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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
OnceUponAGiraffe · 18/12/2018 10:05

If he can’t put you and his daughter first now, for Christmas, when he can do, over his mother, he never will. Tell him if he goes to Mummy he can stay with mummy because you deserve better than this.

DoinItForTheKids · 18/12/2018 10:07

This does not bode well.... but I'm relieved you were able to strongly state your case OP. Be prepared for more bullying, cajoling and guilt tripping in due course. Don't give in to it.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 18/12/2018 10:08

@Janecon we spent the last couple of xmas' apart and it really didnt bother me but now we have dd and are our own family i feel like thats irrelavent bugger me he should want to spend christmas day with his dd surely?

OP posts:
Mia1415 · 18/12/2018 10:28

This is awful. He shouldn't just want to spend Christmas with his DD, he should want to spend it with you too!!!

Does he not realise how crazy this all is.

Gth1234 · 18/12/2018 10:43

@blonde

the other thing is, you have an 8-w-o baby, so you will still have parental hormones racing around. You obviously must be bottle feeding, or none of this would be possible. Having said that, it wouldn't matter how old your baby was, you would expect this at 8weeks, 8 months, 8 years, ever. You wouldn't expect to be forced to part from your child without a good reason, and this isn't one.

I think your MIL is controlling. Most MILs wouldn't expect to separate they son's family, and it's time your DP gets a bit more assertive with his parents.

Fightthebear · 18/12/2018 10:52

Well done op for standing your ground about not being separated from your 8 week old baby (ffs!) on Boxing Day.

Really hope your dp also sees the point about the 3 of you spending Christmas Day together as a family. I feel like you’re being bullied here and you can probably expect more of it from your MIL Flowers

Janecon · 18/12/2018 10:54

@BlondeAmbition44 He should definitely want to spend it with your daughter and also with you. It may have been ok in the past but you should be spending Xmas together as a couple and as a family. You are right to feel upset about this.

CraftyYankee · 18/12/2018 11:01

You're waiting for him to speak to his mother and tell you what she says? Who cares what she says? The fact that your DP has to get "permission" from her before he can do anything is disappointing to say the least.

You and DD are not his priorities, his DM is.

If he can't realize that then there is no upside for you in this relationship.

BTW, you keep saying that his mother is baby's GM. Yes she is, but that doesn't carry official rights if she treats baby's mum like cow dung. EVERYTHING to do with baby goes through you at this age. If she doesn't treat you like a person, she doesn't get to see baby. Full stop.

Find your anger. They are treating you like a baby carrier, not a mother.

AornisHades · 18/12/2018 11:28

Dd might not remember her first Xmas but chances are she will spend her first Boxing Day missing you. It could be quite upsetting for her too.
If you can't get dp to see sense then go to your parents and then tell him it's not happening. Sounds like your parents would support you.
Then reassess whether your dp wants to be a grown up or a child.

Rogueone · 18/12/2018 11:37

Your problem isn't your MIL its your DH. Its time for him to cut the umbilical cord. He is now a father and it is pretty normal for parents to want to be with their DC on christmas day especially the first one. I cant believe he thinks it ok to skip off to mummy and then come along and pick up your DD and leave you behind... as others have said its as if you are split up. It doesn't really matter what is DM says as he has set the bar by agreeing to this to start with and now the DM will just view you as a 'problem'. Stand your ground and get your DH to do the same and do not let this turn into 'your the problem'.

Suresurelah · 18/12/2018 11:52

Why the hell does he need to speak to his mother? It’s non negotiable.

IMO, even if she extended an invite now I’d be inclined to decline it.

Holidayshopping · 18/12/2018 11:54

I already feel like i know the responce thats coming

Which is what?

hammeringinmyhead · 18/12/2018 11:55

Ugh. He means "I'll ask mummy if it's ok." Tough shit if she says it's not!

BigChocFrenzy · 18/12/2018 13:22

Your MIl seems to consider you a surrogate mother, who has produced her GC, but now has to be erased from her family

Your DH is spineless, when he should be feeling protective towards you and the baby, putting you both first.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 18/12/2018 13:27

Dp has just rung and said it might be a good idea to say up at thw il's tonight why do i feel like ive been summoned Hmm

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 18/12/2018 13:44

I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding how much power you actually have. All of it! You are the mother you are in charge now - invite declined.

DeepanKrispanEven · 18/12/2018 13:49

Are you supposed to go to the ILs with him tonight and explain yourself? Why should you drag the baby out of the house just for that? Tell him to man up and tell them all by himself, after all he was happy enough to go and spend three days with the in-laws all by himself.

AjasLipstick · 18/12/2018 13:50

He wants you to go and stay at the inlaws tonight?

Say no.

And say no to his crackpot plan too.

sparklepops123 · 18/12/2018 13:51

I sure as hell wouldn't be going

Creatureofthenight · 18/12/2018 13:51

Tell him it’s not a good idea. By all means pop over for tea, but you’ll be sleeping in your own bed. As should he.

Holidayshopping · 18/12/2018 13:57

Tell him no!

AornisHades · 18/12/2018 14:02

A good idea? Why's that then? There's nothing to discuss.

Twickerhun · 18/12/2018 14:05

Time to be strong - ‘sorry tonight doesn’t work.’

Fightthebear · 18/12/2018 14:38

But there’s nothing to discuss with your ils.

You’re not going to be separated from your dd on Boxing Day. The other arrangements are your DH’s responsibly to sort out with his parents.

MsTSwift · 18/12/2018 14:47

Wondering who these in laws are. Mafia bosses? Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip? Who put them in charge? The power balance in this set up is very odd. Are you both very young?