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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

164 replies

Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 09:40

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 11:36

He's a supervisor at work and constantly seeks the recognition of the manager who feeds him a "great job well done" talk every so often. He'll happily bust his gut at work but washing a few dishes or taking DS to the park (OK maybe not in this weather) seems to be too much effort when he's off.

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 16/12/2018 11:38

parent rat, it's just one parent. Im glad your system works for your family but id rather watch paint dry than someone else playing sport on my day off. Every bloody week.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 11:38

People always talk on here about having equal time to yourself, but for me it's the fact that you're not a family. He's not a team player. He's just looking out for himself. If you (as recommended here) take days off for yourself, too, then your family is even less of a family.

His loyalty is to his friends rather than to you. He wants to spend time with them rather than with his family. He needs to be asked what he wants his children to remember of their childhood and their father, and to be asked whether he realises he risks losing everything.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 11:40

@Seaweed42 it's not healthcare related it's a manual job (think warehouse type but not in a factory) I don't want to give too much away as it could be quite outing and I don't know who's on here.

He doesn't need to work that job, it's too gruelling when you have a family. I'd prefer he worked a day job with sociable hours and I'd happily go back to work myself so he could do it. He doesn't seem to want to.

The job is a pain in the arse. He took no paternity leave after DS was born but has agreed to take one week when baby arrives this time

OP posts:
Cooella · 16/12/2018 11:43

Agree with hollowtalk. It's as if he doesn't want to spend time with his family. That's not good for any of u. We all want a break from time to time but we don't actively avoid family responsibilities.

DishingOutDone · 16/12/2018 11:43

So Why, is this marriage still viable if he is going to behave like this? Or do you need to talk about the future? I normally say something like "what else is wrong" but this one thing is pretty all consuming - he is opting out of parenting and family life. Do either of you want it to continue?

DishingOutDone · 16/12/2018 11:43

(sorry - relationship and/or marriage didn't notice DP not DH)

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2018 11:50

He doesn't seem to realise his life should have changed when he has children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2018 11:52

Remember what he does is his choice and he is choosing to stay away from his family for as long as possible.

Now you have explained the shift patterns and the fact he is doing 14 hour shifts and presumably sleeping for 8 hours the that only leaves 2 hours to eat and get ready for work again.

Why is he bothering coming home. Presumably he could just take a sleeping bag and camp at work that way you could organise a baby sitter and go out.

richierichardsaunt · 16/12/2018 11:53

He's overly sensitive and doesn't take perceived critism well. His default response to me questioning anything is does is to feel attacked
Because you enable this.
He has realised his lifestyle is at risk if he realises how selfish he is.

He is not your DP.
He is your housemate with benefits (for him)

DeepanKrispanEven · 16/12/2018 11:54

I've never said anything to him as I know he'll fire back with "but that's the only time I get to do anything for me"

So you fire back with "And I get no time whatsoever to do anything for me, even when I'm ill.* It's not like he can guilt-trip you with claims that he has to work hard to enable you to be a SAHM, because you've not only willing to get a job, you positively want to.

Tell me, who washes his kit after he's been rolling around in a muddy field? If it's you, I hope you're going to stop immediately?

Cooella · 16/12/2018 11:54

I think at the very least he needs to choose one or the other. Shift work or football. Not both. When he is home u split childcare, housework & hobbies 50:50.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 11:57

It's muggins here who washes his kit yep.

I took a stand against doing his washing last week and left all of his socks in the washing machine for him to take out and dry himself. They were still in there two days later. I'd already done all of mine and DS washing so the wash in the machine was just his bits that he needed to sort out, he forgot about them.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 16/12/2018 11:57

Wow, this thread is so depressing. You are married to a selfish man child who puts football before you and his child. Find your self respect and tell him that unless this changes, you will leave him. You are worth way more than this. So are your children.

Cooella · 16/12/2018 12:00

He is avoiding family life altogether. Tell him he will lose it completely and won't be able to play as much football when he's got the kids to himself EOW.

Cooella · 16/12/2018 12:00

And don't wash his kit!!

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 12:02

I've tried to address the fact that football and his night shifts don't work together but he's very meh about it because he's prepared to lose sleep to go.

When I was pregnant with our DS we had many a discussion about him needing to find a new job because his night shifts weren't going to work when the baby came. He had an interview for day work somewhere else but he turned it down because they expected him to work Sundays starting at 9:00am which meant he'd absolutely have to miss football and couldn't simply sacrifice sleep in order to go. He'd be starting a shift so no football. That was quickly forgotten about and he decided to stay where he is.

He got pissed off with his manager when DS was about 12 weeks old so lined up another interview for somewhere else, unfortunately didn't get offered that job as somebody with more experience took the role. He hasn't bothered trying to find anything else since.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 16/12/2018 12:02

I would avoid canning the footy if possible but he must carve out time for you and DC out of his remaining time. Maybe the first two hours every day when he gets home? Can you go to the gym or visit friends, have lunch, go shopping or something while he plays with DC and does some chores? And some days, you could go out as a family when he gets home - lunch, park, swimming etc.?

But you're right, what he really needs to do is find a more family friendly job but make some changes to your current routine until this happens (as may not!).

MortyVicar · 16/12/2018 12:04

Why I don't think you need to be looking for a specific reason why you're starting to feel resentful. The relentlessness of it was always going to get to you at some point, that point just happens to be now.

i don't think he's being deliberately controlling, but he's such a self centred, selfish arse that his behaviour means he's controlling you by default.

He's living the life of Riley, while you are his cook, cleaner, nanny and shag. With zero time off.

Tell him if he doesn't change, yo'll be changing things for him. And mean it. Because this is never going to get better on its own.

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 12:05

In hindsight I'm fuming that he turned down the first job offer just because it would mean sacrificing football. I just left him to it and thought well there will be others that come along before baby arrives if he's actively looking. Nope, stopped bothering to look. 18 months later he's still in the job he said he accepted he'd need to change.

When he took his

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Wordthe · 16/12/2018 12:09

Unfortunately were never invited so can't share his enthusiasm as it's "his" thing and his time away from work

I suspect a big part of the attraction is that he can pretend that you and the children don't exist, when he's on the pitch he's independent free single and one of the boys

he doesn't want you and the children there cramping his style, he's one of the lads, he doesn't have to answer to you....mere woman that you are

Original poster
Whyohwhyo · 16/12/2018 12:11

Ideally he'd find something 9-5 Monday to Friday then he could have Sunday for his football and he'd spend week day evenings with us as well as Saturday. It's not too much to ask for is it?

He was an assistant manager for a well known High Street franchise before it closes down and worked 8-4 on weekdays so I know there is day jobs out there.

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ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 16/12/2018 12:11

Hit him where it hurts: stop fascilitating his life. Stop washing his kit, stop cooking, stop doing the washing in general. Go on strike. I bet he would rethink things then, because he loves having everything his own way and you at home to fascilitate his life style. No more.

Wordthe · 16/12/2018 12:11

he does not want a job that is compatible with family life because he doesn't want to be part of family life it's beneath him

he actively seeks out work which makes life more difficult for you and gives him a reason not to take part in family life

Pachyderm1 · 16/12/2018 12:12

Honestly I couldn’t live with someone as selfish as that. It would be the end for me. And you’re basically a single parent anyway...