To be annoyed that his hobby comes before everything else

[Whyohwhyo]

DP plays a sport for fun every weekend and it's number one priority. Its getting on my nerves. I think I may be U? We have a 1 year old DC and expecting our second early next year.

I remember when DS was born and I was struggling terribly and had no idea how to parent, zero sleep, and he still found time to absolve himself of adulting and spend every Sunday rolling around on grass.

He works a night shift and regularly stays 2/3 hours late for overtime most days unless he has his hobby that morning, in which case he's out of the work building the second his shift is over and barely gets home in time to sleep for his next shift. I get no help around the home.

His hobby takes him out of the house all morning and half of the afternoon. He's hardly home as it is due to working on average 5 nights a week, I don't feel as though all of the parenting should fall to me whilst he enjoys himself every weekend for the past several years, and coming years. I don't have the luxury of a designated day every week when I can go on my jollies because his shift pattern is so unpredictable it doesn't allow for anybody to make plans around it (apart from his sport, he always goes to that come what may)

He was coming down with a virus so took last night off work because 'he wouldn't go and play his sport' if he hadn't rested so that's £100 of family money down next month. Fair enough though he's ill right. He was lounging around the house coughing and sneezing all of yesterday passing on his germs so low and behold I'm now unwell myself but he's still out the door first thing this morning because he feels well enough to go to and play sport, I'm left to look after myself and baby feeling absolutely terrible. He couldn't even make me a politely and rarely requested cup of tea before he left because he was getting a lift, they lift was waiting and couldn't possibly inconvenience his team mate.

He cancelled plans and fucked us off from 9:00am until about 7:00pm a few weekends ago in favour of sitting in the pub all afternoon on one of his rare nights off with his team mates (I posted about that) and although going to the pub really was a one off that time I think maybe I'm feeling so bitter about his hobby in general because of that incident?

Aibu?

@Wordthe unfortunately I think you're right about that.

I've seen how he behaves with his male friends and it's totally different to how he is at home.

I wouldn't bother reasoning with him because he will never listen to logic and he will never acknowledge anything that doesn't suit him

I would just do everything I could to not facilitate his lifestyle

Yabu to still be with this arse. I remember the thread where he went out then uncontactable.

Just make your life easier and kick him out.

Can I ask why you’re not married? You’ve made a lot of sacrifices and it seems you may be in a fairly vulnerable position? How easy would it be to leave him should things come to that?

He has been able to arrange things so that he has control, he may not have made a conscious deliberate decision to do this, its probably more that being in control feels good to him so he just naturally does things which promote his agency at the expense of yours

He will probably rebel if you try to take back power because he will just feel it as an attack, it feels natural and right to him that he is the boss and anything which works against that he will automatically resist

I think LTB is a bit strong when it sounds like you haven't had discussions about the situation. Working 12 hour nights is crap imv. He's not ever going to be hands on in that case as he's not home enough.
Make more specific and achievable plans for yourself OP eg I am going for this job or I am going to do x after Dc2 is born. I need you to work different hours for that. Or I need you to do fixed hours so I can work too. I'll look online / in the paper for jobs
I want to spend more time with you and DS misses you can you cut back the overtime.
If he is more 9-5 you could have Saturdays together.
If you do the ' I'm lonely, unhappy need you to do more around the house blah blah' when he works such long hours it won't receive much sympathy I don't think.

OP didn't you post about him asking you to meet him in town with dc a few weeks ago? And he left you standing in the cold while he enjoyed drinks in the pub with football mates?
And he's still putting the game first?
You need to have a serious think whether you want this to carry on for years with you being resentful and doing everything.
It will all blow up one day. Nobody can seethe silently forever.

Football is centre-stage because this is about his identity, he sees himself as a player someone who has time for recreation etc... All the things that follow from that

You on the other hand are a mother and so you don't need a hobby because in his mind that's all you are

Haven't RTFT but are you sure he's not having an affair? X

He is a glorified sperm donor. It is never ever a good idea to stop working FT to look after kids with an unmarried partner unless you have independent means of your own.

He will not change, no matter how many chats you have, you already have, this is old ground.

In the pyramid of his life it's, starting from the top: Him, his job, footie, mates, kids, you.

He has shown you, over and over, by his actions, that he cares not a jot about your, the home or his kids.

And, you are not married, which makes you quite vulnerable financially. I truly hope your home is in both your names.

It's night on impossible that selfish, self-absorbed people like this change.

yes it will blow up eventually
your anger and resentment will come out
you'll rebel against him and your anger may blind you to the damage caused to your children by the ensuing conflicts
It would be better if you can to think through all this and try and deal with it without too much trauma

Didn't he cheat on you aswell?
OP this man sounds incredible self absorbed and I would contemplate finishing the relationship. He is showing you who he is.

Either that or I would set some boundaries. Yes he enjoys his hobby and yes it's important. But I don't even think 2 days a month is enough for you. He gets a hell of alot more than that. I would absolutely show him this thread. I would make it completely equal or leave. He's never around or much use anyway.

Silkie
Op has had the discussion but nothing changed
He chooses to work a 12 hour day. He chooses to go without sleep to play football.

He chooses to prioritise football over earnings.

And he puts his friends before his children & their mother. Please don't let this man consume your life OP.

He works full time and you're full time too as a stay at home mum.

It's not fair that he's doing this every single Sunday.

I know this isn't the answer but like another poster, if he's refused to listen I'd plan an activity for myself that I wanted to do on a Sunday, leave for it early in the day and leave the one year old with him to look after. It's what happens to you every weekend. It's not fair that he can't even do that as a one off. There's no compromise. That's honestly what I'd do - leave for my day and leave the rest for him to sort out - meals etc.

You don't have the luxury of a designated day every weekend to enjoy yourself doing a hobby so why should he have that every single weekend? It's not fair at all. Maybe doing that would make him understand and see what it's like.

Please don't let this man consume your life OP

Ah, that's it. He has consumed OP's life in order to facilitate his own.

He works long hours because in his mind that gives him justification to reward himself by playing football
the overarching aim is to be away from home as much as possible so that you are 'lumbered' with the kids as much as possible
he gets freedom and to develop his skills, be part of a team bond with other men, feel like he has some control over his life
For him this is a zero sum game, the more he has the less you have, you are just stuck and trapped and cannot progress or develop as a person

I remember your other thread. Reading what you've shared here I think you're bloody amazing to have managed to cope for so long. It's distressing to see how somebody who is supposed to care for you has treated you over such an extended period of time.

I disagree that it's not deliberate. This thread is filled with examples of deliberate choices he has made to keep the op down, elevate himself and maintain his control/power.

The way he is behaving is completely taking away any possibility of you being able to take control of your own life, your own decisions, and change the things causing you so much pain. As you've pointed out, you want to be able to go back to work, but his refusal to change anything himself prevents you from doing anything to make that happen. Ergo, he has control of your life and you do not.

If he wasn't doing that, or he wasn't there, you'd have so much more power and the ability to control and therefore change the things currently making you miserable.

It's just hitting you now, op, because it's gradually built up to crisis point. These things tend to.

He's treating you as his housekeeper, nanny, and provider of sexual services. I've thread through all your posts trying to find an example of him treating you like a partner or a human being he cares about and I'm sorry to say I haven't found any. He might tell you he does (just like he told you he'd find a different job) but his actions loudly state the opposite.

Would it help to sketch out a plan for yourself of what you'd like to change (eg your really good ideas on working) and how you'd like life to be and work out how you can make them happen if a) you stay together or b) you separate?

And I truly doubt he forgot those socks, he just knew if he ignored them you would have to deal with them and he could carry on the same... He probably got a kick out of "winning".

If you were to leave now it would give you the opportunity to make some of the positive changes you want and need in your life, and to be able to feel a bit settled before baby arrives...

I'm not saying it would be easy, but, my goodness, it can't be any harder than the way you're having to live right now, can it?

Think how much less exhausted you'd be if you weren't having to deal with this crap from him all the time, and could make your own decisions without him sabotaging you or him going on the attack because you dared to stand up for your own needs.

I would angle it as I know you love playing football but we don't spend any time together because of your job and football so one of them has to change, obviously that is your job.

That way he knows you want to spend more time as a family. It is too easy for some people to avoid being a parent, leisurely bathroom breaks, hobbies, working all hours, meanwhile there is usuallt some poor woman going insane with the monotony of it all.

I have been a SAHM for over a decade and Dh has a job which technically isn't 9-5 but he made sure he was home for 6 at the latest so he could spend time with the children before they went to bed and then worked an hour or so in the evening if needed. This is because his family has always been his priority.

I know Dh doesn't ever want me to go back to work because he has it all too easy at home. His job is demanding but I do all housework, 95% of cooking, shopping, cleaning, both children are in secondary school. No-one wants to come home and then do housework so he doesn't.

But I know he appreciates everything I do, he makes numerous cups of tea, buys me little treats all the time, de-ices my windscreen whilst doing his if I am also going out. These small gestures from him every day make me know he is thinking of me, and I do the same for him.

That is the difference, he is taking you for granted, you are the default childcare, and he hasn't once suggested you go out or make arrangements to see people while he literally holds the baby. He is selfish.

Trying to reason with him will not get you anywhere
It does not benefit him to listen to reason
he will just respond with bullshit/spin /wordsalad and generally refuse to take you seriously or acknowledge that you have a point

Yep he's the one who left me and DS stood about waiting for him whilst he changed his mind about coming to meet us in town and then stayed in the pub all day until 7pm. I thought we'd gotten past that up but I think I'm still seething about it hence getting the hump about football today.

He has also been unfaithful in the past yes, he had a one night stand which I found out about of my own accord. Confronted, denied, shown evidence then admitted. We split up, he went above and beyond to regain my trust so we tried again. He was great for a long time and we got past the trust issues. Total transparency. Now there's the issue with the work/life balance.

It's a load of shit to be honest.

As pointed out I'm in a vulnerable position. SAHM and not married (although are engaged)

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm 24.

Did he do his sport before you got together, did he want children?

Most men think children are the woman’s responsibility, especially as they often don’t really want them. Which is why so many men have affairs when their OHs are pregnant. Seen it so often

I'm not sure it's true that men don't really want children
I think they want children but they want the women to do all the work associated with them

We live in London where rent is extortionate, I'm not entitled to council accommodation (haven't been here five years) not that there's any available anyway.

I can't claim benefits because he works, I can't get my own place because I can't claim benefits, and even if I could the majority of private landlords won't take DS's. I've never had to rely on benefits, don't particularly want to.

Home is in both of our names but he pays the rent, again because I've had to come out of work.

I want my own financial stability and don't like relying on him. I was going to start a degree and finance it with student finance but was advised to wait until after baby was born and our son was at least in nursery so I wouldn't be overwhelmed by 2 small children and a degree. Fair enough. I just want something for myself

He'd be fine if we split up, I wouldn't know where to begin.