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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 14/12/2018 22:58

"But what if you don't know your ETA? Sometimes you want to go early, sometimes stay until the end, sometimes you want go on somewhere afterwards."

It's an estimate... and as an adult I'd expect a mutual respect and considerate approach.

An eta isn't set in stone. But I think it's reasonable when living with someone to share your general location and expected time.

Coming home early usually isn't a problem but if I was going to be wildly later than expected I'd be letting my partner know

CardinalCat · 14/12/2018 22:59

I can't decide if I feel sorry for him, having to deal with your controlling behaviour, or whether I feel sorry for you for whatever has happened (that he has perhaps done?) to make you this way.
Your expectations are not normal or rational- even if he has form for getting bladdered and getting on the wrong train, telling you a projected time is not going to affect that kind of feckless behaviour or make him any safer...

Helpisneeded13 · 14/12/2018 23:10

Don't use this as a mums against dads thing it's not at all. It's one person using a mistake the other did a year go as an excuse to make a point. He got on the wrong train ( but he did get home and his battery died- that happens to me daily)
Op has used the family as an excuse, compared him to other people's families, safety and his mistake and then used his reaction to prove he was out of order.
Seems like a lot of jealous nagging and seeking abuse going on.
And pp saying he was wrong to say what he did after getting an earful are just one sided, because I'm guessing ( maybe wrong) than when she asked the question when will you be home, the tone and mood was already negative.

Helpisneeded13 · 14/12/2018 23:14

What if the op was going clothes shopping and her dh asked how much are you going to spend and she said I don't know? And he brought up that the money was for the family, that other women don't buy and outfit for a Xmas party and reminded of the time she bought those expensive boots.
Would people being saying she's out of order for not stating a figure or that he was controlling and abusive?

Pinkprincess1978 · 14/12/2018 23:15

Nope we don't usually have an agreed time home. Sometimes he might say he won't be late which means about 11. He might ask if I want some food bringing home but usually we play it by ear.

Aridane · 14/12/2018 23:16

Give the man a hall pass once a year!

twoundertwo54321 · 14/12/2018 23:25

You sound a bit jealous and angry that he's gone out. I wouldn't expect him to have to tell you what time he would be home makes him sound like a teenage boy having a curfew!

augustboymummy17 · 15/12/2018 06:08

When it was my oh Xmas party I told him get back whatever time you want but don't you dare be grumpy and snotty tomorrow because your tired and hungover and your one year old wants to play or be loud!

Minniemountain · 15/12/2018 06:36

DH had his office party last night. The only prior agreement we had was to do with childcare today (I'm taking DS out until lunchtime). He'll do the same for me next week.

knittedjest · 15/12/2018 06:45

I just ask DH to text me when he is leaving so if he doesn't arrive in a reasonable time from then I can start panicking but ETA's are too much trouble. People get caught up having a good time but have to leave for some arbitrary reason. That breeds resentment.

masterandmargarita · 15/12/2018 06:50

Start panicking? Whats going to happen to him? And i wouldnt want my dh texting me when he leaves. I'd be in bed anyway.

Cclmsc · 15/12/2018 07:27

YABU
Why do you need to know a time?

2cats2many · 15/12/2018 07:31

YABU. I wouldn't be impressed if my DH tried to police me in this way.

Banana8080 · 15/12/2018 07:33

You may not intend to be controlling but you are being controlling.

FinallyHere · 15/12/2018 08:51

I asked what time he would be home, for safety reasons as last year he had a few to many amd ended up on ... It's for his safety.

I just don't see how asking him, in advance, what time he will be home, especially given his experience last year, is 'for his safety'. Could you be reminding his of his mess up last year and asking him not to let something like that happen again? Honesty works better than pretending in these situations.

Have you discussed when you need him home again, do you need to go out and have him there to parent his child? If not, how about leaving him to have fun without seeming to curb it? We have only heard about this one interaction, the context is required to know how much he already leaves to you.

If this is his one night out, it would be kinder, and better for your relationship, to hope he has a lovely time.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/12/2018 15:01

Any normal person in a normal relationship would have no problem being asked what time they'll be home. If you do you have issues, either with your relationship or with yourself.

However any normal partner with no underlying issues can also accept a vague answer to the question when they'll be home. If you're bored or tired you might be home at 10 if you're having a great time you might stay out till 2. The usual solution would be to check in with a text by 11 to let your partner know 0 that's just common courtesy so they don't worry and can decide if they want to wait up or not.

Unless there's a particular reason why you'll struggle alone at home with the kids it shouldn't be a problem for the partner to have the odd late night especially near christmas.

stabulous · 15/12/2018 15:28

LOL

I'd leave him to it. If he ends up on the wrong train with no phone battery again, then that's his own stupid fault and I'd probably laugh about it too.

Fowles94 · 15/12/2018 17:20

We have a little one and have not give eachother any demands on what time to be back. We're adults and cab decide for ourselves.

NotScrewingUpNow · 15/12/2018 17:23

He can do as he pleases as long as you can do so aswell.

Parenting is a shared responsibility. Why some men don't get this, fuck knows.

greeneyedlulu · 15/12/2018 17:23

We never expect or give an eta when we go out separately! Why? We're not running off, it's 1 night so I think you should grow up and loosen the leash before it backfires and he leaves you for being so controlling

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 15/12/2018 17:39

We don't agree a time to be home, but we do agree who's getting up with DD the next morning. If DH knows he will have a lively 5yo demanding he plays with her at 7am latest, he will think twice about going to his brother's to "phone for a taxi" (for which, read "drink until they run out of booze"). If it's my turn, he can stay out all night for all I care. I know and trust him and his mates, and I'll plan for the next day accordingly. He doesn't generally go out for more than a couple if he's on DD duty the next day, and sometimes offers to get up with her if he needs an excuse to go home early. He goes out regularly though, and is usually home by midnight with no more than a bit of a headache after a lie-in the next day, so there isn't the same novelty value about going out drinking that there is for people (like me) who don't go out much.

MrsPeel · 15/12/2018 17:44

I think a rough indication is not an unreasonable request especially if he might get wankered and fall in a ditch.

ittakes2 · 15/12/2018 17:47

That’s teenagers not hubbies that need a curfew.

exaltedwombat · 15/12/2018 17:49

He can't take over child care when he comes home sozzled anyway, can he? So, apart from a natural desire to control him and limit his pleasure, what does it matter?

00lili00 · 15/12/2018 17:51

You can’t control his safety . Are you worried about his loyalty? I get pretty paranoid- my ex partner stayed in a lot and still ended up having online sex from the living room - so can’t control that either . Grin Best to work on your own security and let go of controlling outcomes .

His reply sounds resentful . agree with above that you need time to go out too and kids are a shared responsibility.

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