To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

[Whyohwhyo]

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

I think a lot of men think being at home is easy. I’ve just managed to get mine all into school (two have special needs and I spent last year being called to collect him from school as they’d only have him for an hour) and now I have a clear day but I am lonely. I did work from Feb but unfortunately the contract has come to an end but it’s not all doss days. My husband and I have had the conversation and he’s told me if he doesn’t get time to himself he’d get resentful of me 🤨 He plays darts once a week and goes to the gym once or twice a week. To be fair he’s getting better. He used to play a lot of sport and he has found it hard to give up. But we both chose to have kids (we obviously didn’t bank on having two with Sen). Your husband needs to step up. If he’s defensive it’s probably because it doesn’t suit him and he doesn’t want to hear it and he’s being unreasonable.

I think you need to sit down with him and say what’s your schedule this week or month etc and then make time for both of you in that schedule to each enjoy your interests and also family time.

My hubby has hobbies that mean he can be unavailable all weekend and so I put my foot down after ds was born and said that if he wants to go do his hobby on Saturday that’s fine but he needs to be home or arrange child care on a prearranged day so that I can meet with my friends too or go out for the day.

You need to talk to him, he has responsibilities and he needs to pull his weight. He should be helping you at home too - assume you do all laundry? Let him do his own that’s one less job for you to worry about and if he wants clean clothes for work he’ll have no choice but to do them.

Good luck

Don’t stop him doing the sport. It will just cause more resentment with neither of you getting what you want. Do sit him down and say you expect one day / evening child free each week to see friends go to gym and get time for you and you’ll work that round his shifts. And say you expect the free weekend no sport day to be together as family

When I was heavily pregnant with DS I was working 40 hours a week with painful SPD and still coming home and doing all of the housework and shopping. His life revolves around only work, sleep and football

Problem is he has been able to get away with treating you like this, a very very low bar has been set, you were in pain and at your most vulnerable and in need of care and he still put himself first, the message from this episode is that you and the children are worth nothing compared to him

he knows that you will put up with this bad treatment and he will always be trying to crush you back down to this position

His working week begins on a Sunday at his current job and he often doesn't find out his shifts until the day before.

It's incredibly inconvenient and whilst he works five nights a week he doesn't know what nights they'll be until the eleventh hour. The company are not family friendly at all. He can be on his fifth night and only just have been told his rota for the next five days.

If we could have a month's rota set out in advance that would mean I can plan something for myself, or for us as a family, but because it's so unpredictable it makes it impossible.

He also works 8pm-8am but regularly doesn't leave work until 10-11am so that's even more chunks of time taken away from being at home, if you add it up over the month.

The only thing that he can plan every week is football and that's because he'll happily go and play straight after a night shift which he usually does.

Things would be better if he'd just change his job, I wouldn't care about football if he were home every evening and not having to sleep for the entire time he's home in the day.

You won't get any time to yourself unless you ask for it.
It's not his fault that you aren't taking time off for yourself.
You are responsible for making time for yourself and your own hobbies. You are blaming him for 'making' you stay at home and not get any free time.
If he's home at 2.30 every Sunday you could have the rest of every Sunday to yourself and go off and do something then?
Why is he not driving at the minute? Are you able to drive?

If he does go on the attack when you are talking to him I would be pointing out that the reason he is going on the attack is because deep down he knows he is in the wrong.

Also that bit about working hard he comes up with.
Loads of people work hard and then come in and take over and look after their own children.
You work hard.

If your work was so easy why isn’t he joining in after work.

As someone who has a dp who works away a lot when the dc were younger (Only stopped recently as he has been very ill)

I found if I lived as a single parent it made things easier. I made all the decisions regarding the house, childcare, food, etc and dp would come and go in the background.

At one point dp was away for 2 weeks. He went on the Monday and it wasn’t until a week on the Thursday that dc actually asked where daddy was.

I think you have 3 options

1. You stay and get him to change jobs, help out and he doesn’t make football his priority.

1. You carry on as you are and you run your life as a single parent and if daddy is around great but you don’t rely on him for anything apart from his share of bills, food etc

Or 3. You divorce and he has to have the dc every other weekend and the odd over night during the week so you can then have time to yourself.

@Seaweed42 I can't take the rest of every Sunday after his football to myself because %90 of the time he has a night shift that night, so as soon as he gets in from football at 2:30 he has to go straight to sleep in preparation for work.

I can drive yes but none of us have a car at the moment, we live in a busy part of London where its easier to use tubes and busses.

I've never said anything to him as I know he'll fire back with "but that's the only time I get to do anything for me"

You need to ask him and when he fires back ask him when you are supposed to get down time.

He needs to grow up. Small children will curtail the amount of time we get to spend on leisure activities, the available leisure should be shared. If you don't find a way to do this it will fester and get worse as you are parenting three rather than two.

What a selfish prick. Don't let him do this to u OP.

So today for example

He didn't work last night as he felt unwell so took the night off work and spent the evening and night sleeping so he'd have enough energy for football this morning. He gets up for football at 8:00am and leaves for 9:00 before DS is up. He'll return home approx 2:30 then straight to sleep until 7:30 when I have to get him up, then he'll rush around getting something to eat and dash off to work.

Usually he'd have worked last night, got home at 8:30am today ready for football, gone straight back out to football then came home and slept from 2:30 until 7:30 and gone to work again.

Football even interferes with his job (or the job interferes with his football if you asked him)

It's not normal to prioritise a hobby over mandatory rest if you work a night shift is it? So he robs himself of rest too which is unhealthy, but he'd rather be exhausted than miss football.

How easy would it be for him to change his job?

I wonder if he is holding on to this job because it allows him to duck out of his family responsibilities?

Argh, I'm torn... I'm like your dh! My hobby is my life and I wouldn't be someone my dp would like very much without it; honestly, I love it and I need it. I was back on the pitch within 6 weeks of each dc, it's at least one full day a week and one evening plus socials, and I guess the only difference is that at least I stopped whilst heavily pregnant. But I still went to watch the games I missed!

I think for a while dp did feel hard done by, but it had always been a non-negotiable. But what we DID manage to agree on was him taking up an old hobby one evening a week, using a babysitter if needed (although mostly I'm here). We've also made it a family day out when I play at the weekends, and we all enjoy it.

I feel terrible for being so unhappy as I know some women would love to be SAHM's but it's really not for me

I was a SAHM for a few years back in the day.

Didn't stop my DH from being a father and a partner.

It's not the lack of you working that's the (main) problem, it's your husband's attitude.

It's all about him he wants to live the life of a single man where he just has to focus on his own needs he's using the football and his work to manoeuvre and manipulate

We've also made it a family day out when I play at the weekends, and we all enjoy it

Are you sure about that?

I'd be better off on my own as sad as it is to say. I'd be entitled to some help with childcare costs then so i could go back to work as soon as.

You need to tell him this. Make it clear that you are effectively a single parent right now given his behaviour and you will be financially better off if you leave him.

Why does he need to change his night shifts so you can work OP? Surely if he stays on night shifts, you can work yourself during the daytime (rather than having to look for something evenings/weekends)? Is he working 12 hour shifts or something that would leave him with no time for sleep if he was also looking after the DC during the day? (or part of the day)

He sounds selfish and you have been far too accommodating. So he isn't take criticism well, that's too bad as he still needs to hear what you have to say and do something about it.

@RatRolyPoly at least you invite your family to come and be part of your hobby! I'd secretly like to take DS to watch his dad play and would find it quite exciting

Unfortunately were never invited so can't share his enthusiasm as it's "his" thing and his time away from work and us

@HundredMilesAnHour yes 12 hour shifts, five nights a week, 8pm-8am then often overtime and he'll not leave until gone 10am. Rinse and repeat. It's gruelling and ridiculous and unnecessary

There's no way he could work what he does and then mind the DC whilst I work. He'd pass out

So he was like this before you had the dc, you still did all the household stuff then - why would you think it would change when you stopped work? I think you are in the right just dont know how you will improve it.

Are you sure about that?

As sure as I can be. The kids beg to come because there's a little group of "friends" who all play together whilst their parents are on the pitch. And dp mentions quite frequently (unprompted) how it's his favourite part of the week. So yeah, as much as I can be.

Would I quit if he didn't like it? No. No I would not. That's just the truth. But we've made the concessions we can; I play a lower league than I'm capable of to reduce travelling, but this is a part of me and a necessary part of our family life. It was always going to be.

Hobbies are good but if he had a single care for OPs mental health he would be encouraging her to have equal hobby time but he doesn't care. He's leaving her to do it all and using the fact that he has a job as an excuse to duck out of parenting. I bet he loves shifts as well.it gives him even more excuses for being a shitty partner. Plenty of people have jobs and hobbies and still manage to be parents and caring partners.

When your dc are older they are likely to have hobbies they want to do on a saturday too

Wow, didn't realise he did night shifts nearly every night, plus 2 extra hours. That's pretty rough on you all. Why does he stay those hours, is it a health care industry where people are affected if he doesn't?
From his perspective he will see himself and doing 'everything he can' to work and provide for his family. When approached his attitude will be 'what more do you want me to do'.
Meanwhile you are getting more and more resentful at being stuck at home, and rightly so.
However, an 'attack' style discussion won't work. Nor will acting huffy, hope he notices, and then resents if doesn't style - 'you wouldn't even make me a cup of tea this morning, you just don't care!' .
What might work is a calm, measured discussion where you talk about the impact on you in an 'I feel trapped and isolated every day, and wonder what might help' sort of way.

Op if you can in any way convey to him that unless this can become something you enjoy together it's only going to breed resentment, I think that would be a good start! Particularly if you're keen to go along. Plus I think it's really good for kids to see their parents do things like sport.