To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

Some of my DH's family do this and it is incredibly annoying. They've been told countless times but refuse to acknowledge that I did not change my name on marriage. I find it really disrespectful and very PA.

I mind a lot less when more distant friends or relations do it...I expect my BILs to get it right. My MIL manages to get it right, so "the age thing" is just not an excuse.

I think reallyanotherone has it right here. I'm always baffled by the hostility to a woman wanting to be called by her own name, which she has always had! There's perhaps some weird motivation to do with marital status and that's why people object.

I have this every bloody year with Christmas cards as well, and from friends my own age as well not just elderly relatives. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I'm still wondering what the point of a surname is, if it doesn't identify a family unit, tbh. It seems to me, surnames are becoming an outdated, unhelpful concept and no more useful than a person's given names. Of course I always respect what people ask to be called, but I don't really understand the attachment to a particular surname. And what do most parents who do not share surnames call their children? Wouldn't it be excessively possessive on the part of one parent to choose one parent's surname over the other for the children, having decided not to share a surname, if both parents are actively involved and have parental responsibility? Do some children not have surnames, or are you legally allowed to have more than one surname? Or do half the children have one surname and half have the other surname?

@roundabouttown Wouldn't it be excessively possessive on the part of one parent to choose one parent's surname over the other for the children, having decided not to share a surname, if both parents are actively involved and have parental responsibility?

If you can decide on a first name together, then you can decide on a second name together! After all the first choice is almost unlimited, the second name is only out of two names...

DH and I have different second names. For DC we choose a first name then go with whichever second name works best with it. Neither of us cares that much, to be honest.

I expect it started out as laziness, then when you talked to her about it bugging you, it turned out to be a way to annoy/belittle you.

But I think I can do better 😁. I was given two names "so I could choose". I have been using my middle name since I was around 10 years old. But my entire family refused to use it, therefore my children grew up with family calling me one name, never used elsewhere. When my parents died 40 years on, I told the rest of the family that that was it, no more first name. Now I struggle to get used to that 😂.

@roundaboutthetown How about family tree? Genealogy? Tracking your ancestors and lineage is very important, not just historically, you can learn about medical conditions, too. Unfortunately these days people just don't think about things like that when they talk about keeping their own name or giving their DC entirely different surnames. Lineage and able to orderly track it is important. All these new fads basically ruins it and changes it, making it harder to keep track of. But again, it would appear that people don't think about these things until they are older or they have a need to. Imagine trying to track your relatives and ancestors 80 years from now: 'group one has 7 surnames in the one family, who is from who and which'. Oh God, sometimes I wish I could find another planet to live on to escape the insanity of all this rubbish.

Isitweekendyet OP are you me

I'd had enough last week when I got yet another wrongly addressed card, and ended up posting a message on the family WhatsApp group, gently asking "please no more cards to "the DH'snames".
Nobody replied (except my DD and eldest sis, who's also kept her name). That's what led me to post this - I'm so relieved to find so many like minded women out there, I felt I was going crazy

HoustonBess - but why limit your children's surnames to just the two? You could call them something else entirely - one person on the thread said they amalgamated their surnames to a new surname for their children, for example. So I still don't see the point in having a "surname" if it's really just another name you choose if you like it. Did you just limit yourselves to the two surnames because it was administratively easier, or did you want your children's surnames to be the same as yours or your dh's (and if so, why)?

It's strange how big a deal it is to some people. My brother took his wife's surname (and he's a large viking looking butcher) and my dad took his wife's (my step mum) name.

I plan on taking my DP's surname because mine (I have my mother's, not father's, surname) is boring.

Why do people give such a big shit about this.

Tell them to stop. It can't be that hard to remember a bloody name.

This is an imaginary problem. Who cares?

"And what do most parents who do not share surnames call their children?"

Well, because we still like in a depressingly patriarchal society, most get their father's name. But there is this thing called a "hyphen".....

And the reason it is a big deal is that the assumption that a woman will change her name to her husband's on marriage symbolically strips her of her history. And calling those of us who have chosen not to marry or to marry but retain our original name by our partner's names completely disregards a decision we have actively made. It denies us agency.

And the reason it is a big deal is that the assumption that a woman will change her name to her husband's on marriage symbolically strips her of her history. And calling those of us who have chosen not to marry or to marry but retain our original name by our partner's names completely disregards a decision we have actively made. It denies us agency.

oofadoofa

Obviously I care. Kind of pointless response

BertrandRussell - but how far would this hyphenation have to extend? The next generation would then have two lots of hyphenated names to further hyphenate, which is bloody ridiculous. Why give your children your surnames? It doesn't help identify them as being the children of both parents if their parents don't share a surname, so it's not really useful in any sense, it's just another name that happens to come at the end of the child's other chosen names.

My children can do what they want when they have their own children. Give them their own names, their partner's name, one of the elements of their own name, an entirely new name. Even two hyphens if they want to-there is precedent. It's entirely up to them.

"Why give your children your surnames? It doesn't help identify them as being the children of both parents if their parents don't share a surname" They have both our last names. So more identified as our children than if they only had one parent's.

@salemblackcat4
I've done some family tree research and women changing their names makes it harder because of course you then don't know the name they were born with.
In any case, you usually end up tracking down birth and marriage certificates which clarifies it.

BertrandRussell - so you did want to identify your children with both of you by using both of your surnames, then? To carry on that tradition, your children's children would have incredibly long surnames, as nobody would ever give anything up, so I don't buy the identification argument, as that would be totally impractical to continue. Better to argue the surname is pretty meaningless than that rejecting one of the many surnames you could pass on is because you don't identify as strongly with that bit of the family.

I don't write Xmas cards anymore but think I'm I'm going to do a mini experiment this year and address men by their wife's name.

I'll say it saves me time to just use one name, that he should understand it's just a name and therefore doesn't matter, that he should be proud to take his wife's name and get over himself, that I find it too difficult and complicated to use his elongated BS.

I'll start with my Brother, he only uses my first name on cards and stuff but has said many a time I'm odd and it looks like I don't love my husband. When I write their card as mr and Mrs Hannah Smith, ill direct him to this thread when he moans on about me being rude. 😂

If names belong to fathers then makes more sense for people to want their own fathers name than someone else's. What people usually mean is though, a woman's name is never hers, it's on load from her father until a man gives her his on marriage, but the mans name belongs to him, not his father. Fuck that.

Genuinely surprised that some people are saying they find using someone's correct name is difficult and complicated. My actual friends and family who like me, like me enough to use my name. I find the ones who call me Mrs John Smith are the ones who hold other sexist out dated ideas about women anyway and aren't the type of people I have in my life.

It's not correct or proper to knowingly repeatedly address someone with a name that's not theirs. It's fucking rude and lazy.

How about family tree? Genealogy? Tracking your ancestors and lineage is very important, not just historically, you can learn about medical conditions, too. Unfortunately these days people just don't think about things like that when they talk about keeping their own name

I can trace my family history through my rare surname directly back from me to the 12th Century. How much medical history do you need?

Yeah the annual stripping of my identity has also begun. Kept my name on marriage and everyone bloody knows it but as per usual it’s Mr & Mrs DH initial & surname. Apparently I don’t even get my own initial any more!

Great idea @BollockingBaubles. I have often thought about doing the same!

Lonicera did you really just ask that? Are you being deliberately dense?

Are you being deliberately rude? I suspect the answer is yes, always. The poster asked a reasonable question and there you are, on your soap-box!

I think many, like me, love their husband and are PROUD to take their name, I feel it is especially important when you have children, for a family all to have the one name

Awwww. Mine loves me enough to not mind being called Mr Sprout by delivery drivers. Shame yours didn’t love or respect you enough to make a similar gesture.

And our child loves the direct link she has with both sides of the family in her name, not just DH’s side.

Sympathetic for you.