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Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 14/12/2018 21:46

The deal with us is that you give the longest ETA possible, and then come back on or before. I don't like the phrase "I'll do what I want", it smells of bad manners.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2018 21:49

Why do you think he needs to set himself a curfew? He's not a child

CurlsandCurves · 14/12/2018 22:02

It’s a Christmas do, it’s not a regular thing.

DH has gone on similar in the past, missed buses, no taxis, ended up walking, home at 4am. Once or twice a year for Christmas do or the occasional school reunion.

He’s never kept me informed as such but we’ve been together long enough and I trust him 100%.

In previous relationships I never felt that trust and for good reason it turned out.

If he’s a good guy and just wants a night out, you’ve nothing to worry about, he will be home.

LucieMorningstar · 14/12/2018 22:03

My husband has gone out tonight, he will be back between 1 and 3am. That’s his prerogative, not me telling him.

On the other hand, it it were me going out, I’d need to be back by 11 but that’s a whole different thread!

Howdoyoudoit31 · 14/12/2018 22:05

No I don’t tell my partner when il be home. I’m not a child.
Sometimes it could be midnight and other times 5am.
I’m out, the kids are looked after so I will come back when I’m good and ready.
I don’t buy this crap about a family at home. I’m having a night off if I’m going out.

Ozziewozzie · 14/12/2018 22:08

I’d never tell my dh what time to be home. He always tells me. Any changes, he texts me.
However, if I did ask ( out of interest) and he responded in the same way your dh did, I’d have something to say to him, involving lots of grown up words. Grin

mindutopia · 14/12/2018 22:10

If my dh is coming home to our house, yes, I expect to know when he’ll be home as he would me. It’s rude to stumble in at 3am, wake everyone up and then expect to sleep it off while your partner has to get up with grumpy children (who didn’t sleep well) despite being woken up themselves. If one of us will have a late night, we stay with friends or stay over in a hotel so the ‘on duty’ parent gets a solid night of sleep.

AJPTaylor · 14/12/2018 22:13

I trust my dh as a grown man to survive a night out. My phone goes off when I go to bed.

masterandmargarita · 14/12/2018 22:20

My phone also goes off when I go to bed but.....I can't help feeling that whilst I fully support the males right to party like it's 1999, I have heard few tales of women doing the same. Do mums just generally not get so shit faced at their Christmas dos? Cos I know I don't.

Sindragosan · 14/12/2018 22:23

I wouldn't ask for a time - might ask for what they plan to do, so if it's just dinner I'd expect an earlier return than dinner and pub/club. Neither of us go out much, so we usually encourage each other to enjoy it when we do.

What I do normally ask is what time he's going out from so I know if I'm doing bedtime routine by myself but that's not a problem, it's just for planning feeding time etc.

chillpizza · 14/12/2018 22:29

Mine told me 9:30pm as he wasn’t taking his keys and needed me to let him in, his still not back and frankly I’m going to bed so he can sleep at a friends. I think I hate an era more than nothing as that just gives you a false idea.

Ma15x · 14/12/2018 22:31

chillpizza - mine told me 9.30 too 😂 just got a text saying 'don't wait up'

What's the bet I'll be getting a phone call at 1 in the morning asking for a lift!

scarbados · 14/12/2018 22:32

We very rarely go out separately but I wouldn't expect an ETA from him and certainly wouldn't give one when I'm going out.

zzzzz · 14/12/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kenandbarbie · 14/12/2018 22:35

I never get my dh to give me a time he'll be in. I'd rather he was quiet coming in at 3 than noisy at 11 when I'm trying to go to sleep. As long as he doesn't wake me up I don't care what time he's in.

chillpizza · 14/12/2018 22:37

Ma15x at least yours has text I’ve got radio silence not that I’ve attempted to contact him. The restaurant shuts soon and we’ll tough titties for him. My phones going on silent and if he wakes the children trying to get in god help him. Should of taken his bloody keys the idiot.

fringegrin45 · 14/12/2018 22:39

I find this thread weird, that people think it's controlling to say when will you be home? There's a difference between an ETA and a curfew.

In our house the convo would go like this:

I'm going out tonight, remember it's my work do?
Ok will you be late?
Probably about 2
Ok (goes to bed)

Ma15x · 14/12/2018 22:40

chillpizza oh god haha! At least that means he's enjoying himself?!

Stick to your guns! Will you open the front door in the morning and find him asleep on the doorstep?! Haha

Mine didn't take his keys either, as 'he would be back early' he didn't need them!

Secretisout · 14/12/2018 22:42

Lighten up OP. You treated him like a child and he then acted like one. It's Christmas.

chillpizza · 14/12/2018 22:43

No idea what he will do when he can’t get in and frankly don’t care it’s not his first time pulling this stunt where he says he won’t need his keys and he will be back before I go to bed then isn’t. Wouldn’t mind but I genuinely don’t get to actually go out for a evening or even a meal Wine

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2018 22:44

The problem with ETAs is the rows they often cause when the person decides they're enjoying themselves, so they don't want to stick to it.

There's been 100s of threads over the years from MNetters saying "DH said he'd be home by 1am, it's now 3am and he's not home". Normally followed by a chorus of 'LTB' or 'Wake him up at 6am and stick the baby in his arms".

Much better not to give one and just text (if necessary) when getting in the taxi.

greenlynx · 14/12/2018 22:45

It's simply courteous to let someone know when you may be back.
^ this
I don’t think it’s controlling to ask when your DP is going to be home. We usually tell each other about plans. It could be just rough idea but still...

Secretisout · 14/12/2018 22:46

The safety reason is rubbish. I bet he still found his way home. Dh and I have two kids. We never set a time on big nights.

bagginses · 14/12/2018 22:46

No agreed time here either! The family isn't at home 'waiting for him'- we are doing our own things at home and then going to bed if he is late!

IAmNotAWitch · 14/12/2018 22:55

We have a standing arrangement where if we are going to be later than midnight we let the other person know so they don't worry.

Not an ETA though, just a quick text to say "will be after 12".

We also text the other when leaving the do or whatever, just a quick ''heading home now''.

Again, it is so the other person doesn't worry. It doesn't matter if it is 11pm or 5am.

Neither of us are big partiers though. For Christmas parties we both tend to go for the meal and the speeches and then head home when the loud music starts. We are also now both quite a bit older and more senior and quite frankly things happen at Christmas parties that I do not wish to know about my colleagues. Grin

Can't say I have ever sat at home ''waiting for" DH though, just a normal evening with the kiddos and then too bed. DH is often still up when I get in but that is because he works ''international'' hours from home and often has night calls/SKYPE meetings at weird hours.