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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
tryinganewname · 14/12/2018 16:57

DH is going on his Xmas do tonight, we have a 5 month old DD who doesn't sleep through the night and I'm exhausted but no, I haven't asked him to tell me a time to be home. He's his own person and can decide when he wants to come home.

It's an Xmas party, let him go and have fun without watching a clock.

WinterfellWench · 14/12/2018 16:58

@elmoespanol

YABVVVVVU. It's his works Christmas party FGS.

You sound like his mother, not his wife. Hmm

Cut him some slack and let him have a good night! Quit being such a killjoy.

EleanorShellstropper · 14/12/2018 16:59

Does he go out often and have form for being utterly shit faced, making bad decisions/hurting himself/peeing in the wardrobe? If so YANBU.

If he rarely goes out then YABU. Just expect it to be a late one, but let him know that you expect him to be able to help out tomorrow, and that you want a night out to be care free, too.

I'm going on my work do tonight and already can't wait to get home to bed....Grin

RebelWitchFace · 14/12/2018 16:59

I'm going for drinks tonight. OH only asked what time I'm going so he can be home with plenty of time for me to get ready.
He has his xmas do next week,I haven't even asked what time he's going.

Huntawaymama · 14/12/2018 16:59

Yabu. Let him blow off some steam. My husband enjoys shooting during the winter and ends up in the pub after, if he's coming home great he can when he wants, if he decides he can't be bothered with a taxi and stays elsewhere then yes I'd expect a text just to let me know he won't be home so I don't think he's died when I'm breastfeeding at 3am but he's an adult

Chickenitalia · 14/12/2018 17:00

Dh is out today for his. Other than asking how he planned to get home, as if he wanted a lift I would be leaving town at 6.30, nothing was said beyond ‘have fun!’. It happens once a year, sometimes he’s a sad mess and other times he’s in by 7 because the others have also got plans for the next day. This is also true when I go out, about once a year. Other people are around and so it’s not really as simple as setting a specific time, imo.

My dc have survived this casual arrangement so far...

saralogan234 · 14/12/2018 17:02

To be fair, I wouldn't give my DH a set time to be home, unless we had something important on the next day. Mainly because I wouldn't want/expect him to give me a curfew either.

Original poster
Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 17:02

I didn't tell him what time to be home. I asked what time he would be home, for safety reasons as last year he had a few to many amd ended up on the wrong train with no phone battery! This has nothing to do with being controlling - I don't care what he does! It's for his safety.

OP posts:
HildaZelda · 14/12/2018 17:02

YABU. He's a grown adult and you are not his mother. He doesn't need a curfew.

ISdads · 14/12/2018 17:02

You really can't guarantee others have curfews, no. I don't know anyone who would have and am Shock at the idea.
Asking if the other parent is ok to cover babysitting for the night is normal, having to give an estimated return time is not

gamerchick · 14/12/2018 17:03

I never give a time I'll be back from a night out and neither do I expect one from husband.

SoyDora · 14/12/2018 17:03

But surely he won’t know what time he’s going to be home? It depends where they go, what everyone else is doing etc.

SweetheartNeckline · 14/12/2018 17:03

I like DH to indicate pre- or post-midnight so I know whether to stay up for a natter or not, but don't expect a time to be agreed upon. Obviously I expect that he is respectful of whatever plans we may have the next day - I usually say he can lie in or tell him if I'm planning something particular which means he needs to be fresh, but I don't care what time he comes in.

Is he noisy when he comes in or are you planning on sharing a sneaky kebab when he does? Does he have a history of disappearing until midday the next day? If so YANBU to ask the question as a shorthand for "are you going on a total bender" or "shall I lock up"; expecting a specific eta other than "it'll be a late one" is unusual though.

SoyDora · 14/12/2018 17:03

I assume he made it home ok despite getting on the wrong train with no battery?

swampytiggaa · 14/12/2018 17:04

I’m a mother. Last weekend I went out with my running club. H didn’t ask me what time I would be home. I rolled in about 3am. Absolutely fine to take part in family life on Sunday after a decent lie in 😉

Oysterbabe · 14/12/2018 17:04

YABU. How would he know what time he'll want to come home now? I've never asked mine what time he'll be back, we have 2 young children.

Beansandcoffee · 14/12/2018 17:04

He is an adult. He doesn’t need to check in. I would laugh if my partner told me I needed to be home at a certain time. We save that lecture for my 16 year old not the 53 year old dad. Even when kids were small we didn’t have home times. I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable.

PinkHeart5914 · 14/12/2018 17:05

Have 3 dc but When me or dh go out, NO we do not agree on a home time becuase we are not teenagers and don’t need mummy’s permission to go out!

I’m an adult when I go out I will be home when I am ready, my dh is quite capable of looking after dc without me and me without him.

ISdads · 14/12/2018 17:05

Your update sounds worse!! How would you knowing his arrival home time have been of any help? Let him do his adulting thing as he sees fit - well or badly - and parent the kids, not him. No wonder he was so snippy.

Satchell · 14/12/2018 17:05

I don't want to have to give a time i'll be home when I go out and don't expect one from DH.
What if I say midnight and then fancy a night club? Not allowed?

IgglePiggleWiggle · 14/12/2018 17:05

He's a grown man. You're mothering him and it's not pretty. He can make his own way home and charge his own phone. If he doesn't that's on him.

masterandmargarita · 14/12/2018 17:06

Why can't you let him deal with his own safety?

wingardium8 · 14/12/2018 17:07

Nope, never agree a time when either of us will be home. Normally we tell the other to have a lovely time and not to rush back on our account.

Equally, if one of us was home v late, the other would suggest a lie-in in the morning to recover. Because it goes both ways and we like each other to enjoy ourselves away from the family now and again.

Is there back story to your curfew demand? And I don't mean small kids because they're really not a reason never to go out late.

Beansandcoffee · 14/12/2018 17:07

If he misses his train or gets on the sting one so what. He is an adult. If he lived on his own he would get himself home. Now if it was my teenage child then I would worry but not an adult. He needs to let go of the apron strings one day OP :-)

IMissGin · 14/12/2018 17:07

I’m assuming there’s a backstory?

DP is at his tonight, I’ve reminded him he has the kids at 9am for an hour while I’m at hairdressers and warned him that the venue is notoriously shit for taxis so he may want to pre book. No agreed time.