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Original poster

Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

368 replies

Expressodaily · 18/12/2018 09:39

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

OP posts:
Wordthe · 20/12/2018 10:15

I think it's a bit like what the TV licensing people do, they send you out these letters written as if they have the power to raid your house and force you to comply
but they don't

Likewise he is just bluffing to scare you into doing what suits him or just to scare you for his own entertainment

BonBonVoyage · 20/12/2018 10:26

OP I've just rtft, I'm so impressed by how strong you are. The text messages you quoted made me feel anxious so I can only imagine how they made you feel. You're a great mum and doing a great job to protect your baby. You've had great advice up thread and I have no more to add but I just wanted to add my support

LannieDuck · 20/12/2018 10:34

I agree with the others who say at this point to direct all further contact through your solicitor (and give him the contact details).

You don't want to get into an argument about Christmas day. It will totally ruin the Christmas period for you, and he knows it. So let him 'discuss' it with your solicitor instead.

(Are you in a position, or do you have an arrangement where you can financially afford the solicitor?)

heiheithechicken · 20/12/2018 10:37

God sounds just like my ex with our newborn 5 years ago!

Unfortunately people like him don't change - they always believe they are right and are so entitled. It's hard and draining and sometimes you will feel like giving in but just think of your baby and do what's right for her. It doesn't get easier - you get stronger. Thanks

Christmasisforadults2 · 20/12/2018 10:47

@AssassinatedBeauty Hmm

Christmasisforadults2 · 20/12/2018 10:50

@AssassinatedBeauty the thread was about the text linked with his abuse.
You really are a picky pudding when wrong. Wink

StormTreader · 20/12/2018 10:50

He's trying to construct a fantasy in writing where you've said he cant have contact and he's just trying to be reasonable, probably with vague thoughts of threatening court again and using them as evidence. Sadly he's also sent you those OTHER messages beforehand where hes a ranting selfish toddler.

FestiveNut · 20/12/2018 10:57

Tell him you think it's best to go through the courts. He has now said he wants to not go through the courts, probably because the solicitor has said he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He is being unreasonable and does not have your daughter's best interests at heart. Research has shown that being separated from the mother for extended periods of time is harmful to the under ones. All she would do is cry and get stressed, which is very damaging at her age.

Did you breastfeed in the beginning all? If so, I'd be looking at trying to relactate so you can breastfeed if I were you. It would stop these conversations dead. You'd need help from a breastfeeding advisor though.

breastfeeding.support/tips-for-relactation/

Jux · 20/12/2018 10:59

Tell him everything goes through solicitors onow. You gave him a schedule of contact already. If he is unable to follow it then he can 'tweak' it as long as he keeps dd's best interests as top priority, therefore he will not consider taking her away from all that is familiar to her until he himself has built up a strong enough relationship with her which takes time and effort from him.

Then make sure tht everything goes through your solicitor. You can call Women's Aid for advice on how best to handle his nasty manipulations. The Prohibited Steps Order sounds worth investigating as a matter of urgency.

If he's going to come to your house make sure someone is there with you. They could even supervise the visit and give you a bit of a break.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 11:10

OP earlier you said his personality doesn't make sense to me
This makes me wonder if the texts don't sound as if they were written by him?
Perhaps he is getting someone else to compose them for him?

FestiveNut · 20/12/2018 11:12

@wordthe I daresay his controlling mother has had a big hand in this so far. Remember the cot debacle?

PollyFlinderz · 20/12/2018 11:17

Im another one who suspects his mum is playing a very big part in this. Not that it makes his behaviour any the more rational or acceptable.

Bishalisha · 20/12/2018 11:19

OP i'm wondering if suggestion you offer to attend mediation with him is a good idea?

I don't have much experience with the mediator as our case was deemed unsuitable for mediation but the first session is separate then if you are suitable for mediation then the mediator will assist in the next two sessions.

When you see the mediator for the first time you can explain everything on your side, he will explain his 'side'.

I'm not sure as I never saw anything from the other 'side' but wondering if a mediator would say that his demands are unsuitable for a baby the age of yours and help assist with a plan going forward

Might be a terrible suggestion, but may be more constructive and cheaper than solicitor letters back and forth?

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 11:24

@Festive, thanks I'm not well up on the backstory here but that does make sense, his mother is likely to be assisting him isn't she

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 20/12/2018 11:27

I'm wondering if he's trying to play the doting father in front of his relatives who want to see the new baby.

Stay strong OP. You've been given good advice here and you're doing the right thing.

Everything must go through the solicitor.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 11:30

I'm rereading the thread and I noticed this
he walked out on me at 7 months pregnant. During my last pregnancy at 7 months pregnant my mum commited suicide. I coped well considering
he knew that your mother committed suicide when you were 7 months pregnant in your previous pregnancy, and then he leaves you at the same point in your next pregnancy?

I doubt that this is a coincidence, I think this is deliberate, he wants to reignite the trauma that you experienced during your first pregnancy by subjecting you to another trauma at the same point in your second pregnancy

I find this very sinister, I think this man is trying to destroy your mental health.
(I apologise if I am going too far out on a limb here)

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/12/2018 11:34

be polite but firm.

You are justified in you point of view and you're acting out of the best intentions for you baby.

LakieLady · 20/12/2018 11:59

Well done for the way you've handled this so far, OP. You've been really strong.

He's a gaslighting abusive bastard and he's behaving like a shit. These professed assumptions, like seeing her on Christmas Day, are just another tactic.

I agree with the advice upthread about getting a prohibited steps order, that will give you and your DD some protection and send him the message that he can't bully you any more.

LlamaLoo · 20/12/2018 12:06

Putting aside the fact that he is behaving like a twat in how he's communicating with you, he does have a point. You're not breastfeeding so there's no reason why he shouldn't spend time with his child. You are being controlling, which is understandable given her age, but he is her dad and the decisions shouldn't all be yours to make. Co-parenting is hard but the mother doesn't have more right to a baby than the dad (unless breastfeeding restricts things).

You are demanding he sticks to your schedule before you let him have her but it is not your place to demand that. If this went to court it would reflect poorly on you. You are both her parents and in the eyes of the law he has equal rights.

VI0LET · 20/12/2018 12:09

LLamaLOo - it’s not about the fathers rights, it’s about the best interests of the child. THE CHILD.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 12:28

He is being abusive controlling and manipulative
he is deliberately trying to harm the mental health of the OP
these are not things that we should put aside
they are aspects of his character that make him not a good parent

AssassinatedBeauty · 20/12/2018 13:10

Expressodaily hope things are ok today and that you're able to enjoy time with your new baby.

Lymphy · 20/12/2018 13:19

You’ve been given some great advice on this thread OP just wanted to repeat to keep EVERY text and reply document in a diary times of calls, continue to keep HV informed as they will record it as well. Abusive horrid human he is.

Wordthe · 20/12/2018 13:23

I would like add to that ...don't just keep text messages keep a detailed log of every and all interactions
then if you do need to take things further you can present a full picture of his behaviour

LlamaLoo · 20/12/2018 14:27

How is it in the best interests of the child to miss out on bonding with her dad during these early weeks? As he's on the birth certificate he could hypothetically take possession (for want of a better word) of the baby and then he'd be in control of mum's access. I doubt very much that the masses would be refuting the mum's rights in that case. People are confounding multiple issues and dressing it up as what's best for baby. All the advice on this thread has really been what's best for mum.