dad is being a dick but some dads are dicks.

My friend has recently been through a very similar experience to OP and when it went to court they didn't look kindly on her putting in place arbitrary conditions to the dad's access.

She's not putting arbitrary conditions on access. She's being reasonable and offering entirely appropriate access which is being refused. It is not appropriate to remove a tiny baby from its mother for the sake of contact with the other parent. Especially when the other parent is being threatening and coercive, and may well be intending to attempt to remove the baby entirely and then refuse all access.

You have some great advice on here. Keep doing what you are doing. Also I don't think it's appropriate for him to see her every day. He left, yes see her etc but every day is hardly going to allow you and your children to rebuild your lives. I also second a pay and go spare phone. Turn it off until you know you are in a strong mood to answer/ ignore texts.

You're doing really well.

Look up secure attachment to understand more about the importance of your baby's attachment to you as its mum at this stage and the psychology research around this if you have any doubts about how important it is that you are there reliably for her at this age :-)

The Op is offering more access than a friend of mine was given in court when his baby was 5 months old!

The problem is that whilst access for the Dad is important, his communication with OP is aggressive. As he has parental responsibility she has to be cautious.

It probably would be fine for Dad to take baby to see his Mum, but as things stand there's nothing in place to ensure that she's returned.

Thankyou again everyone for your advice. Replying to what someone’s said I’m not trying to control his access at all, I just don’t want him taking her away from me when he doesn’t know her and she doesn’t know him, i said it won’t take much just visiting her in a familiar environment a few times getting to know her then we can look at him taking her for an hour then 2 hours etc. He knows I’m willing to do this because he came to see her every other day for a week and on that Sunday I let him take her to his dads for 2 hours - he since hasn’t seen her for two weeks. All I’ve asked for is consistency
I contacted him to say I was blocking his number. I then received this

Just unblock me please, I’m not into emailing its OTT, but there additionally won’t be any fighting either.

Just unblock me please, this is all over, I’m done. We can sit down tomorrow night and resolving it permenantly please, and I am in no way being nasty, you’ll see I’m willing to compromise, just don’t jump to conclusions is all I ask.

I am completely at my wits end, and I’m that fed up I can’t continue like this. Whatever has happened has happened, we can’t do anything about it now, I just love * and want to have a life with her, that’s all I care about and its crippling me feeling like this. I may have allowed emotion to supersede rationality, for which I am sorry for my part.

Let’s just get this done so we can both move forward with our lives and both reach an outcome we’re happy with.

Please please do not send anything negative back, this is genuinely difficult to express, and I don’t want any counter argument or ‘told you so’, as I’m doing my best to be 100% positive here, and it’ll really hurt if it doesn’t reciprocate.

Im not even sure what to say? It sounds very positive to me but he can be like this and then lash out

Oh, now he's trying emotional pleading to appeal to your kindness and good nature.

I wouldn't respond with anything other than an unemotional repeat of what you've already said.

He’s tried threatening you and that hasn’t worked.

Now he’s playing for the sympathy vote.

Don’t unblock him, let him use email so there is a trail . And seek advice from your solicitor on Monday.

I don't understand what it is he wants. You've offered a perfectly reasonable compromise which enables him to stay in his daughter's life, which is what he says he cares about. It doesn't need a long discussion tomorrow night, he can accept what you have offered.

It may sound positive, but this is within a very short time of him sending really aggressive posts threatening court proceedings and suggesting the baby could be taken away from you. I'd suggest you reply saying something like "There's nothing we need to discuss tomorrow. I've told you that I'm happy for you to see ExpressoDD on the basis that I've explained, which is more than fair to you and to her. I don't see any need to discuss this, you just need to let me know via your solicitor whether you accept the arrangement I've suggested."

Email back calmly and explain that due to his previous behaviour all discussions will for the moment need to take place via email as you feel it is in all of your best interests to ensure that there is a written trail of any discussions for the solicitors to see. Dedicate a specific time for tje email discussion to take place and stick to it. In your first email clearly state the intentions of the conversation (to arrange fair and suitable contact with your DC, within her best Interests). Also explain that due to past behaviour, if you feel that any abusive or untrue language happens you will suspend the discussion as this is not conducive to building a beneficial co-parenting relationship. Do not get dragged into blame or any emotional issues at all. Good luck!

he's trying to appeal to your sympathetic side to get you to back down, so that he can get back control and have things on his terms.

Ignore the bullshit word salad, he's just trying to destabilize with all the changes of approach.
dont unblock him, continue to communicate only via messaging

the reason he doesnt like messaging is because he see's that he cant manipulate you that way
he wants to speak so that he can put you on the spot, make you feel stressed, hear in your voice that you are stressed and gauge how well he is doing

Please please do not send anything negative back
what??
after all the abuse you've had from him, he can dish it out but pleads with you not to be mean to him
he can fuck right off with that

Please please do not send anything negative back

I think that means “ do as you are told “.

He is a complete tw*t, but it is in your best interests to show the courts (if it comes to it, which I hugely doubt) that you have been reasonable in attempting to facilitate access and allowing him to build a relationship with DC. However this should not be at any cost, and if you demonstrate you have tried to be reasonable in spite of his behaviour it will only be you who benefits and his behaviour will be clear to the judges. It's almost like giving him enough rope. This behaviour of switching from bullying to pleading is emotional abuse aimed to catch you off guard and either 1) get his way or 2) try and show you to be unreasonable.
Don't let him, don't see him face to face without witnesses, and don't give concrete promises such as "if you see her for X amount of time you can have her unsupervised". Make it clear what you expect and that you will review his unsupervised access when you feel comfortable with his relationship with DC. You are in control here, for the best interests of DC, and don't let him think or behave otherwise.

you currently have control of the situation and he is jerking himself around like an idiot trying to get you to drop your guard and give him something to use against you so that he can take control.

Be calm and business like with him.

I would stop conversing with him.

He doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't say. He was the one who said he'd see a solicitor, let him.

He has shown he can't be trusted, how are you supposed to believe he's not just playing nice until he's got what he wanted?

Prohibited steps order before unsupervised contact.

Look, the baby is as much his as yours,She is 5 weeks old.As soon as she can't see you she forgets you exist. It is entirely reasonable for him to take her round to her grandparents for an hour or 2.Not only does he have every right to do that, It is in her best interests to have a good relationship with him from the beginning.

why would a prohibited steps order be awarded?
.You are the one who is being unreasonable and obstructive

Maybe he has finally seen a solicitor and been made aware that the balls not in his court like he thought.

poppop anyone who's read the thread knows that your summation is totally off the mark

How is she being obstructive Pop? She's said many times he can see his daughter at her house or a neutral location but that's not good enough for him. After his threats via text surely the OP is justified to worry he may either take the baby or become impatient with the baby again like he has done in the past?

No court will take a new baby from the mother unless there are serious concerns that the child is at risk of significant harm in her care. Please do not worry on that score.
A court will see that contact with a father IS in the child’s best interests, that is true. But, you are NOT denying contact. You are merely thinking of your baby and being sensible. It is not good for a five month old to be whisked off by a father, for a lengthy period. until that relationship has been built up. He left you when you were pregnant, so it’s a shame he’s on the birth certificate and has parental reponsibility really.
Be aware that if he goes to a solicitor, the solicitor may send a letter making demands. This will have no authority, and a good family solicitor will only try to suggest reasonable arrangements.
A good way forward may be for him to take the baby out in the buggy for a short walk or so in the company of a mutual friend or a relative that is trusted by both?