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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 18/12/2018 21:23

The dreaded trip to mil has been avoided poor dd is really unsettled and has cried the whole way through the last couple of feeds which is so unlike her...

Dp is 29 years old :/ it really puzzles me because all of his siblings seem to be the same it seems to be dm says jump and they all ask how high, while its nice they have respect for their mother i cant help but find it incredibly odd how attached they all still are even at this stage of life

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 18/12/2018 22:49

TBH it's no surprise that all his siblings are the same. They've all been subjected to the same child-rearing (training/conditioning/grooming?) by the same woman. Have a google on 'Fear Obligation Guilt'. It's difficult for the children to shake off,which doesn't mean that they shouldn't try.

expat101 · 18/12/2018 22:57

You have made a family together and he is no longer the child in one. Your baby deserves not to be carted in and out from here and there but sleep in their own cot, and you deserve not to be left alone with baby! If family want to see you all, then let them all bring a plate for a shared lunch and help with cleaning up thereafter. You need your rest and a chance to put your feet up. I would be having serious words with DP.

Nativityriot · 18/12/2018 23:09

OP are you by any chance from NI? I don’t recognise you but some of the culture sounds familiar in general.

What you HAVE to realise is that the ONLY people for you to suit is you and dd. Effectively you have all the power

‘DM says you have to come up tonight?’

‘Oh, does she, awk that’s nice, the pet, but it doesn’t really suit me today so we won’t bother. Tell her thanks though.’

‘DM says I’ve to bring the baby up on boxing day without you,’

‘Hmm, well, that’s an idea, but I think I’d rather keep her with me all the same, tell her thanks but another time!’

‘DM says you’ve to ring her/ meet up (to be told off)’

‘Oh that’s nice of her, I’m a bit busy now but sure tell her I’ll call her later / next week / never when I’m a bit more free.’

Deflect deflect avoid, it’s like guerilla warfare. You forgot the other half of ‘smile and wave’ which is ‘smile and wave while doing exactly what suits your baby and yourself’

As for your DP...! Is he a man or a mouse?!

blueskiesandforests · 19/12/2018 06:21

Bloody hell twenty nine years old Shock

Glad you didn't go.

Any chance of emigrating? Australia's nice...

Flowers
JoroL · 19/12/2018 06:39

We always split the day, even before children were involved
Lunch with one family, evening with the other, this year my brother is working until 4 so doing dinner at my families at 6, OH’s at 1. We stay together either way

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 19/12/2018 08:09

I too am intrigued by their culture. Greek mamas are fiercely territorial when it comes to their male offspring! It really is jump & the sons will say ‘how high’. Luckily all changing for the younger generation- certainly in the U.K.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 19/12/2018 10:19

@Nativityriot yes we are from N.I, sorta have told myself awk well thats just irish mammys and their precious boys but i think even this goes a bit further than that :/

OP posts:
Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 19/12/2018 10:22

@blueskiesandforests i'd love to i keep dropping hints about how even Scotland would be nice Grin at this point ive even considered the Bermuda Triangle

OP posts:
Nativityriot · 19/12/2018 13:35

Haha I KNEW IT!!!!

It was ‘lifting’ the child, someone else asked what that meant!

You need to choose how YOU want things to be. Then just tell him. ‘Actually I think I want the baby to be with me on Boxing Day, and since I’m not invited to your mammies’ I’ll stay with my own. You choose yourself what you want to do.’

lborgia · 20/12/2018 07:09

Hey Blonde - just thinking about you and wondering if you're ok? Hope you're having a lovely time with your baby, and that DP has got his act together. FlowersBear

moreofaslummythanyummy · 20/12/2018 07:28

As someone with with an overbearing MIL who I finally had to go no contact with. My advice is nip this shit in the bud right now! It will only get worse!
8 weeks is too young for a "day off" especially if you are so uncomfortable with it. Dont let them pressure you into it .

Holidayshopping · 20/12/2018 07:49

What’s happening with this, OP?

PBobs · 20/12/2018 11:12

@IPromiseIWontBeNaughty I'm Greek and my English MIL is worse than any Greek one I know. Just as an aside.

OP I really think it is odd that the three of you are not just staying home and visiting parents briefly over the 2 day holiday. Would your partner go for that?

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 20/12/2018 12:06

Well dp is now staying with me and dd on chriatmas eve he will be at my parents chrostmas morning me and dd are going to stay their for dinner and hes going to his dm's... Boxing day dd is staying with me and we will call with dm for an hour before going home. Its the best of a bad situation, next year ive said me and dd are staying home everyone knows where we are at and if they dont like it well then they can lump it. Not sure it has gone down well with dp's dm but i dont really care at this point, dp claims hes trying to make everyone happy... not sure he was too pleased with my responce to that one :L

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 20/12/2018 12:11

Boxing day dd is staying with me and we will call with dm for an hour before going home.

What does that mean? You and DD and your mum will go to his mum’s for an hour? Or do you mean phone call?

Creatureofthenight · 20/12/2018 12:45

Good for you OP. Well done for standing up for yourself (and DD).

Yes Holiday call with means visit.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 20/12/2018 13:19

@Holidayshopping yeah me and dd will visit on our way home for an hour. Dreading even that but its an hour and im sure itnwill fly in Confused

OP posts:
IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 20/12/2018 14:00

Well done for standing your ground

Holidayshopping · 20/12/2018 14:08

Sounds good! Why take your DM though? Or are they good friends or something?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/12/2018 14:20

Does he not know you come as a family unit now? This is bizarre. Even the compromise you've agreed. I thought you were teenage parents not in your late twenties!

Underparmummy · 20/12/2018 15:16

Stay at your own house!!! I won't go anywhere else for Christmas now I have kids.

delboysskinandblister · 20/12/2018 15:22

Very very good for you OP! Well done for standing your ground. DP and MIL can't say you haven't made room for her (which is more than she was offering you) and you have behaved more of an adult than DP and DMIL together. MIL is part of the family - operative word being 'part'....

@underparmummy - Have to say I'm with you pull up the drawbridge and enjoy Christmas at home

OP - I wish you many more Christmas's at home with baby and DP. Enjoy your baby's first Christmas and all the precious valuable memories. Xmas Smile

Troels · 20/12/2018 15:28

Well done Blonde sounds like a good plan.

Nicknamesalltaken · 20/12/2018 16:33

Well done. This isn’t just about Christmas. You’ve set your boundaries. It’s important.