To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

I wrote a card to “Anne & bob” and addressed it. It got there. There’s this weird thing where people will write a first name on a card when giving to the recipient in person but feel duty bound to put first name last name if putting it in the post. A last name is useful if you think that person is going to go and pick it up from the post office and needs to prove it theirs but a card will just plop through the letter box so I don’t think a last name always necessary

Do people honestly think that their kids are thicker than eg Spanish kids, and unable to navigate double barrelled names on marriage? And even better, we’re not bound here by the old sex-based traditions of what names to take.

My kids have a more visible link to me as they have my surname as well as their father’s. It’s administratively simpler for eg school, flights and doctors than friends who have different names from their kids. I also like it from a personal standpoint. I’m an immigrant and it’s important to me that my kids have a link to my history.

When they grow up and have kids, who knows? Up to them. They might pass on one, both or none. DS1 is seven and is already talking about what name he wants on his jersey when he’s a professional footballer vs what might be good to give his kids - ‘probably only one of mine so it’s fair to my wife, and probably the short name because it’s faster to write.’

Under his current plans, his kids would have links through their surname to both their parents. Quite neat, I think, but he may come up with something different down the line...

so you did want to identify your children with both of you by using both of your surnames, then? To carry on that tradition, your children's children would have incredibly long surnames, as nobody would ever give anything up

The Spanish manage by giving each child the surnames of both parents. Then when a couple marries, each having two surnames, they each pass one of their surnames to the child. Spanish women usually don’t change their names when they marry.

There are a number of other countries where women keep their maiden names - Greece, Italy, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Malaysia, Korea, etc.

MilkyCuppa - and is there a tradition as to which of their two surnames they pass on to their children, or is this a 50/50 choice? Is there any point to any of the traditions? Should any of them be respected for any reason?

And is there a particular order the surnames come in, or is that a choice, too?

@roundaboutthetown I think they put fathers surname first, mothers surname second. Each parent passes on their first surname (the one they got from their father).

Maybe daughters traditionally ensure they pass on their mother's surname and sons their father's??

Sorry - cross post. So it's still a patriarchal system, then.

Still, at least both grandfathers are equally important!

The mother retains her own surname though. And neither the mother nor the father has the same surname as the children.

@Salem, the 1950s called. They want you to come back.

MilkyCuppa - I think you mean the children have both their grandfathers' surnames and half their parents' surnames and that all anyone keeps ultimately is their male ancestors' names. So not hugely different from the UK tradition, really - it still involves name changes (adding to your surnames then taking away from your surnames when naming your children...) and ensuring everyone knows the male lineage.

roundaboutthetown re Spanish surnames:

Mario Joder Cabron
Nuria Gelipollas Coño

They meet and have two children
Victor and Lidia

They take their parents' first surnames only, but parents decide the order, both children must have the same order. Thus:

Victor Joder Gelipollas
Lidia Joder Gelipollas

Or

Victor Gelipollas Joder
Lidia Gelipollas Joder

Now, Victor Joder Gelipollas grows up and meets Ainoa Puta Mierda. They marry and have little Enrique.

Enrique Joder Puta
Or
Enrique Puta Joder.

It is quite deliciously mix and match. And you can tell one Marta Cojones Polla apart from her classmate Marta Polla Cojones, so you don't get party invites mixed up.

I live in a large town with DH and his many siblings. Our son has 12 cousins here, they all share half the same surname, but have half different. It is delightful!

Hope that's clearer.

I always respect what people ask to be called, but I don't really understand the attachment to a particular surname
I’ve had my surname for a long time. It’s familiar. People know me by it. All of my documents and accounts are in that name. And most importantly, my parents chose my first name to sound nice with my surname. My first name doesn’t necessarily sound nice with DH’s surname. Mona Jamison gets married and becomes Mona Lott, etc.

And what do most parents who do not share surnames call their children?
We gave ours DH’s surname and my surname as a middle name. When DC attend activities or groups we often register as DCName DCMiddlename for privacy. On social media both DH and I are Firstname Middlename for privacy reasons. So while DH’s surname is the legal surname for DC, my surname often gets used in private life.

@roundaboutthetown I think it is different to the UK system because parents have an equal “claim” on the child who bears half of each parent’s surname. And women don’t change their names when they marry. Nobody has a problem with mother, father and child all having different names.

I'm Ms Myname, DH is Mr Hisname and my 2 DC are A & B Myname-Hisname. We've been together for 26 years and married for nearly 19.

When people send us cards they generally just use 'The Myname-Hisname family', in fact that's what we have on our door-plate.

Not at all tricky and shouldn't confuse people of average intelligence.

Surely etiquette would dictate that you use the names people tell you to use rather than decide what you think they should be called? That's just rude.

Thanks for clarifying, elQuintoConyo. It does sound quite a fun way of doing it! Would it cause difficulties if they decided they preferred their second surnames and wanted to use them?
Yes, I see what you mean, MilkyCuppa. Do your children ever ask why you sometimes register them under one name and sometimes under the other? Or forget the name they are registered under?
It's quite interesting, the number of ways people do this!

It hasn’t been an issue. If it’s school or doctor or anything official it’s Dad’s surname. If it’s a hobby or anything informal it’s Mum’s surname (DC middle name). Like having a stage name for anonymity.

Personally I also use my middle name as a surname for hobbies etc. There’s loads of people in my private life who don’t know my real surname and therefore can’t google me, look me up on the electoral roll, identify my employer, etc. Equally work colleagues and clients etc will never be able to find my Facebook page or any other info about my private life. It’s becoming increasingly common in this world of connected digital media to use a “home” and “work” name for privacy.

Hang on everyone. We are in a transition period. In life everyone gets to choose their name & be called by it. This is the modern way and quite right too.

However we have old rules for addressing things which are based on etiquette and correspondence conventions. These have nothing to do with what you think of the person and everything to do with signalling you know the rules.

Like - if you know the person's name; sign the letter with yours sincerely. If you don't, sign yours faithfully.

Part of those rules include - if you address a letter you put Title of man then man's initial then man's surname. If you write to his wife you put Title of woman, husband's initial, husband's surname.

I think the old conventions, obviously, are not fit for purpose now and have an incorrect ring to them. Modern usage is to put first name/ surname of every person- or some posters here have suggested just first names, or the informal all at number 47, etc.

Posters like Salem are stubbornly clinging to the old way because they clearly love the unprogressive social order it implies!

But other posters, like the lady who said she knew someone had kept her name but still addressed it to Mr. A. Husbandname, asked "is that wrong?" She really didn't know.

Clearly we have a clash of styles as change is in progress. The people writing Mrs DHinitial Husbandname are sometimes making a sarky point, but some are adhering to what they consider is correct.

Different definitions of correctness and respect going on here. So don't be quick to judge motives.

I just want to meet someone called Maria Pollo Cajones!

The people writing Mrs DHinitial Husbandname are sometimes making a sarky point, but some are adhering to what they consider is correct.

But if it’s been pointed out, politely, that they are not using your correct name, then they stop being mistaken and doing what they consider correct, and start being rude.

Imo the main offenders are two groups:

1: Old people and others who are used to the old fashioned idea that a woman is a man’s property and must have his name.

2: The husband’s family who are offended that the wife doesn’t want to have their name.

I can live with the first group because they’re just following outdated social conventions. It’s the second group that really annoys me. FFS it’s not a personal insult because I don’t want to have the same name as you. I don’t want to be called Kevin or Sarah either.

"If it’s school or doctor or anything official it’s Dad’s surname. If it’s a hobby or anything informal it’s Mum’s surname (DC middle name)"

Good to know that for anything important the man's name prevails.......

I was very amused when DH was referred to as Mr. [mysurname] the other day.

My own mother affects not to remember that I didn't change my name on marriage. No idea why. She claims to be a feminist and she and my father considered double-barrelling their names.

DH wanted to double barrel his surname with mine so he was the same as the children, but he has been published and is known professionally as just his surname so he didn't. But informally if we are going out he will happily be called Mr Myname and often books restaurants and things as that. We stayed at a hotel which I had booked under my name a couple of years ago and he was called Mr Myname for the whole holiday.