To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

[Elmoespanol]

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

I would be probably asking for an estimate but that’s normally just to know whether I should put on the alarm or not. Certainly wouldn’t begrudge him if he were longer. He’s a big boy and I already have one child, don’t need to make him be another one to take care of.
Very BU.

I would personally HATE to be told I had to be back by a certain time (even though it's unlikely that I'd stay out later than 10pm most times) and I would never say that to DH either. You should be able to trust one another to behave like responsible adults.

If I’m going out on a work do I could be home anywhere from 9pm to 2am. Certainly don’t have a curfew or agree a time in advance with DH. Although he does sigh loudly.

i do love a post where the OP disappears after not getting the answers they want.
i imagine them stamping there feet in rage because 99% of the mumsnet population actually do think they are BU.
is amusing.

I've reminded DP he needs to be on the last train when we've had family stuff on the next morning, and I'll sometimes ask if he knows when he'll be home so I know whether to wait up or not, but actually yes, he can do what he wants. His time is his own, I don't own him because we have kids together. If he didn't take care of his responsibilities I wouldn't be with him. I don't feel the need to tell him what he can and can't do.

I'd deliberately stay out later if I was told I had to be in by a certain time.
As it is, we both assume the other is going to be back by midnight or if not we'll text to say don't wait up. And that's all that's needed.

i do love a post where the OP disappears after not getting the answers they want

I suspect this op really did think their behaviour was normal and people would flood in to validate it.

YABU. My SIL does this and then forces her DH to get up with the kids the next day apparently as punishment for him having fun. Sounds like some deeper problems needing addressing here.

I don’t agree a time for my husband to be home but he doesn’t drink and he basically texts me every minute to complain about how he hates forced work socialising and wishes he was at home and mulling over excuses to leave.

I like to have a rough idea of time to know whether or not to be worried - but only as in a “mid to late evening” or “likely to be early hours of morning”. DH once slept through station and ended up at the end of the line. Half hour drive, kids were in bed (obviously). My only question was “is there shelter at the station”? And then I told him that no way were we paying for a taxi, he’d have to wait until the trains started in the morning. He hasn’t done that since...

@Housemum my husband did similar last Xmas. Fell asleep on the last bus home and woke up in the next village. He called me and asked me to come get him but I'd had a glass of wine so couldn't drive (leaving kids not an issue as my eldest is 16). He had 1% battery on his phone and no taxis were willing to come out to the country for him. He eventually appeared an hour later as he'd finally convinced a taxi company to come out (before his phone died) if he paid double the fare!
Raging I was

YABU, he's not a teenager with a curfew. You sound controlling INHO. MY DW went off to her work do without giving me a time she'd be back by. I did the same, I texted her on the way home as it wasn't too late.

no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home?

That's different from safety reasons.

OH is offered a lift from the train station if he's back before DD is in bed, otherwise I'll see him when I see him. Usually drops a text as he gets on the train.

Did you ask him what sort of time he might be back or did you tell him what time he needed to be back?

Did he say “dunno, depends what everyone else is doing, it’s hard to say with these things” or “it’s none of your business, I’m a grown man, I’ll do what I like”?

No. He's not 15 and i'm not his Mother.
If i'm going for a night out, i tell him not to wait up and he says the same to me.
YABU Op.

NotBeforeCoffee
My DH would ‘go for one’ then stagger home in the wee small hours clutching a family bucket of fried chicken

Are we married to the same man?

How do people know when they will be back home? It might be shit and I'll be home early, it might be good and I'll be back at 2am after the pub or it might be amazing and I'll come home at 6 in the morning. What's the point is guessing something you don't know especially if it's going to be used against you

I'd ask. I wouldn't care if he couldn't give me a time. If he did give me an approximate time then I'd expect to be sent a message if it changed a lot. I likely wouldn't see it until I woke in the mornng though.

You sound weird and controlling.

It's been a great thread though, seeing other posters desperate to blame him, suggesting he has drinking problems etc.

I agree with a family you have responsibilities so he can’t just head out without making sure you’re OK to cover the childcare side of things but other than that it sounds controlling. A time wouldn’t be particularly helpful to me because I wouldn’t be doing anything if he wasn’t home but that time. I’d assume he was having fun and got carried away. And if it was late I be heading to bed at my usual time anyway. If he wasn’t home in the morning I’d be worried and on to the police, hospitals, etc. But that’s an extremely unlikely scenario and not one I’m going to prepare for. Sounds like a life time of fretting over nothing.

Asking for an approximate time is OK. His response to that was not nice unless you're pretty ontrollng and he's fed up with it.

The "for his own safety" thing is ridiculous.

You’re trying to mother an adult partner. It shouldn’t matter what time he’s planning to come home. I’ve had this in the past and it drives me mad. If the party sucks, I may be home at 9pm. If I’m having fun, I’ll come home before the sun rises.

YABU, if you were coming on here saying your DH was demanding a time from you everyone would tell you he was controlling and to LTB. Let him go and enjoy his night out.

From a safety POV I like to know when he's setting off home as he sets off / gets in a taxi / on a bus.. A friend of ours was attacked at a taxi rank 2 years ago and mugged. He was lying for ages in the opening of an alleyway before someone found him because no one was expecting him home and his pals just assumed he'd got a taxi. Had to spend some time in ICU, fractured skull, brain swelling ... it's made me a bit paranoid about DH walking about town late at night on his own. (Not that he goes out much because he doesn't).

I don't expect him to come home for "a certain time" because the kids are in bed anyway, just that he's safe and lets me know when he's safely on his way back. It's just courtesy not to worry your spouse, but if he said "don't expect me til 4am" I'd say okie dokie. I wouldn't want a return-by time if I was going out. x