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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 20/12/2018 17:35

No at five weeks old the baby definitely does recognise mum and her smell and voice and heartbeat are all she knows.

Why can’t he have the baby for an hour whilst you’re around, why does he need to take her away?

I would tell him to have contact with baby for an hour or so whilst you are near by and make it a regular thing. Then he can work up to having baby away from you on his own when she’s a little older and used to him.

I’d not bother answering his threatening and abusive texts at all (but keep them just in case).

It sounds like he’s more interested in controlling you than being a parent to his child.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 17:37

Why can’t he have the baby for an hour whilst you’re around, why does he need to take her away?
exactly, why is he being so weird and desperate?

PanamaPattie · 20/12/2018 17:38

The message sounds like it was composed by someone else. Don't engage OP. You are doing so well.

VI0LET · 20/12/2018 17:39

Have people missed the fact that the OP offered access yesterday and he didn’t turn up.

He could have seen the child 7 days ago when she was in hospital but he didn’t turn up.

That’s two times he has failed to turn up in ONE WEEK.

The OP is not obliged to meet him tomorrow to discuss anything. She is not the one who is being unreasonable .

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 17:41

he's being erratic, abusive and weird, of course you dont want him to take the baby away

Crookedcolours · 20/12/2018 17:47

My ex tried this threat with me, I was so worried about it I went to the drs to pre empt him and explain for my records and the dr just reassured me that it's totally normal and they would never take a child away for that, only look to support the mother more

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 18:06

lets also remember that he abandoned his partner when she was 7 months pregnant

those are not the actions of a man who cares about bonding with his child

DeepanKrispanEven · 20/12/2018 18:11

Please please do not send anything negative back

Point out that making untrue allegations about your mental health was just a tad negative.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 18:51

I'd imagine some of his frustration is because he didnt expect you to be strong enough to stand your ground after all the work he has done to devalue and destroy you

poppoppop100 · 20/12/2018 18:57

No at five weeks old the baby definitely does recognise mum and her smell and voice and heartbeat are all she knows.

Nobody is saying she doesn't. What I am saying is she lives completely in the moment and instantly forgets her mother when she cant see smell or hear her

poppoppop100 · 20/12/2018 18:59

Wy can’t he have the baby for an hour whilst you’re around, why does he need to take her away

Because he has every right to.Does thje Op check in with her ex everytime she takes the baby out of the house.

BonBonVoyage · 20/12/2018 19:03

Little babies need to be with their mothers. Check out the fourth trimester and attachment theories. It is not in the baby's best interest to have her away from her mother and with her abusive father - who she does not know - for any length of time.

Jux · 20/12/2018 19:07

I would send him the old schedule again, he managed to do it once and worked up to taking her away for a couple of hours. Tell him you'll have to play it by ear as he dropped contact so you have no idea whether she'll remember him or not. She's still tiny and will need to get to know him again. That may happen very quickly so you are happy to be flexible with the schedule if that's the case, but he can't just wander off for a couple of weeks and expect to just pick up where he left off, not fair on her.

billybagpuss · 20/12/2018 19:16

I agree the message does sound like its written, or partially written by someone else. But that may be no bad thing if someone else is telling him that he's being a twat and will end up having no relationship with his DD.

Have you responded OP? I would maybe reply laying it straight. At the first sign of any further abuse you will block him and insist on email contact only. In the meantime he can come around tomorrow at whatever o clock to see her and discuss the best way forward.

I would also make sure you have someone else there for support.

GummyGoddess · 20/12/2018 19:35

@poppoppop100 that is not true. Baby needs it's mother and if not in contact will feel stressed and abandoned. You are confusing this with object permanence.

Being separated from their mother is a disaster that can screw them up for life. Baby doesn't know of equality, and equality does not overcome biology. Babies need their mothers and only their mothers, they do not need to bond with a father for many months.

danni0509 · 20/12/2018 19:35

Keep your messages showing how he is black mailing you!!!!!

Motoko · 20/12/2018 19:55

OP, have you spoken to Women's Aid?

DameFanny · 20/12/2018 20:08

Poppop you're not thinking about this in terms of what's best for the baby, but in terms of "fairness" for a so-far delinquent father. Taking the baby from her mother - who knows her needs and reads her cues - would be an act of cruelty at this stage. Why do you think this should happen?

Sindragosan · 20/12/2018 20:16

I'm not into email = I know I'm an arse and don't want a paper trail.

He's realised you're serious and may resort to legal action and is desperately trying to avoid that as he'll look bad and lose. Poor attempt at emotional blackmail and arse covering at the same time.

posthistoricmonsters · 20/12/2018 20:27

My ex used to speak like this to me. He also did crocodile tears twice to manipulate me. He cycled the different approaches - anger, petulance and threats; coldness, calm unreasonable demands; apologies and presents and tears.

My DD wouldn't go to him when she was newborn; I was told she might associate his voice with danger because she would have heard him shouting and being angry round me all the time, which caused adrenaline to run through the placenta from me. My kid is pretty fubar from it. It's serious. So yeah, by all means send the tiny newborn away with the abusive father because he has rights..... He shouldn't have her away from the mother at this stage, the baby doesn't know him.

Missingstreetlife · 20/12/2018 20:44

Honestly, don't fall for it. Supervised contact only, through mediation.
My friends ex tried to sweet talk her with I promise I won't kill you!!

Not posting again but block, do not read any of his communication.
You need a referee. Good luck.

Missingstreetlife · 20/12/2018 20:45

Pop read the thread. She's scared he will snatch and won't return the child.

Hiphopopotamous · 20/12/2018 20:51

Don't fall for it OP. He's sent so much abuse to you, you don't need it when you're looking after a newborn single handedly.

Go through solicitor only and arrange something official. He's going to mess you about and manipulate the situation if it's just you and him.

frazzledasarock · 20/12/2018 20:52

Pop the father taking the baby away from her mother is completely different from the mother parenting her child.

OP is clearly doing everything in the best interest of the baby. The ex however has taken no interest in the baby and has chosen to absent himself from the baby and actively chooses not to have contact with his child.

The baby does not know the ex at all, if you say the baby will forget op in the interval whilst ex takes her then by the same reasoning baby will have no connection or bond or recognition of a man who has barely been around for her short life.

The ex needs to do as OP suggests, little and often contact leading up to increasing it to established regular contact. Which is exactly the result you’d get if you went to court over this matter.

Nobody is going to suggest or agree that a newborn is handed over to a virtual stranger for a day and taken away from her main carer.

OP I’d also get legal advice just in case. But be firm in your decision. You’re right.

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/12/2018 20:57

You're doing great OP. Stay calm, repeat via e-mail that you think it's best to keep an email trail so you both have easy access to the agreement. That you would prefer to go through the courts so that you both are able to have a neutral party help put baby first. Apply for the prohibited steps order. Ignore anything that doesn't refer to the baby. Keep track of every visit.