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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
CauliflowerBalti · 15/12/2018 17:58

You are both BU. He shouldn’t talk to you like that, you aren’t right that parents with kids have curfews. The point is the freedom of it all. My last night out, I was dancing at 3am. Bloody marvellous. My husband didn’t try and cap it. My hangover, my problem with our boy the next day (though he was lovely and let me recover).

NotBeforeCoffee · 15/12/2018 18:00

My DH would ‘go for one’ then stagger home in the wee small hours clutching a family bucket of fried chicken

OrdinarySnowflake · 15/12/2018 18:01

another "nope" here as well.

DH will tell me he has drinks and if he will or will not be back for dinner.

Your DH has told you not to wait up, so you know it'll be at some point after your normal bedtime, assuming you make it clear he has to get himself home, then what difference does it make if it's 1 hour or 4 hours after the time you go to bed?

I suppose it helps that we have young DCs, so if DH missed a train, or got on the wrong one, he knows I can't easily drag them out to go pick him up, so would expect him to get himself home.

Nearly47 · 15/12/2018 18:04

I don't think is nothing to with family. It is you as couple. If my DH goes to a work party I don't ask what time will he be back. He usually not very late and tell me all about it when he is back. He does the same for me. Would be different if he was having lots of nights out alone and me not even knowing what were his plans.
I didn't like the way he talked to you but I don't know how you talked to him first.
To be over controlling is never attractive.... Set him free and he will love coming back to you.

EnglishRose13 · 15/12/2018 18:05

I went to the company Christmas party last night and it fifth cross my mind to let my husband know when I'd be home. I got home at about 3:30.

confusedat30 · 15/12/2018 18:38

When I go out I tell my other half not to wait up for me and vice versa, I don’t see the problem? I’m not going to be looking at the time when I’m out having fun with friends and neither is he. I drink he doesn’t but that doesn’t make a difference to the fact that there is at least one of us at home looking after our 3 kids, he can call me if he needs me and I can call him.. it seems rather controlling that you need to agree on a time tbh.

FaveNumberIs2 · 15/12/2018 18:39

Neither me or my hubs goes out regularly, although I go out more than him for friends birthdays and the works Christmas night out, but neither of us have curfews.

I always start out with the intention of being home before midnight, and end up texting him to say “going into town, will see you when I get home!”

What’s up, op, can't you cope on your own with the kids asleep for the night?

eurochick · 15/12/2018 18:47

We had our Christmas parties this week. Mine was in another city so I stayed in a hotel. His was last night. He told me roughly when he was planning to leave but I didn't expect him to and wasn't bothered when he got in.

I'd be pissed off if someone was so tired/hungover regularly that they were incapable of engaging in family life the next day, but occasional big nights out are fine.

Prettypoloponies · 15/12/2018 18:48

YABVU unless there is form, let he man go out and come home whenever he likes, let him lay in and then take the piss all day about his being hungover or hangery. Going out and having fun occasionally doesn’t need to stop just because you’ve got children. As long as it is reciprocal then I don’t see then need to get all uptight about it - just because you’ve got children!

ThatWhiteElephant · 15/12/2018 19:53

My dh (dad to our two children) has just been on his works Christmas do. I didn’t even bother asking him what time he’ll be home ‘cos he wouldn’t have a clue.

Fuglywitch · 15/12/2018 20:13

Unless you have somewhere to go, together next day or he doesn't have a key, then he should come back when he wants (within reason).Tho if he's like my other half, a right noisy devil, when coming home drunk, explain this to him and ask him to be home at a reasonable time.

BaaLamby · 15/12/2018 20:21

I wouldn’t wait to be asked. Out of courtesy to my partner I would give them a rough time I was planning to be back and if I was going to be later I would text to let them know. It’s called respect!

Turnitaroundagain · 15/12/2018 20:32

I wouldn’t expect much from my partner, a text giving an indication of the plan would be nice but I wouldn’t expect anything. He’s an adult and it’s good for him to let go of responsibilities for a few hours.

BackforGood · 15/12/2018 20:35

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

another 'no' here, and another YABU.

Don't think this has gone the way you expected, no ?

SundayGirlB · 15/12/2018 20:46

I wouldnt ask for a time but generally an idea ie. a late one don't wait up or a few beers. Either is fine but its just courtesy, no? His answer was rude and unnecessary, and the only excuse I can think of is if you have form for being controlling but that's just conjecture.

Hayles88 · 15/12/2018 21:04

Jesus YABU. How controlling. I'm staying at a hotel after my work party next week, as are most of my colleagues. I wouldn't want to be with a man that accepted a curfew. Its a Christmas party, he's a grown adult. Its one night.

MarvellousMayhem · 15/12/2018 21:13

Could you buy him one of those battery pack things for his phone for Christmas, as a subtle hint that if its 3am and he's not home and you think he's laying in a ditch, he can text you?

As most people have said a curfew is not reasonable but communication is. YANBU to worry when it's very late but actually what can be done if they don't respond? Worrying won't help.

Booboo66 · 15/12/2018 21:16

Lol at the idea that getting on the wrong train is a huge safety concern. Haven’t we all done that? DP goes out around once a week, he generally says it might be a late one, or it shouldn’t be a late one which is usually the case. Either way, I stay up as late as I choose and if he isn’t home then I go to bed. He works for a very large company in a small city so often bumps in to people he’s not seen for a while. I’d hate to think he felt pressured in to leaving catching up with someone or taking ship because he’d given me a time to be home like he’s a teenager. I’m not concerned about his fidelity and I’m confident if he got on the wrong bus he’d be able to get back on the correct one or in to a taxi because he’s a grown man. 💁🏼‍♀️ Unless your concerns reach far further than the wrong train thing then YADBU

birdonawire1 · 15/12/2018 21:31

Being on the wrong train is not a safety issue, it’s a stupidity issue, and you do sound controlling. He’s an adult, not a child or your teenager daughter who may like walking down dark alleys at night and be in need of a taxi home

CountryGirl1234 · 15/12/2018 21:48

Well I can’t understand the posts that point towards you being controlling OP. Sounds to me like his attitude is just coming over as a little ‘I’ll do what I darn well please, thank you very much’. If you can trust him to come home at a sensible hour then obviously you wouldn’t need to be sounding him out as to whether he’s likely to go on a bender or not. I don’t think the issue here is when he’s likely to be home as such. Just for him to let you know his intentions. And less of that attitude!!

C0untDucku1a · 15/12/2018 21:57

You've twice posted ‘for safety reasons.’

He is a man-child. You are tying to be his mother. Just don’t.

To answer hour original question, when dh goes out drinking i know he will be home after ive gone to bed so i dont care.

BlackBagTheBorderBinLiner · 15/12/2018 22:03

DH's work do's have ranged from nice lunch back home by 6pm to kicked out of a nightclub at 3am.

I don't think it unreasonable to get an idea of when he expects to be home.
He has form for the 3am rescue me phone call, or inappropriately crashing on colleagues sofas, I wish he'd book a bloody hotel.

He resents being asked to text if it's looking past midnight.

Interestingly I was late home from work, driving back from a site visit, dreadful traffic. And he was frantic with worry at 10pm (ETA was 8pm)..... Clearly one rule for him, different for me....

sparkleandsunshine · 15/12/2018 22:22

I would never give a time for coming home and neither would my husband, our DD is 2 and when you have a night out we want to chill out and not worry about anything! I text him throughout the night, and when I’m leaving where ever I am, and he does the same for me, though sometimes we don’t see those texts because the other person has already gone to bed. Though he goes out Max 4 times a year and me only once or twice.

poppy54321 · 15/12/2018 22:28

I think it's a courtesy to offer your plans for the evening to your spouse, I think it is kind, thoughtful and loving to do so. They are plans though and don't have to be set in stone. If you have a partner who isn't like this then you can't impose a curfew and it isn't reasonable to ask someone to agree a time to be back like they were a teenager. If he often decides go out and not give you details or specify what his plans might be then I think this is rude, he may be withholding on purpose and wanting you to feel uncomfortable. I have experienced this for years, it's not pleasant.

brownmoose · 15/12/2018 22:33

Um no.

He's not a child. I'm sure he has a key to his own house to let himself in Wigan after you've all gone to bed.