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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Cleo18 · 18/12/2018 14:53

OP - you are right to say this but I feel that you still have to be strong. Come back to MN if you feel that the support helps you to clarify things in your head and make your case.

GabriellaMontez · 18/12/2018 15:02

Are you both young?

It's going to be hard initially to shift the power balance but when it's done things will be much better on future. For you and your family.

If you don't tackle it now it's probably going to get worse.

Good luck finding the strength xx

Eliza9917 · 18/12/2018 15:02

Dp has just rung and said it might be a good idea to say up at thw il's tonight

Why?

I wouldn't be having any of this nonsense, its ridiculous. I'd say we'd visit on one day only, and as all of your family can't be there on boxing day, you'll go to them on xmas eve so the IL visit will have to be on boxing day.

And do not budge. And certainly do not go round there tonight.

GabriellaMontez · 18/12/2018 15:02

And start by declining this evening. It's a rotten night, you've had a hard day with Dd. Why would you want to go out ?

Rogueone · 18/12/2018 15:06

So you put your foot down and now your DH wants you to got to his DP tonight! That’s because your DH is a gutless ass and wants to throw you at his parents so you can explain yourself. Say no!

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 18/12/2018 15:32

Not quite sure why he thinks its a great idea dd is getting her jabs today so will already be unsettled... im more than content in my own house this evening, he can knock himself out at dms tonight, me and dd wont be there, but he can have fun. Going to dig the heels in with this one really not feeling up to being around them at the moment, i may snap and that wouldnt be pleasent for anyone...

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 18/12/2018 15:35

Jabs are a complete justification for staying at home (if you’re not feeling assertive).

Confusedbeetle · 18/12/2018 15:35

This is just crackers

Gth1234 · 18/12/2018 16:17

@blonde

I think we all hope you get the result you want in the end.

MadeForThis · 18/12/2018 16:39

Well done. Don't go anywhere near his mother. Let him listen to her rant if he wants.

Dd has had her injections. She needs to be comfortable at home. Not dragged into a hostile environment

Kariana · 18/12/2018 16:56

"Sorry no, that's not a good idea and I won't be doing it." You and dd are his family and he needs to put you both first. You don't expect a new mum and 8 week old baby to go around staying over at other people's houses.

He made a commitment to his dd when he agreed to have her. It's true she won't know this year but what sort of precedent is it setting for next year? Has he said what he thinks will happen in the future?

CurbsideProphet · 18/12/2018 17:01

Do you feel like his true colours are coming through now? I hope you've got good support from family and friendsFlowers

Cornishclio · 18/12/2018 17:19

I would have to say I agree with most of the posts on here that your DP is the problem here. He obviously has a pushy mum but he is a grown man, a father himself and should start acting like it.

The way any civilised partnership works at Xmas is that the time is divided between parents, in laws and some time to yourselves. We did this and alternated between my parents and my MIL until we had kids and they got invited to ours. My DD who now has a toddler and a baby does the same with her DH. One day with us and one with PIL.

Putting aside the fact your baby is only 8 weeks old she is too young to be separated from her mum a crowded house on boxing day with all sorts of germs etc is no place for her. Tell her either you both come or neither of you. Your DP should be with you at your parents on xmas day and all three of you go to PIL on boxing day. Tough if that is not good enough for your MIL. As for summons to ILs tonight just say it is not convenient as baby has had jabs today. Start as you mean to go on or you will have this controlling MIL issue your whole life. Your DP needs to grow a pair too.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/12/2018 17:36

I am so sorry those people who suppose to love you have put you in such a horrible situation OP...You sound so lovely but I am sorry to be blunt you have landed yourself with a right shower of shite...inlaws you can't help they come with the package but your OH is hardly going to win Father of the Year is he? In all honesty if anyone put me in the position you find yourself I would kick the lot of them to the kerb..Get rid OP give you and your lovely baby a chance at life instead of being hindered by these losers..I am sorry to sound brutal but at the end of the day your OH has chosen his mum over you and your daughter...and he is evil for pulling this stunt on you ....Your parents are right so are the other mumsnetters ..we cannot all be wrong ...I hope you find the strength to ditch the cretin and his family and find some peace and happiness for yourself and your baby...so much is wrong about this crap shitty idea he has had and if he can't see it for himself nothing you or anyone else will say will make any difference to his logic...he is totally on another planet to the rest of us all ..I wish you and your daughter all the best OP ....she needs you and you need her and that my darling is all you will both ever need xx

BeanBagLady · 18/12/2018 17:45

“Have spoke to d.p and have said im really not okay with being away from her on boxing day so it simply isnt happening, and he has said he will speak to his dm”

Speak to her about what? Beg her to “allow” you into her house so she can see your Dd? The correct answer from your DP was not to ‘speak to his Mum’ but “you’re right, we should spend the day together” and stick to it.

Don’t worry OP, you clearly have a loving family and your Mum will look after you and you will have an exciting Christmas.

Rafflesway · 18/12/2018 17:51

Blonde are your ils from a different culture by any chance? That would in some way explain - but definitely not excuse - this bizarre behaviour.

I must admit your DP's actions concern me greatly. Did he not want a child? He is certainly behaving like someone who doesn't really care about either his daughter or her mum but is merely going through the motions of wanting to take the baby to his mum's on Boxing Day just to please his family.

Sorry to say but unless he was prepared to spend the WHOLE of Christmas with me and dd - you can visit both sets of parents together - then that would be a complete dealbreaker for me. And I wouldn't give a flying fuck if that sounds dramatic!

blueskiesandforests · 18/12/2018 18:11

Rafflesway more traditional cultures wouldn't be separating a virtual newborn from her mother, or a husband from his wife and child would they? More likely they'd expect the Dil too, with potential for upset being more likely to be around her feeling sidelined within the gathering, or sexist expectations etc. Unless its that the DP's family totally refuse to accept the OP because she isn't "wife material", see her as somewhere he's sold his wild oats Shock and still hope he'll marry someone from his own culture.

MrsDarcyIwish · 18/12/2018 18:24

OP, you have the whole of MN behind you on this.
When you're faced with the old witch MIL keep that in mind!
Be strong@

Redken24 · 18/12/2018 19:38

Honestly what a tit he is being.
Just let him sit at his mummies.

OrigamiZoo · 18/12/2018 20:08

So you've said no and he's said he'll see what his mum says!

Say no, you've told him how it will be and it's none of her business.

Tell your DP to cut the apron strings.

kennycat · 18/12/2018 20:33

This all sounds very bizarre.

If you have a child together you are surely your own little family unit and travel around at Christmas to see various people together. (Or collectively stay away from people if that’s what you want too!)

His mother sounds like a woman who hasnt quite managed to cut the apron strings yet...

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 18/12/2018 20:38

he said he's going to speak to his mum

And??!

They have decided you need to spend the night there??

Sorry darling thank your mum for the sweet invite... But she will understand that's impossible as baby has just had her jabs and needs to be at home, as you also understand as her loving caring protective parent.

madcatladyforever · 18/12/2018 20:45

If I had a brand new baby there is no way I'd be going to stay anywhere except my own home.

blueskiesandforests · 18/12/2018 20:46

BlondeAmbition44 how old is your DP?

The only way this makes sense is if he's 17 or 18 (in which case presumably you're also very young) ...

Tartsamazeballs · 18/12/2018 21:04

All the way through this thread I just keep wondering why the hell a grown-ass woman's relationship with an old-enough-to-father-a-baby son supercedes the relationship of a newborn and her mummy.

If his mum is allowed to throw her weight around over her son then you OP have exactly the same rights over your daughter. It's the same damn relationship.

None of this "I miss my son too much" or "I need to see my mum". You will miss your daughter too much and your daughter will miss her mum.

They need to piss right off