To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

[Whyohwhyo]

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

Just set up something for yourself. Get a babysitter and head out even if its only to browse the shops or sit in a coffee shop reading a book. Try and involve a local teen in your life so you have someone to fall back on who knows your dc. My dh worked long hours and l always had a teenager at hand when l needed a break.
I wouldn't mind the football as it sounds like he works hard and you married a footballer after all. But l would absolutely hate the shift work as ye have no family time. Could he change jobs. Have a chat about this with dc 2 coming along. Not complaining but having a serious mature conversation about your whole family scenario. I wouldn't even mention the football but look at where he gets time with the children.
Also why will he not get paid while he is sick?

What would he say if you told him you’ve joined a gym class once a week at X time and he’all need to mange the kids or get childcare sorted.

The thing is football doesn't need to be this time consuming. My DP plays with pals and he goes to training about 1 hour session with 5 min drive each way on a weeknight and plays in a Thursday, he goes about 6pm and is back for quarter to nine. I don't begrudge this as its basically just like going to the gym it's his fitness and no one would bat at eye at 4 hours in the gym. It seems like your DH is playing the actual match then socialising after which would annoy me, if its so important why not just go play the match and come home

Did you not discuss your views and thoughts in relation to Parenthood/Married life? It sounds like you thought he would just suddenly slide into Fatherhood seamlessly despite and scale back or defer his hobby. He probably assumed that it would be business as usual once the baby arrived and you would just "get on with it".

Basically neither of you thought to discuss the humongous changes and the resulting compromises expanding your family would bring. I think you should have addressed these changes prior to DC1, (you must have both had at least some inkling that children change family dynamics), but even so definitely after DC1arrival and your DP's subsequent lack of both practical and emotional support. You need to both discuss your expectations before your DC2 arrives.

Could you say to him you want him to pay for a babysitter one night a week maybe someone to come and do dinner and bed whilst you go and do something?

As ridiculous as this sounds I would feel unreasonable sodding off and leaving him with DS due to the amount he works and how little time he gets for himself as it is.

Football is the only thing he gets to himself and I've let that continue because of the fact, rather than insisting I have something for myself too.

I should have sorted this a lot sooner before I let resentment grow.

I just feel that with so little time off work it should be maximised by spending time as a family rather than a large portion of said free time being spent in something solely for him.

I'm going to have a talk with him when he gets home this afternoon.

He leaves for football at 9:00am every Sunday and doesn't get home until around 2:30. He's not driving at the moment so relies on team mates to pick him up then public transport to get home. They play at different places most of the time and the grounds/fields are not particularly close to home. If it was an hour or two I wouldn't care whatsoever but it takes up the majority of the day.

Erm he has bloody loads of time to himself. You have none!

I would DC ready go to football club watch
/cheer then when he's changed hand DC to him and go and sit in a hotel bar for the afternoon reading magazines and ordering tea / wine etc

As ridiculous as this sounds I would feel unreasonable sodding off and leaving him with DS due to the amount he works and how little time he gets for himself as it is.

It doesn't seem as though it bothers him to do exactly this to you..?

How much time do you get for yourself?

It sounds more like his job isn't compatible with family life. Do you work? How is it all going to pan out when kids are school age? Does he sleep enough to be useful around the house if he works 5 night shifts a week? I say this as the child of a paramedic who worked nights from me being about 3 years old, it was tricky, they were often disturbed in the day and then tired, which made them grouchy although they didn't mean it. They would get in, take me to school, sleep and then pick me up quite often then evenings were hard because they needed to doze or nap before work again that night. Weekend days the rest of us had to be quiet as sleeping! Would changing the way he does his shifts therefore giving you an evening or two every week, work?

Pack his bags and put them outside upon his return today.

Tell him you're thinking that you might as well be a single parent since that's actually what you are, and you want to take some time on your own to think about it. Tell him to go stay with his 'hobby' friends, since that's where his priorities clearly lie.

Hopefully, he'll realise he's being a selfish arse.

Id love to go with DS to watch him now and then but we're never invited because he relies on his mates to take him there and doesn't want to ask them to ferry me and DS too.

He says it would be too much of a rush for us all to go on public transport and would mean getting DS ready and leaving even earlier.

Catching up with replies sorry if they're not in order.

I get no time to myself, absolutely none. I had the afternoon last week when he took DS Christmas shopping for my presents but aside that - - zilch.

What is this mysterious hobby?

I was married to a man with exactly your DP's attitude OP.

He was out of the house for almost all of every weekend and also during the weekday evenings pursuing his various hobbies.

Like you. I had no 'me' time and we did almost nothing as a family except visiting his family on a Sunday afternoons, and that only started when he had to give up one of his hobbies for health reason - Sunday mornings he was still out playing one of the other hobbies.

I was lonely and absolutely miserable for many years until I decided that I'd had enough.

Some men think that having a family is something a woman does and they can go on living like a single man.

If he's like my exh he will never change his attitude and accept that he has to make compromises, as you have done. So you need to decide to do what's best for you and act accordingly.

I stayed with my exh for 20 years before I had the courage to take the leap into going it alone. I wish I'd done it earlier, much earlier, and avoided all the unhappiness and wasted years.

YANBU - we all know some people think being a SAHM is a life of liberty, time to yourself and doing what you want. Ha! If it was then there would be a lot more SAHDads.

If you don’t want to reduce his football (and I can see why not) then you need to carve out some me-time. Surely you can squeeze in a couple of gym visits, he must be at home sometimes? And can your LO go to a crèche or nursery or childminder for an afternoon a week?

The alternative is you LTB and he gets the kids every other weekend. Which will seriously cramp his footballing style.

It's not mysterious. OP already said that it's football.

Basically you’re a single parent

In a past relationship, we both had a hobby. But I needed the hobby more than he did. So he stayed at home while I went to my hobby.

@Sooveritg hardly mysterious, the OP has mentioned that it's football numerous times.

I honestly would get some outside help in. When he protests and says why it's a waste of money etc tell him you get zero time for yourself and you can't do it anymore. The expense of it might make him suddenly change his opinion and shape himself

And he seriously does nothing round the house either? So no chores and nothing with his children?

Personally I'd leave immediately, but if you want to stay with this man-child, I'd stop doing anything for him, and I mean everything. No clean clothes, food etc. Then the next time he's due to leave for his "hobby", I'd hand him the child and walk out of the door for the day.

I don't know why people enable men like this.

I'm currently a SAHM. I was working full time until DS was born, the cost of childcare didn't balance well with earnings and we both agreed it was more practical for me to stay home until DS was in nursery which I was happy to do at the time.

Fast forward until now I'm bored senseless. I want to go back to work, now. I'm perfectly capable of working and looking after DS. I've told him that. In order for that to be viable he'd need to change his job to a regular day job so we can juggle the childcare between us and not fork out hundreds per week in child care that we can't afford. I could work evenings and weekends. He could mind DS. He says we'll revisit the subject after Christmas is out of the way but personally I don't think he likes the idea of having to work then look after DS as well and it suits him for me to be at home. It doesn't suit me.

Were not entitled to much if any help at all because of his earnings so I couldn't claim back %80 of childcare costs like some would be able to.