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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

164 replies

Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:40

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 16/12/2018 09:43

Somehow you need to make sure that you get an equal amount of childfree leisure time as he does.

He needs to step up and care for his own children.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/12/2018 09:43

Can you give him a two days a month where he must be at home regardless as you are out? Regardless on if it falls on that sports day or not.
Hobbies are important but you need a break to and it needs to be reciprocated.

elf1985 · 16/12/2018 09:43

You know you are not BU. His priorities need to change now he has children. I don't think him giving it up completely would ever work as resentment is a bitch but you need to talk to him about his priorities.

CottonTailRabbit · 16/12/2018 09:46

You need a hobby. And a babysitter. And to double book your hobby with his sport sometimes so he has to cancel.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:46

I've never said anything to him as I know he'll fire back with "but that's the only time I get to do anything for me"

The thing is I don't get that luxury myself, not even once a month let alone once a week. I'd never try to stop him enjoying his sport but every weekend without fail regardless of whether me/ds are poorly / he has work etc. Is too much imo.

If I suggested him take one or two weekends a month out of the sport and instead I have those days to do something for myself he'd go in a huge mood. He plays football so apparently every match is important.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 16/12/2018 09:49

If he didn’t change after the first baby then he’s hardly gonna change after a second!! YANBU but I honestly don’t see him changing. He knows you accept it already so he’s gonna keep doing it.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:50

I didn't have a problem with it until recently, for some reason I've started to feel resentful only now.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 16/12/2018 09:50

You need to put some changes in place or nothing will change. You should both have an equal amount of free time which could mean he has less hours for his hobby. When do you see your friends or go to the gym, dinner with friends?

Singlebutmarried · 16/12/2018 09:50

Drop something heavy on his foot.

It’s a well known fact that footballers need a least a year off with broken metatarsals

Sausagerollers · 16/12/2018 09:51

And yet you are pregnant with his 2nd child?
Why didn't you get him to behave like a decent father/leave him before even considering a 2nd?

BlueJava · 16/12/2018 09:52

Personally I don't think it's about having "me" time it sounds like you spend zero time with your DCs as a family. I would take the "I get no time to myself and do all the work approach" I'd be taking the "We don't spend any time doing family stuff like going out together, having fun together". In the background I'd also consider what I really get out the relationship - frankly it doesn't sound like much.

Heismyopendoor · 16/12/2018 09:55

Do you want to actually be with someone who goes into a mood like a teenager because he doesn’t get what he wants. Although if he goes in a mood at just the chat then that’s even worse.

I would suit down and have that talk. And if things didn’t change I would honestly consider ending the relationship.

swimmerforlife · 16/12/2018 09:55

Sorry to ask the obvious OP but why did you have a second child with him? Clearly he does not want be involved in parenting.

QueenArseClangers · 16/12/2018 09:55

Just tell him that he won’t be able to play so frequently when you leave him and he has to have the kids every other weekend.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:56

Playing football every weekend wasn't a problem for me until recently when I've started to resent the fact he can do something for him but I'm never able to. It's a newfound niggle not something that's been festering for years, that's why up until now he's blissfully unaware there's an issue.

I used to think it was great that he has something for him to unwind with as he works so hard so I never saw it as a problem or give him reason to think it wasn't absolutely fine.

He took DS Christmas shopping last week so I had the afternoon to myself and then I realised that's only about the third time that's ever happened.

I used to go to the gym for an hour once a week and DM would look after DS but she isn't in the best of health now so I wouldn't impose that on her.

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 16/12/2018 09:56

Why didn't you get him to behave like a decent father/leave him before even considering a 2nd?
Why's it on her to get him to? That's down to him!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/12/2018 09:56

Drop something heavy on his foot
Loath as I am to condone violence, this made me titter!

Maybe leave some toys about 4 stairs from the bottom, just enough for a painful but not life threatening trip?Grin

(only joking.....)

Avrannakern · 16/12/2018 09:58

You're having a second child with someone who isn't interested in being a parent.

Show him this. Tell him everything you've said here. Ask what his solution is. And what about when the kids are a couple years older and actually want to go out and do activities or visit places as a family... will he go play football and leave you to It? Yes.

You're a single parent. How you deal with that is up to you. Accept it and carry on or read him the riot act.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/12/2018 09:58

It's only fair that you get 2 hobby days a month.
Doesn't matter if your hobby is having a lie in then lazing on sofa watching Greys Anatomy

delilahbucket · 16/12/2018 09:58

This isn't acceptable op, you would be better off without him as he'd have to have the kids and you would get that precious down time you need. Hobbies are important, but only if both adults have them and they work together to fit them in. Both myself and dp have hobbies and can sometimes get very busy but we work it around each other and ds. Ds comes first every time and then its first come first served with the diary. We've both dropped our own hobbies so the other can do theirs though if it's something important or out of the norm. You need to lay it down for him, you're not his door mat or free childcare.

NataliaOsipova · 16/12/2018 09:59

Well, if he doesn’t change his ways he’s only going to be playing football every other weekend for the considerable future.... Perhaps pointing this out will focus his mind a little.....

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:00

Baby #2 wasn't planned and I was on BC.

She was a coil baby (I asked for advice about that on here too a while ago). The pregnancy was considered high risk and not viable for a while. I contemplated abortion but bonded with the baby and couldn't go through with it , ideally I wouldn't have chosen to have another baby right now myself.

OP posts:
BanginChoons · 16/12/2018 10:01

Why do people assume that separating will mean he steps up and parents?

Alienspaceship · 16/12/2018 10:03

I never understand these situations, women often report it on mumsnet. Next time he’s off, hand him the baby and tell him to cancel his plans as it’s your turn. Then leave the house and enjoy a day out. Repeat a few times and then suggest you get the calendar out and decide who is having which days out so it’s all visible, planned and fair. Simple.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:04

If I were to show him this thread I'm pretty sure he'd sack football off, but then resent me for it.

I'm glad he has a hobby he enjoys but it just doesn't work for family life alongside his work. If he worked a day job and had regular set in stone days off every week it wouldn't be as much of an issue as then I could plan my own down time around that.

OP posts: