To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

[Whyohwhyo]

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

Private landlords here won't take DSS as in benefits, not dear sons sorry. Typing quickly.

He's home.

I spoke to him straight away and said I'm really unhappy with the current arrangement and want to go back to work. Instead of focusing on football I said it was his job that's making life difficult and he needs to find something else after Christmas for all of our sakes, and I could do with a bit of me-time to get back into my gym and swim (perhaps not the gym whilst pregnant) which I can't do with his current shift style. I appealed to his ego a bit and said he's working too hard too often.

He said he will "definitely" find something else after Christmas because he wants to spend more time with us as a family. I had to stop myself saying well cut down on the football then.

He better had change jobs. I can't carry on like this it's not a life its an existence. I feel isolated and bored to tears. I love my DS and unborn totally but want to work and provide myself like plenty of other mums do.

Doesn’t he want to spend time with his child (soon to be children)? He must barely see DS.

Oh sorry cross post.
Right, he’s said he’ll change jobs, hold him to it. 2nd Jan the job hunting begins.

Would it help, when the conversation starts again, to frame it as being about the need for family time, and the need for you to have your time?

It’s not about football, in itself, so don’t focus on that. The approach is that as a family you have an issue and you need to come up with some solutions, working as a team.

Not that he’s the bad guy and you need him to make sacrifices. Even if it were true (and I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration), the other approach is also true and much more constructive.

With small D.C., it’s v easy to get competitive about tiredness and me-time, but you’re a team. You should be working to support each other in getting what you need for the family’s best interests.

I'll never understand parents who choose their hobbies over time with their DC.

MIL divorced FIL because he was always either playing hockey or watching the football somewhere.

OP this man doesn't love u. He may say he does but you don't treat someone u love like this. U might love him but he's not what u think. He's not the charming man u first started going out with and he isnt the caring husband & partner you thought he would become.

24 is still so very young. Start working hard (when u can) to build a successful career. Start leaving the baby with him so that u can exercise or see friends. Start saving & building your own life and stop facilitating his.

Somwhere out there is a kind man who treats u as his equal and every day u spend with this loser is stopping u from meeting him.

My friends ExH treated her like this. She did what I just said above and before he even realised it she had turned into a confident successful business woman and she left & met the most wonderful man. She is now emotionally, physically & financially better off and her children are moee independent. They even get better quality time with their Dad now.

You deserve better and your OH knows it which is why he is not letting you have your own life.

Either you will become strong enough to leave and and be alone & happy or find a better man or your OH will realise what he's done wrong and become a better man.

*as in there is no family time due to hobbies.

*Drop something heavy on his foot.

It’s a well known fact that footballers need a least a year off with broken metatarsals*

I was going to suggest something similar, but I had a twisted testicle in mind.

Honestly sweetheart, your life sounds so much like mine was in my early twenties.
My exDH worked nights in a warehouse from 5.30pm and work ALWAYS came first with him. He had football as well and hardly saw DC. My heart was slowly broken throughout our marriage and we were let down time and time again.
He chose to go to work instead of hospital with newborn DC who needed treatment (and me supporting).

I left him and haven’t looked back. My lovely 2nd DH always puts family first and makes sure we’re looked after emotionally and financially and does half the parenting/shitwork.

LTB, you and your children are worth being his number one priority not his bottom of the list obligations

Had this exact problem!! We have DS2, DH played Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturday afternoon and Sunday mornings. Works Monday - Friday all day and Saturday mornings.
Before DS he quit Sunday's.
He wanted a second, as did I, but made it clear I wasn't willing to have two with that much football. After numerous conversations, I managed to get him to see that he was missing out on a lot of time with his son, and missing him grow up. He is now finishing this season and not returning... we are now due number two in April.
It's a sensitive subject because they're so starched to the sport! And if he's anything like my husband, it's been a way of life since being a young child.
I hope he realises what he's sacrificing, and prioritises better soon!

I do now remember your old threads op , I think you're far too patient.

Obviously it's your choice as to whether you stay with this man or not , but you're really very young. Is this the life you want for yourself and your children? You do have choices so please don't buy into the idea that you must keep trying to make this relationship work.

Hypothetically, if you were to leave , do you have family or friends that would give you a place to stay while you find your feet? Even if it's just a spare room. You say you've not been in London long enough , could you move back home to start a new life? I'm just throwing ideas out there but I just want you to see that you're not stuck and that being a single parent can be happier than what you have now.

If your family are supportive being closer to them might be just what you need to gather the confidence to rebuild.

Well done for having the conversation. Does the little one nap? If so I think you need to tell your DP that twice a week you are going to put him down to nap and then go out for a coffee/go to the gym/swim. He then has to deal with your son whilst you are out - after all if he wakes at night when you are sleeping you'd have to get up and deal with it so if he wakes your DH during the daytime nap then he'll have to do the same. It's not ideal but at least it would buy you some breathing space. If you're in London then some of your local parks might well have a one o clock club - I found those a godsend when I was having a rough day and wanted to have an interaction with an adult human being. Your local council website would have details - then you would also meet some other mums and could ask about other activities they go to - mother and baby groups etc. PND is a horrible illness as you just don't want to go out and meet people but getting out really helps.

for you

My (very limited) family live here in London so if I were to go back to where I was before I'd be with even less emotional support, so although it's much cheaper there its perhaps not a great idea with two young DC.

I've never heard of one o clock clubs I'll take a look online.

Hopefully he's serious about changing jobs after Christmas at which point it'll eliminate a lot of the stress.

DS is a good sleeper through the night AND naps in the day so I'm fortunate in that respect, it would just be nice to socialise with adults who can actually talk back once in a while