To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

"My son and his partner have 4 children but are not married. I always address post to The (son's surname) family, or to them as a couple I put her first name and son's full name. ( Susan, and John Smith) Am I wrong? " Yes on both counts.

Yes 81Byerley that's wrong. Just call both women by their names, in the same way you do their partners. It's really simple.

@BertrandRussell Why would that be rude? It is the proper way to do things. And it saves time and fuss. Surely the Goddaughter should understand. It's only an envelope. It's not as if she is writing on a legal document.

The "proper" way to do things is to address people they was they want to be addressed. The god daughter has chosen not to change her name and is still legally her unmarried name. Calling her by her husband's name is wrong. The change is not automatic.

You would expect that, at some point this "Taking the Males name" bolllocks will stop surely? . It's 2018.. Men don't own women anymore ...

Strangely...

My X wife took my surname, and never gave it back after we divorced, which I think is even more odd! ...

I've got elderly relatives who send cards to me addressed as Mrs "his initial" "his surname". It irked me but I appreciate that is the correct etiquette although somewhat outdated these days.

We split up and divorced due to him being violent and drunk. The relatives are aware of this.

I still get cards address to me with his initial and surname on, despite me asking them to use my own name. I hate seeing his name on the envelope as it reminds me of bad times

@81Byerley yes, you’re wrong on both counts. Why not just use the women’s actual names?

Haven't RTFT, so apologies if this point has been made before, but...

All this stuff about "oh people just forget" is bollocks imo.

There's a place where you can actually make a note of people's correct names, including surnames and titles. It's called an address book and THEY ARE ALREADY USING IT when they send you a Christmas card through the post.

If they can be arsed to keep your address info - and clearly they can - then it should not be too challenging to put the correct name on it as well. They're not forgetful, they're just rude bastards.

Calling someone by a name that isn't theirs is by definition incorrect. If it's incorrect, it can't be proper.

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan You're divorced and using your own name. Even by the rules of etiquette, addressing you by his surname and initial is wrong.

I kept my own name. Any cards from family have been addressed to mr and Mrs husband's first name, husband's last name. I took a picture of the first card I received and sent it to my group whatsapp chat, we are 50/50 having kept/changed names. I said who knew you actually disappear when you get married, I'm now Mrs my husband's entire name!!! I'm finishing a PhD at the moment, I'll actually be Dr cadburysflake next year, you can bet I'll still be Mrs no name on cards !

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan - my mum does this to me and claims it's "correct" and "the way she was taught" when I point out that my first name is not, in fact, Kevin.

My mum is an arse.

I also sometimes think that those who insist on using mrs dhname subconsciously, or consciously feel that by not changing your name you are lessening the "achievement" of marriage.

Getting married is still the main event in many women lives, and/or bestows social respectability, and reflects their worth in "getting a man to marry them".

Not acknowledging your pride in your marriage and your now attachment to a man and his achievements, by not changing your name, is somehow a reflection that their marriage isn't as important to the word as it should be. iyswim.

If all women kept their own names, how would we know if someone was married and subsequently judge them?

We would struggle to work out how to pigeonhole people in their nice neat boxes, and society would descend into a free for all where marriage and who you are married to no longer improves social standing...

That's very rude, OP, and passive aggressive IMO.

I have taken my DH's surname. But one thing I can't stand is my MIL addressing envelopes 'Mr and Mrs First name, middle initial and surname. It me feel as if I really don't exist separately from my DH.

Thanks everyone! I will change my ways!

It's great that the advice on the thread has been useful to you.

This is interesting because it may be that not all the family are deliberately not using your name. In Italy wives never take the husbands name. The family is addressed on cards etc as Family X (husbands name) i find the women very emancipated and not at all threatened by this. They see no reason to lose their names . The children tend to take Dads name as if often the case here. I think maybe you are over thinking this. The older generation may just think its odd to go against custom and the young ones just a bit ignorant. I have friends who have kept their name and it does feel slightly off-piste to address an envelope Mr. A and Ms. C. Sort of separates them as a couple. I know a man friend felt hurt, not form dominance or anything, he would have taken her name, he just wanted to share a name. There is nothing wrong in tactfully explaining how you feel and asking the family to use the name. I am not sure they think about it as much as you do

The trouble is, tactfully explaining doesn't work. I had 24 years of trying that to no effect.
@reallyanotherone is right, I think it is something to do with marriage (misguidedly) still being seen as the pinnacle of achievement for women.
It's a passive-aggressive way of putting us back in place.

I wish I hadn’t changed my name. When I got married I decided I would change it because my husbands surname is more attractive in my mind than my own. When it came to do it though I felt weird - like I was abandoning my identity. ( I was nearly 40 when I married). I did it eventually after 2 years after some issue with a bank account but I would have happily kept my maiden name. I don’t use my married name at work though. The first time my mum wrote to me after I married she addressed me as Mrs Husbands first name AND last name and despite her protestations that it was correct form I did feel like I had been wiped off the face of the earth.

Indeed. Some people will respond positively to a request to use your actual name, others will descend into passive aggressive spluttering and continue using the wrong form of address out of a combination of arrogance and stupidity. Rude twats gonna rude twat, alas. Not necessarily anything that can be done about it.

Tone policers in 3, 2, 1

I agree Reallyanother . I find it strange people equate pride with marriage. I didn't feel proud to marry DH or ExH. It wasn't an achievement of mine that I had had to work hard for. I felt very happy. But not pride. I was very proud when I passed my driving test however - so I'm thinking if pride is the factor in changing ones surname I should really be Mrs Fifthtimelucky!

Mil struggling with my lack of name change. Every Christmas and every birthday I get a cheque in Mrs DH's name. I can only pay it into the joint account (10mi drive to bank and I invariably forget to transfer it back so it contributes to thd mortgage). Apparently writing a cheque in my name is too complicated (but it wasn't before we got married). When I suggested to dh he might ask his mum to tx my money into his account whilst she's transferring his birthday/Xmas money I was told that would be passive aggressive. I now just accept 2 £40 donations to the bills account and no gifts because I cannot be arsed. If she cared to, she could look at my amazon list and find any one of 3 dozen books which she could post me instead. But she'd rather make a point about me keeping my maiden name. It's only been going on for 15 years.

I dont think I would be offended if somebody without thinking verbally said oh were the just family or Mr and Mrs Dh name but if it was written it would bother me as written allows time for thought

OP are you me?!

My family were appalled that I didn’t take his name, my usually contemptuous in laws have always been extremely supportive but they used to address everything to my son as his dad’s name.

They sent birthday cards for him and it gave me the rage so badly that I sharpied UNKNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS and put them through their letter boxes in the dead of night.

(I was pregnant at the time so that is my defence for such an extreme response).

They never did it again though.