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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
MsJolly · 16/12/2018 09:37

Fuck me that’s such a sad situation.

And yes, you SIL is off on holiday

mumsastudent · 16/12/2018 09:45

au pairs as heyjudas states are only suppose to work part time & even nannies need time off - I think sil has put op in a bad situation & I cant understand why sil has to do this at an important time of year for her dc???

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 09:46

I suspect the sil is going, come what may.
Sorry, OP, but you're going to cop for this one.

BarbedBloom · 16/12/2018 09:47

Clearly going on holiday. I don’t say this lightly, but she must be a cold person to leave her little 5 year old for Christmas for that reason.

Her mother is clearly going to go anyway. I would have your niece and tell her to buy a ticket home for the au pair. I would just about manage a niece or nephew for 10 days, but not the au pair as well and even though I would suck it up in an emergency, I wouldn’t otherwise.

BlueJava · 16/12/2018 09:47

YANBU - I appreciate some are saying you should take your neice or both so you can keep an eye on them, or because the au pair isn't contracted to work 24/7, but what needs to happen is that your SIL needs to take a long hard look at herself and either stay put or take her DD with her!

Aridane · 16/12/2018 09:48

I would be tempted to suggest you will contact social services if she chooses to abandon her child. She needs a good shake up.

Hardly a matter for Social Services

GlassLantern · 16/12/2018 09:50

Full time childcare is not the time of an au pair. She would need to be paid nmw for 24 hours a day

I8toys · 16/12/2018 09:57

Just say no to the whole thing. She can take her daughter with her if it's that important. Or contact dad if he's around.

Fresta · 16/12/2018 09:58

Shock Some people really shouldn't have children!

BewareOfDragons · 16/12/2018 10:02

Your poor niece.

Her mother is being incredibly awful as this isn't a 'must' trip, it's a 'want' trip. And if she was being honest about her location, she would be taking her DD. She could even ask her ex to help pay for the ticket for their DD so he could see her over the holidays. She must miss him!

The reality is, she doesn't sound like a mother who is prioritising the needs of her 5 year old who is also trying to adjust to the loss of two fulltime parents. That really sucks. Honestly, if your SIL presses ahead and insists on going, though, I would take my niece. Not the au pair, but the niece, for the 10 days, if she gets along with your own 5 year old. I don't think I could just abandon her at Christmas, too.

I'd also contact SS if your SIL has booked flights without secure arrangements for her 5 year old in place. AN au paur is not a secure arrangement.

In fact, it's completely inappropriate since au pairs aren't there to do everything 24/7, they're supposed to be assisting a few hours a day.

beanaseireann · 16/12/2018 10:03

I feel so sorry for the 5 year old and the au pair.
I'd be mad at the sil.
Who leaves their 5 year old at Christmas.
Business my ....

beanaseireann · 16/12/2018 10:07

Get your dp to grow a pair and call his sister out on her appalling behaviour.
Why is it left to you ?

Outnotdown · 16/12/2018 10:10

Op in your position I would feel exactly the same. I would say this to your sil:
Sil, I like to help when I can but what you're asking is too much for this time of year and I'm not willing to do it.

And leave it at that. You can be polite, smile even, but just keep repeating that you're not willing to do it. Don't get bogged down with reasons why not.

Of course, if she still buggers off, you'll have to take the little girl in, the poor thing. But let sil know she's out of order and if she gets annoyed, let her

Awful woman.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 10:11

Actually, it's the OP's husband who suggested the au pair being in sole charge at the sil's house with them overseeing/visiting, apart from the 3 day Christmas period. The sil has said she doesn't want this.
But, that said, sil hasn't made firm arrangements for the care of her daughter, as you haven't agreed at this point, so you are going to have to move fast to get your feelings made clear.
The thing is, if she's prone to kicking off, then she's really going to go skywards on this one, as time is running out, she's stupidly already bought her tickets, and she's not going to let go of the plan for a nice holiday lightly.
As I said before, you're stuck with this one.

kittypop · 16/12/2018 10:13

The people on here are ridiculous - so it's ok for the mother of a five year old to bugger off over Christmas and the OP is being bashed for not wanting au pair and Niece for 10 days over Christmas. She has said she will have them for the festivities. If I had a Niece of course she could stay the 10 days but you throw an au pair into mix it's a whole different ball game. And remember it is not the Op's sister, it's her sister in law. YANBU.

OliviaBenson · 16/12/2018 10:17

Op I think you and your DH need to sit down and be very firm with her about abandoning her child over Christmas for spurious reasons and the way she is treating you all. She needs to hear it.

kittypop · 16/12/2018 10:20

And if it had to be over Christmas why doesn't the SIL take her daughter and the au pair for a nice holiday?

Kochicoo · 16/12/2018 10:22

That's so cheeky of OP to put this on you OP

Tell her in all good conscience you can't agree to it because you'd just feel too bad for your niece and know how much she'd miss your SIL at this special time of year. Say you're sure she understands, sweet smile .....and repeat if necessary. She's awful and clearly just wants a holiday. Good luck.

QueenDoria · 16/12/2018 10:23

I think it IS a case for SS.
Woman goes on jolidY for 10 days leaving 5 year old home alone... this is NOT your responsibility.

QueenDoria · 16/12/2018 10:23

Holiday

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 10:28

I don't think I could take care of one of my husband's nieces or nephews for 10 days (unless it was a proper emergency). They live far away and I see them once or twice a year, not enough to have a close relationship with. I would say no, unless DH took responsibiliy and time off work to do it.

It's so sexist how people are being nasty to OP when it's the child's uncle who is adamant that they shouldn't have the niece. The first few posters telling OP she was horrible have scuttled away like cowards I see Hmm

OP, I think you would be right to say no.

Yulebealrite · 16/12/2018 10:38

It all sounds very dysfunctional.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 10:43

Thank you for all the responses. I think a conversation is in order. I feel I should let my sil how I feel without any judgement towards her. I know my husband believes as I do she doesn’t need to go but wants to go. I am good to have my niece not the au pair. I would prefer she shortened her trip and it not be over Xmas. On a personal note Im struggle with getting a good routine set up for my 2 ds’ so if it’s not an emergency dn can stay but not 10days. Does this seem fair

Ethel36 · 16/12/2018 10:44

I would honesty let your husband handle this, as it is his sister. You need to show a united front on this. Otherwise your husband knows this will become a regular request. I'm now thinking that it would be easier for the SIL should send the aupair home for Christmas and take her daughter with her! As I'm sure the aupair wants to spend time with her own family after Christmas. If your SIL treats the aupair badly, she will leave!

Imustbemad00 · 16/12/2018 10:44

Haven’t read tff but feel everybody’s being really harsh on you. I hate having visitors in my home, don’t think I’ve had an overnight guest since having kids. I would hate this too. I’d probably say yes to the child because it’s christmas. But definitely not the au pair. But I wouldn’t like it, especially at Christmas.

The mother is completely selfish.

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