To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

[Elmoespanol]

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

How is you knowing what time he should be back going to help for 'safety'? It's not like you can ring the train driver and ask him to go wake your dh up.

I don't ask my dh what time he will be home but I know it should be by the last train. I'm usually asleep by the time he gets home. He's fallen asleep on trains and ended up in some random places. Me knowing what time he was aiming for isn't going to help that. He's a twat for drinking too much, but me knowing his eta won't improve that.

My OH has just gone out. No time was asked for or offered. I'm not his parent.

Bit controlling IMO op.

DH and I don't wait up for each other, and make a point not to wake each other.

Why are you waiting up for a grown man and worrying about him having too much to drink? Your his wife, not his mother.

*you're

Sorry, are you his wife or his mother?!

My DH is out tonight. All I said was make sure you eat as this group of friends have form for going out at lunch time and getting too busy gassing and drinking to get food so they all end up plastered!

Other than, don’t forget you have two swimming lessons tomorrow, that’s all that was said. He’ll be home when he’s ready! Just like I was last Friday

I’ve never asked dh to give me an ETA for arriving home before a night out and he’s never asked me. We do usually text each other when we are on our way home.

No ETA time here, we aren't each other's keepers but adults.

I don’t think there’s an issue with the ‘It’s my night I’ll do what I want’ attitude - as long as you also get that same freedom!

I get a childish vibe from the "I will do what I want" answer.

Someone wanting to reassure his partner would just give the latest time he expects to be back by instead of refusing to say anything whatsoever.

I don't think it's controlling. Anxious yes, but not controlling. Waits for the suggestions that OP should get help for anxiety. That magic free, easily available help .

It's simply courteous to let someone know when you may be back.

Unless he's got form for getting into accidents and if he's not back then he may realistically be in hospital or a police station...then no. If he doesn't do it all the time, it doesn't matter if he gets in at 11 or am, again unless there is a big back story like you've got ill children who need round the clock care and one adult needs to be awake all night.

It was my Xmas do last week, my husband didn't ask when I'd be back and got up with the kids the next day. It's his tomorrow, and I'll do the same.

It’s nothing to do with safety: you would be unable to do anything at all about it should anything happen.

It would be considerate of him to infom you in advance, or during the evening, if he’ll be home way later than usual. And obviously to make sure he’s up and fit and sober enough to do whatever he usually would the morning after, eg school run, work.

We don’t give each other an ETA. If we were planning to get in very late eg. 5-6am, we’d tell each other that, but otherwise no.

How is it for his safety? What exactly were you going to do if he wasn’t back on time and you thought he’d done something silly like taken the wrong train again?

I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

Surely if he’s late home, you’ll all just be asleep-not waiting up to go out on a family outing?!

DH and I have never pre-agreed a time to come out on a night out, in fact I haven’t done this since I was about 16!

If you were demanding a kerfew from me-I’d say 2am. What would you say to that? What time do you think he should have to be home?

Well he does have form for falling asleep on the train. It can be a bit worrying but if it's once a year let it go. Every week or once a month would be more of an issue, unless drinking too much is a regular problem

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

What would you do if he told you he'd be back by 7am the next day?

Safety reasons? Really? He’s an adult, and if he’s done something stupid like got on the wrong train then I’m sure he’s grown up enough to sort it out.

Neither of us give a time. I went out last week, rolled in about 1am. DH knows I’ll turn up at some point. Same as him on a Xmas night out. We rarely go out, and trust each other when we do. Unless there’s some big drip feed about him going out regularly and spending the next day in bed, YABU. Stop mothering him.

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

No. Exactly. And the children won’t be waiting, they’ll be asleep.

My DH wouldn’t agree a time but he has never been irresponsible or left me to pick up the pieces the next day (unless we agree he could lie in and I’d lie in another time). So, I think it depends on if he has form. But even then it doesn’t sound like either of you has much respect for the other. Maybe that’s fair. Maybe he doesn’t deserve your respect, but then you probably should get relationship counselling or leave him.

If he had agreed a time, and was late back would you be up waiting for him or do you settle when he’s out?

I don’t settle well if my DH is out, I find it hard to sleep, but I don’t expect him to stick to a time or be in constant contact with me. It’s controlling, and my anxiety isn’t his fault.

He’s an adult, he’s responsible for his own safety and there isn’t much you can do about his safety simply by knowing his ETA. Falling asleep on a train isn’t the end of the world for a fully functioning adult.

Saying that, he spoke to you like a dick.

I couldn't stand this. You'll all be in bed, why does it matter? My goodness we all need some child free evenings surely?

I don't ask for a time home because then I worry if he doesn't get back for it. I just ask to be kept in the loop with a couple of texts. I then text when I go to bed. My dh doesn't go out much though so I don't mind if he gets twatted a few times a year and spends the next day in bed. Gives me more give if I do the same!

God you're like his mother, "for safety reasons ,,," I'm still cringing.

And no I wouldn't request this of my husband nor him me.

You sound horribly controlling. Did he have to ask your permission to go mum?

YABU to ask for a time. My dh is out now, and I don’t know or care when he comes home as pissed as a fart. I went out last night, I came home pissed as a fart 🤷🏼‍♀️ Meh!

You’ll always set yourself up for an argument if you ask for a time. Who enjoys themselves constantly looking at their watch when out. If you’re having a good time, you’re having a good time.

Sorry OP I think this thread has backfired for you. It is abit odd needing a time and I am also not buying its for safety reasons. Are you concerned about his loyalty here??