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Original poster

To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

288 replies

DeeOK · 16/12/2018 19:57

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

OP posts:
ReflectentMonatomism · 18/12/2018 14:02

Part of those rules include - if you address a letter you put Title of man then man's initial then man's surname. If you write to his wife you put Title of woman, husband's initial, husband's surname.

But if people explicitly tell you they find your "rule" rude, then it's rude, and you're being deliberately rude by continuing. If you think that "etiquette" is an excuse for being rude, then your etiquette is rather missing its purpose.

Someone who continues to use their name for something, after having been told by that person the way they prefer to be addressed, is being straightforwardly and deliberately rude. There is not excuse for rudeness, particularly not over something as simple as "calling people by the name they prefer".

reallyanotherone · 18/12/2018 14:28

Part of those rules include - if you address a letter you put Title of man then man's initial then man's surname. If you write to his wife you put Title of woman, husband's initial, husband's surname

We have moved on from the times where a woman was seen as a man’s chattel.

There are still antiquated rules in existence which are not adhered to because they’re from a different era and are now ridiculous.

For example it was once the done thing for motor vehicles to stop, pull over, switch off the engine and allow a horse to pass. I am willing to bet none of those who insist on sticking with antiquated etiquette rules also still insist on that too?

Even the likes of the bloody catholic church has ditched some of it’s older customs. And they’re about as unprogressive as you get.

I do not live in 1818. I do not belong to my husband. I own property. I vote. I wear trousers and ride astride a horse, not sidesaddle. Stop addressing me by my husbands name! I am not him!

BeanBagLady · 18/12/2018 18:15

“Part of those rules include - if you address a letter you put Title of man then man's initial then man's surname. If you write to his wife you put Title of woman, husband's initial, husband's surname.”

LOL when ‘rules’ for addressing an envelope from Victorian times are more important than addressing someone by their own name when they ask.

Talk about self important attention seeking by quoting outdated rules that fulfil no purpose!

Original poster
DeeOK · 18/12/2018 18:42

The answers in this thread are making me feel so much better (well most of them areWink)

OP posts:
PoutySprout · 18/12/2018 18:58

I have a relative who sends a cheque in my name in an envelope to me but with my husband’s name. She knows I don’t use it, hence my bank account being in my name (we don’t have a joint account) but still insists on addressing me as a name I don’t use, won’t use and don’t acknowledge. It boggles my mind!

ReflectentMonatomism · 18/12/2018 21:36

She knows I don’t use it, hence my bank account being in my name

So she's being rude and obnoxious. Why is it that people fall back on the "it's etiquette, innit?" non-argument use that non-argument to be deliberately rude?

Write "not known at this address" across the cheque and send it back, torn in half. She's being deliberately unpleasant.

BeanBagLady · 19/12/2018 07:51

To be fair Reflectent she might be one of these people who have been brought up to understand the addressing of envelopes in Edwardian times to be the factor that matters above all else.

It does seem to have quite a hold over people.

BertrandRussell · 19/12/2018 07:55

“DH wanted to double barrel his surname with mine so he was the same as the children, but he has been published and is known professionally as just his surname so he didn't”
Yep. Really hard for him- he must be one of the few people in the world to have ever faced this issue. Oh wait. When I said “people” obviously I meant “men”.........

MulticolourMophead · 19/12/2018 08:25

Part of those rules include - if you address a letter you put Title of man then man's initial then man's surname. If you write to his wife you put Title of woman, husband's initial, husband's surname.

And the first part of the rules is that you address the person by the name they actually use, if you've been told it. Only if you don't know, do the rules kick in. So pretty much all of the people insisting on using the outdated "rules" are wrong and are doing it to make some point or other.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2018 08:48

Its usually the other way round, isnt it
where by they call you by your maiden name through force of habit.

roundaboutthetown · 19/12/2018 08:52

The "rules" are ludicrous, as is anyone who follows them slavishly when they know them to be considered offensive (by, probably, the majority of women these days... I would certainly be offended to be addressed as Mrs my husband's first name initial, surname). It's very Cynthia Bucket to stick rigidly to blatantly outdated "rules" - obsessed with the appearance of correctness when the reality is to come across as rude.

reallyanotherone · 19/12/2018 09:00

DH wanted to double barrel his surname with mine so he was the same as the children, but he has been published and is known professionally as just his surname so he didn't

Or, like many women who have professional careers, he could have changed his name on marriage, and kept his “maiden” name for work purposes.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/12/2018 09:42

As long as I know how you want to be addressed I go with it. If you're Miss/Ms A A and Mr B B, married or not, that's fine, I go with it. If I'm unsure I might take a guess at Mr & Mrs B but I'm more likely to just address the envelope to the person I know - so envelope will say Mrs A B, then the card will say To B & A inside. If you want different, TELL ME NICELY, I do keep notes!! I'm always careful to use correct titles where they apply and consider how "other halves" want to be addressed.

My only comment is that the shorter the addressee, the neater and quicker to write it, but it's hardly a bother to spend an extra 10 secs getting it right. I personally use Miss and hate to be Ms and complain/demand correction if it gets used for me, so why wouldn't I do that for others? I'd really rather not piss people off. Especially as I know a "Sir" who uses just "his name" as much as possible. I probably would change a name upon marriage, and don't have an issue personally with being "mrs my initial his name" or "mrs his initial his name" - both equally acceptable now. I would just like that choice respected if it happens. Although it's probably a bit old fashioned, I know. Even Tatler & Bystander dropped the "Mrs his initial his name" or "Mrs her initial his surname" act for widows and divorcees about a decade ago!

elQuintoConyo · 19/12/2018 12:26

MarklahMarkleh time for a Mumsnet name change? Grin

I was wondering if there were any Spanish speakers on this thread, i just thought i'd sneak in some awesome surnames.

I do know a Monica Seisdedos Grin

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/12/2018 12:46

@elQuintoConyo don't know about anyone else but I enjoyed them! I was hoping you'd go for Joder Cojones. Who wouldn't want to be Miss Fuck Bollocks!

elQuintoConyo · 19/12/2018 14:22

Miss Fuck Bollocks Grin

I'm sure she'd still get her post addressed to Mr W. Anks-Muchly because 'tradition'.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 19/12/2018 14:50

Ah tradition. Poor Miss Fuck Bollocks.

One of my friends had a maiden name that is a synonym for "horrible" or "disgusting" and also had alliteration with her first name (think "Nicola Nasty"). Even the most "keep your name and refuse to be subjugated" amongst our friends knew not to say anything when this girl changed her surname upon marriage!

GlitterStick · 19/12/2018 15:07

I personally find it weird keeping your own name after marriage, but I'd respect your wishes.
They're being rude by constantly referring to the wrong name.
Do it to them and they might get it now then how annoying it is.

StroppyWoman · 19/12/2018 15:08

I haven't read the full thread, but yes, this drives me blinking batshit when people use his surname for me.

JassyRadlett · 19/12/2018 15:28

I personally find it weird keeping your own name after marriage, but I'd respect your wishes.

Really? The majority of people do it.

Most of those people are male. Does being male reduce the weirdness?

GlitterStick · 19/12/2018 15:33

I said I'd respect your wishes and call you the right name.
Surely that should work both ways - that you respect other views too.
Each to their own.

TemptressofWaikiki · 19/12/2018 15:51

I started referring to those that do not use my correct name as 'Thingy'. One snapped at me that this was not their name. I shrugged shoulders and told them that I thought it did not seem to matter since they could not be bothered to ever get mine right. I am pretty sure those goady feckers who patronise posters on here and haughtily deem it to be of no importance would not be as dismissive it happened to them.

ReflectentMonatomism · 19/12/2018 16:00

that you respect other views too.

I couldn't give a shit what anyone's views on names are. You call people by the name they tell you they want to be known by. The end. If someone introduces themselves as Kate, they are Kate, not Kathy, Katherine, Catherine, Cathrine (sic), Katy or anything else. If someone introduces themselves as Dr A Whatever, they are Dr A Whatever, even if you think using your PhD outside work is pretentious, even if you think people with MBChBs aren't real doctors, even if you know they are married to Professor B SomethingElse, even if you know their dad is called C ThirdThing and that Whatever is their maternal grandmother's name and that A is the initial of the third name on their birth certificate.

If you don't know, you go with the centre ground. I can't imagine a situation where you are sending people whose names you don't know Christmas cards, but I suppose you might be sending a card to someone whose spouse you only know by given name and you have no reason to know which surname they use. In which case, you would have to be easily offended to find "Hisname and Hername Hissurname" offensive.

(I recently removed all honorifics from my Christmas card labels, which finesses the issue: even people living in inter-war drawing room comedies who make the case for "Mrs HisInitial HisSurname" aren't going to address a woman as "HisInitial HisSurname")

GlitterStick · 19/12/2018 16:04

Are you missing where I said even though I find it weird, of course I'd call you by the name you go by? Confused
It's just being rude not to, there's no excuse.

BollockingBaubles · 19/12/2018 16:12

@GlitterStick you said you think it's weirded to not change name on marriage.

Pointing out majority of men don't change names on marriage isn't disrespecting your choice. You could find it weird that majority of men don't want their wife's surname on marriage or that you think a woman not wanting to change her name is weird.

I think it's weird to expect women to conform to sexist practices in the name of tradition. You're right it works both ways, If you say one persons choice is weird then people can say it's not weird in reply, or ask if you meant men not wanting to change names are weird or just women.