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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

164 replies

Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:40

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

OP posts:
KeysHairbandNotepad · 16/12/2018 10:27

You have 3 options op.

  1. Compromise and work towards change.

  2. Tolerate things the way they are.

  3. Break up.

I hate to be blunt , but life is too short to be miserable.

bastardkitty · 16/12/2018 10:27

Does 'outside help' mean an actual partner? Because I think OP has done more than enough to enable this selfish manchild already.

KateGrey · 16/12/2018 10:28

Could he look for a job that’s more compatible with family life? He needs to understand they’re as much his kids as yours and swanning off to do what he wants to do all weekend won’t fly. It’s about balance. Should he have a hobby? Yes everyone should get something they enjoy in life or they’d be miserable but you sound miserable and unsupported so it’s clearly not working.

AngelsSins · 16/12/2018 10:30

As ridiculous as this sounds I would feel unreasonable sodding off and leaving him with DS due to the amount he works and how little time he gets for himself as it is

Sorry, but yes, you are being ridiculous. He’s a grown man who’s made a choice to have a child, knowing full well what his job was like. Having a demanding job doesn’t absolve you from being a parent to the children you created.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2018 10:30

I think the issue is not that he plays football every week but the fact that playing football comes before everything else eg when he didn’t work so reduced the family income so he could play football.

With the long hours he works you are little more than a single parent.

If you did leave him (not saying you should or shouldn’t) then he would have to give up football every other weekend to see his kids.

You at least would have a break.

anniehm · 16/12/2018 10:31

My dh has always played sports, he did it when I first knew him so I have never asked him to stop (despite it being very annoying at times). I did ask him to take time away from football when we had dd2 as I knew balancing her needs with that of her autistic sister (was diagnosed when I was pregnant) would be very hard and he complied without moaning too much (but it helped he was carrying a niggling injury so 3 months off helped him too).

I suggest striking a deal - you can play sport on x day from x to x plus the associated annual meal, lads night out etc etc in return for one afternoon a month just to yourself and one day a month family time. Being the sole breadwinner probably is quite stressful in itself, whichever partner does that role, and to come home to having to look after kids all weekend I do understand is not easy, it's a matter though of balance and fairness, I knew being a sahm made me fortunate, however hard - and looking back, school starts all too soon.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:32

I'm just getting over what I suspect is mild PND and want to regain some normality and adult interaction with the outside world. I'm incredibly lonely and would happily take up voluntary work just so I can get out of the house (paid is my preference obviously).

He thinks he's hard done by because he works hard but what he doesn't understand is that I'd prefer to switch roles and do his job, than be housebound every day now the weather is shit. If he was forced into the rigmarole of being a SAHD he'd lose his shit. Its mind numbingly tedious and at least at work and football he gets to socialise with adults.

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 16/12/2018 10:36

My dh used to play but thankfully stopped of his own accord when I had DS1 many years ago.
It seems your DH hasn’t realised or is blissfully ignoring the fact he’s leaving you in the lurch with your child every weekend. You need to have a chat, it isn’t fair and he needs to decide where his priorities lie.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 16/12/2018 10:37

Going on your last update op ,the compromise needs to begin with a plan for you to return to work after the birth of your baby. This will be beneficial for you for many reasons.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:38

I'm going to address it when he's home this afternoon but unsure how to raise it.

He's overly sensitive and doesn't take perceived critism well. His default response to me questioning anything is does is to feel attacked

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 16/12/2018 10:38

Has he always been like this with football? My partnet is the same, i didn't expect him to change just cause we had a baby

Cheerbear23 · 16/12/2018 10:39

I’ve cross posted with you OP, but I think you should definitely look for paid work after baby #2 is old enough for nursery / childcare. I remember feeling hopeless trapped in the house with my first child, esp when the weather was bad. Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:41

I'd be better off on my own as sad as it is to say. I'd be entitled to some help with childcare costs then so i could go back to work as soon as. It's not as though us being together means I get any help with DS bar the odd nappy change and him feeding him every so often if he happens to be about anyway.

Feeling really defeatist and shit today.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 10:42

Just tell him that he won’t be able to play so frequently when you leave him and he has to have the kids every other weekend.

^^

This. And I'd do it too. Because I have.

Your second baby is on its way now. Congratulations and there's no point worrying about whether it's a good idea now. But he needs to good kick up the bum.

Can you use a weekly planner to show him how he has plenty of time to himself and you none?

The losing £100 of family money so he'd feel well enough to play his hobby is terrible. So irresponsible. And my ex was the same in taking no care not to share germs!

Cheerbear23 · 16/12/2018 10:43

It’s not criticism of him, you are explaining the facts of the situation along with how you feel. He may well take it as criticism though, as deep down he will know he’s out of order, and will want to preserve his football time. He needs to decide on what his priorities are.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 16/12/2018 10:43

I'm sorry that he's difficult to talk to op , if he can't handle hearing 'we need to make some changes at home as I'm feeling unhappy' etc then you may have other problems. Do you often keep things to yourself because it's easier than dealing with his reaction?

You could of course just tell him that you want to go back to work after your baby is born and that you're concerned that your current set up doesn't support that. After all , it's not fair that you do all of the problem solving.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:47

He'll be home about 2:30 I'm going to sit him down and say I'm unhappy, I feel trapped, isolated and I need some substance to my own life (aside my DS who I obviously adore)

I want guarantees about him finding a different job and I need a couple of hours a week to myself as well.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant right now but don't feel as though that should stop me getting a part time job? Even if it was only temporary until our daughter arrives, at least I'll have had a few months of being "me" again.

The likelihood of him changing jobs before she arrives is slim to none though, so I think I'm expecting the impossible thinking I can go back to work before she's here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:51

I feel terrible for being so unhappy as I know some women would love to be SAHM's but it's really not for me Sad

OP posts:
Wordthe · 16/12/2018 10:52

he uses his work and his hobby to control and dominate and make everything about him
he is the star of the show you and the children are the supporting cast

KeysHairbandNotepad · 16/12/2018 10:52

Just to say , I do understand that it's hard when a partner works wonky shifts. My husband does also , but in this case he's working towards management in the coming years , which is more 9-5.

SweetheartNeckline · 16/12/2018 10:53

But it doesn't sound like op wants a hobby herself - she wants time at home to chill as family or have a lie in or go to Aldi unfettered by a toddler. All perfectly normal, reasonable things to do. It's not about her having equal me time, it's the fact that he has too much (several tens of hours per month) when life should have moved on for them all.

I don't have any suggestions op. It's really sad and shit that men disengage so readily from their children and family life. I'd spell out that this is a dealbreaker for you - he wouldn't get all weekend to do as he pleases if you split up as he'd have a home of his own to run and maintain plus DC to facilitate. He sounds like a selfish prick.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/12/2018 10:53

I used to be married to someone like this. Sorry to say, it only got better once we divorced. I was able to work, get tax credits (now uc), receive maintenance and not have to deal with a selfish man-child.

Would your DH step up and be a decent parent if you ended the marriage?

At the very least, you need to make it clear you are considering ending the marriage because he isn’t engaging in family life. If he goes off into a sulk, it’s because he knows you are right. If he becomes angry or aggressive it’s because he’s an arsehole!

Wordthe · 16/12/2018 10:55

he doesn't want you to work because then you'd have an independent life and realise you're worth more than the way he treats you
You would also be earning your own money which would make you feel that you should have more of a say in how things go in the relationship
he doesn't want that he wants you 'pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen' so that he's the boss

I think I would focus on getting back to work and don't listen to any of his argument or reasons to the contrary

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 10:56

I feel as though his job gives him (in his mind only) justification to be selfish where home life is concerned.

When I was heavily pregnant with DS I was working 40 hours a week with painful SPD and still coming home and doing all of the housework and shopping. His life revolves around only work, sleep and football.

It is possible for people to juggle work and a home life but not him apparently, not with his night work. I do understand its a toll to work such shifts but he doesn't need to do it. I've been telling him for months to change jobs so I can work part time and make up his loss in earnings with a wage of my own.

OP posts:
museumum · 16/12/2018 10:57

Well done OP. For what it’s worth based on what you have said about him I would absolutely not go in accusing.

I would thank him for working so hard so you could stay at home for a bit. I’d say it was right to try that for a while but now you’ve both experienced the reality it is really not going to be right for you going forward.

I would be saying that you’ll take six to nine months off with dc2 and towards the end of that period he needs to have made adjustments to allow you to be job hunting.

I don’t think being 22 weeks pregnant is a bar to getting a job but realistically he needs time to change jobs or you need time to get a nursery place.

Nights can work (my mum did nights), some nurseries do shift patterns provided he gets his shifts for the month but if you’re out days that needs him to get up and pick the kids up and give them dinner before you get home from days.

In the meantime’s me from now till then I’d book two classes a week for you that are immovable like his football - pregnancy yoga or aquanatal or something (my pregnancy yoga was more about self care than it was about the baby).