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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
poppoppop100 · 20/12/2018 21:02

A 5 week old baby doesn't experience separation anxiety!! That's not til about 8 months +,

I do understand how ypu feel, but I really think you should try to come to an amicable solution because the court will allow him a lot more access than an hour's visit to his parents and it will come as a much greater shock to her as an older baby!Your ex might be an arse to you, but that is irrelevant to his relationship with his DD.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 21:19

I suppose you could tell him that if he doesn't want to email you he can leave you a voicemail and you will email in reply?
I've done that before with people who insist on phoning when I would rather stick to messaging

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/12/2018 21:20

She's trying to get a amicable solution, she's worried about him not bringing the baby back, which considering what he's done before isn't such a big reach.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 20/12/2018 21:27

Oh no, the way an ex behaves towards the mother of their child is absolutely not irrelevant to their (potential) relationship with the child.

I'd tell the Ex you will let the Court decide. Take my chances as it will have the baby's best interests at the forefront and will see the situation with impartial eyes. The father doesn't have a reliable record to date.

OP stay strong and believe in yourself, you clearly have your child's needs first. Don't be browbeaten or deceived and take all the proper and best advice you've been given here and the support of your medical professionals.

Wishing you a calm, harmonious and happy future.

Feefeetrixabelle · 20/12/2018 21:40

‘I think given how swiftly things detriorated and how venomous your behaviour towards me was it’s best that we conduct all communication via email so your number will remain blocked until further notice. Should further issues arise then I will instruct a solicitor without notice and any further communication will be via them.
I understand you love our daughter I do too. And I want what’s best for her. As her primary Carer you will conduct contact at the times and locations stated by me until I am confident and comfortable in changing them.
You can see our daughter at time and place.

On Christmas you and your family may visit for an hour at time and I will give you space in the living room to spend time as a family with daughter.

I think given how things have escalated it may be best if we do plan to formalise contact and financial support via the courts so we don’t have a repeat of your poor behaviour’

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 21:45

the fact that he has been abusive and manipulative towards you is completely relevant to his relationship with his daughter
A man who is abusive towards his partner or ex-partner is not a good parent,

Motoko · 21/12/2018 00:22

On Christmas you and your family may visit for an hour at time and I will give you space in the living room to spend time as a family with daughter.

This is not a good idea! OP shouldn't be alone with him, and if he also has members of his family there, they will gang up on her.

He should have no contact until the court has awarded it. It is not safe to do otherwise.

Motoko · 21/12/2018 00:24

Remember, he's brought this upon himself by his own actions. OP offered him reasonable access, but he only wanted his own way.

NoSquirrels · 21/12/2018 00:33

OP, I mean this kindly, but firmly: you must STOP trying to interpret his mood, his meaning, his emotions.

Just stop.

It doesn't matter what he thinks, feels or says.

It matters what he does.

And what he has failed to do.

He doesn't turn up for access you've offered. He wants to make it all his own way.

Just communicate via email, and reiterate you are happy to go through official channels, or you are happy to stick to supervised access as per the schedule you gave him.

No Christmas Day shenanigans. No ad-hoc access.

Your baby is tiny and needs a primary caregiver to bond with and feel safe with. And anyone who says otherwise, at 5 weeks old, understands sweet FA about attachment.

PollyFlinderz · 21/12/2018 01:37

He probably Thinks if it was ok to take the baby to his dads at one week old it’s ok to take her out again at 5 weeks old.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2018 01:55

His texts sound like he’s already preparing for Family Court OP, he’s wording everything so very carefully and productively, he’s very manipulative and calculating is this one.

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/12/2018 08:33

You know what your all right take out what I said about Christmas Day. You don’t owe him anything.

Jux · 21/12/2018 10:17

Don't for one minute think you need to allow his family into your home. You don't and it's very unlikely it would end well if you did.

Follow what your solicitor says.

Are you getting child support from him? If not why not? If he won't support his child that will be another point against him in Court.

Stick to your guns about little and often contact. You're right and he's wrong.

GummyGoddess · 21/12/2018 10:22

Babies do experience separation anxiety. Mine and my friends children screamed blue murder when separated from us at such a young age. Dc2 is 7 months and is in the grips of separation anxiety and has been for a month so he stays by my side to keep him happy.

Between 6 and 9 months babies should be clingy to their primary carer, it means that they are developing secure attachment. Babies smaller than this need to be with their primary carer to get to this stage.

Jux · 21/12/2018 10:40

Don't try to understand what he's thinking or what his motives are. It is a waste of time and energy. Lavish that on you and your child.

He is an alien. His motives and thought are irrational and unreasonable, above all irrational. He does NOT think like normal people and he is coming from a place so far away from normal that he may as well actually be an alien.

Original poster
Expressodaily · 21/12/2018 10:58

Is there a way to block emails ?
He told me someone in the street would punch me in the face for doing what I’m doing to him. I asked him not to contact me again as that’s uncalled for. Just received this -

Oh my god I told you someone in the street would punch you for doing this to them? Boo Hoo.

Wake up and smell the coffee *, this is the real world, crying and stropping doesn’t work you spend too much time with children.

Now leave me alone. No I don’t want to co-parent, I want to be a parent of my own accord and have absolutely nothing to do with you for the rest of my life.

Now let me know when I can have * over Christmas and leave me alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 21/12/2018 11:00

I replied -

Again you’re welcome to come see * or meet somewhere any day you want and you’re welcome to take her on your own when you’ve spent time with her.

I see absolutely no need to be nasty towards me. I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to co parent but this is your choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Expressodaily · 21/12/2018 11:01

He has just replied -

Because this situation has summarised you as a person, bitter, miserable and vindictive.

Now get down from your ivory tower and join the real world.

I hate you and want you out of my life, leave me alone

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 21/12/2018 11:04

Jesus he's a nasty piece of work, dumb to boot.

He's threatened to have someone punch you? Contact the police. And your solicitor again.

Ollivander84 · 21/12/2018 11:05

He doesn't get to opt out of coparenting, he's not the only parent! He's stuck with you, he can't just expect you to disappear

Definitely make it all formal

Original poster
Expressodaily · 21/12/2018 11:06

I don’t even know why I’m crying over it. I’m so fed up. He doesn’t get it and I feel like I’m just being backed into a corner I can’t keep doing it

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 21/12/2018 11:11

You are not backed into a corner, don't let him get in your head, he doesn't have any real power over you. Make sure you keep a record of all this, he is harrassing and threatening you. Do not reply to him again for now, don't let him drag you in. Ring Women's Aid for some advice? Sorry he's being such a dick

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 21/12/2018 11:13

@Expressodaily with all kindness please please listen to some of the excellent advice you've received. Report the threat to the police and contact a solicitor (if you haven't already).

You cannot control how he behaves only how you react.

I know it feels shit but now is the time to use your reserves and do this right first time. Continue being fair in your expectations and allow a professional to work with you and guide you through it.

Much love. X

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/12/2018 11:21

Report the threat to the police.

Do you need that email account for anything?

If not I’d create a new one and swap all email stuff over to it and then simply delete the email account. What email provider are you with. If you dm the provider to me I’ll have a check if you can block emails.

It’s time to accept your not going to be parenting with this man for the foreseeable future. It’s going to be about a year until the courts set up a contact system. There’s no going back and no fixing it and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong. Your clearly capable of co parenting as your already managing it.

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/12/2018 11:22

Your daughter deserves either no father or a decent father. No child does well with an abusive father. So it’s kinder to her for in to not have contact right now.