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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
RefuseTheLies · 14/12/2018 19:30

My DH occasionally gets pissed and falls asleep on buses, on trains, in nightclubs and one time, a shopping mall.

We’ve got a toddler. I did not ask when he was going to be home from his Christmas night out last week (just enjoyed having the bed to myself, then got up and out the house early next morning to let him sleep off his hangover).

LittleLlamaontheduskyroad · 14/12/2018 19:31

I don't agree a time with my DH. I just tell him to let me know when he's leaving. You never know where the night may take you. Or it might be shit and they might leave early.

I don't know anyone who agrees a time either. Do you give him a time you'll be home when you go out? What if you're enjoying yourself? Do you tear yourself anyway or carry on & agree a new time?

Cuddlykitten123 · 14/12/2018 19:37

I think the extent of my time check was to ask if he'd be be hear to help with bedtime etc... oddly enough the works do won't be over by 7.30 PM so no use to me as a co parent that night, stay out as late as you like!! I'm in ordering in a Chinese once kids are asleep and watching bad American "reality" TV Grin

Heyjudas · 14/12/2018 19:41

I'd probably play it by ear at a party too. Sometimes they're crap, sometimes you want to continue the party, so I wouldn't like being tied to a time.

Bythebeach · 14/12/2018 19:43

Well my DH is at his work do tonight. We did agree a time he’d be home but that’s because he works a couple of hours commute away so tends to stay over a couple of nights mid week. As his work party’s tonight, we’ve agreed he’ll be home before midday to allow to have a lie in but not lose our whole family weekend. But I’ve no idea what time he’ll roll from the party to his bed!!

Bythebeach · 14/12/2018 19:44

Aargh clear as mud ...obvs he’s staying away tonight and agreed to be home midday tomorrow!

autumnnightsaredrawingin · 14/12/2018 19:49

Nope, not a chance my DH would give me a time he’d be back from a work party. We have two young children.

Bobswife39 · 14/12/2018 19:54

YABU, if my DH is out for the night it's up to him what time he comes home. Same as when I go out, he wouldn't dream of telling me what time to be in. who wants to be clock watching all night because they have a curfew!!!

wibbleybibbley · 14/12/2018 20:02

YABU - he's a grown man.

Just be thankful he hasn't rolled in when you're still trying to do bedtime pi$$ed and in a bad mood after drinking since 11am as my OH has just done.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2018 20:04

So, given your update. He tells you he'll be home by midnight as per your question. Then he's not home by midnight. You phone him but his phone is out of battery. Then what?

I've got to be honest, this is really odd op. The way you've phrased your question implies he only goes out once a year.

Holidayshopping · 14/12/2018 20:08

I have children and all of our friend have children. I have never known any of us give an agreed time to the other before leaving the house! You sound very controlling.

Marmite27 · 14/12/2018 20:10

Though I have just text him a photo of DC1 in the bath with the comments, ‘fuck! does this look like chicken pox?’ Usually I don’t bother him when he’s out Confused

Louiselouie0890 · 14/12/2018 20:12

I wonder how answers would change if this was a man that had written it. He's an adult let him have a break. I'd tell my DH to do one if he tried giving me a time I'm not a child.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 14/12/2018 20:15

Does having children mean you shouldn’t go out then? Unless he has form for regularly going out not coming home and being useless and hungover the next day then what’s the problem?

AnxiousMcAnxiousFace · 14/12/2018 20:17

I have never asked my DH when he will be home. I may shout after him to not even think about even breathing loudly when he gets back and waking us up.

He has asked me a couple of times and I always reply with no bloody idea. It’s normally very late. He probably wouldn’t know I was missing until the morning, but then the only way to avoid that is for him to wait up for me. This is silly because then he would be tired when he has to get up in the morning so I can nurse my hangover and have a lay in! Grin

DaffydownClock · 14/12/2018 20:32

I assume your DH is an adult and therefore perfectly capable of taking care of his own 'safety'? If he isn't then perhaps you shouldn't let him out unaccompanied? Or ask his friends to look after him?
Completely ridiculous OP, I wouldn't dream of asking my DH and stopped asking the DCs once they left school, years ago!

NoAprilFool · 14/12/2018 20:40

My husband always asks what time I’m planning to be home and it really pisses me off.
I don’t go out that much, I’d love to see where the evening takes me. I was out tonight on my work Christmas do but am home already because I (stupidly) promised 5 year old DD a story and a kiss. If I hadn’t, I’d still be out there!

MarilynSlumroe · 14/12/2018 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TokyoSushi · 14/12/2018 20:48

Not RTFT but we are 'allowed' to stay out until whatever time we like but we do always give a rough time so the other won't be worried. For example if I'm going to a local pub or friends I might say I'll be home about 11ish, if it's a big night out in a nearby city it might be 3am. Whatever time is fine, but it's awful if you're expecting somebody at 11 and they turn up at 3.

festivedogbone · 14/12/2018 20:55

My DH is at his work Xmas party tonight. He's not given me an ETA and I wouldn't expect one.

FilthyforFirth · 14/12/2018 21:14

My DH is at his xmas do tonight. I asked him roughly what time he thought he'd be back. He said he wasnt sure so I left it at that. We have a 1 year old, but that doesnt mean he isnt allowed a night out.

YABU

WendyWarthog · 14/12/2018 21:19

YABU.

Me & DH never give each other ETAs for work night's out. We're in our 50s so we don't do much exciting stuff. If we stay out past 10pm that's quite exciting!

However, many years ago now I did stay out very, very late which worried him. It was about 2am after a work Xmas do.. I was at a taxi rank close to my office which is open 24 hours. I was desperate for a wee so I went in to use the loo. Then I wanted a drink of water so I went to my office. And then I sat down at my desk. And fell asleep.

I was woken by the cleaners at 6am. I rushed out and got a taxi home. He was frantic with worry but it was in the days before mobile phones so I couldn't let him know I was ok. I was mortified at getting so pissed!

It could have looked hugely suspicious but was entirely innocent. I'm glad that my DH knows me well enough to know that I'm a crap drunk who always needs a wee, water and a sleep and that my libido is so low that there's zero chance of me getting up to anything illicit even if I wanted to, which I don't. A nap on my desk is just so much better!

I still cringe with embarrassment about it though!

Sofabitch · 14/12/2018 21:20

I would always give an ETA its basic respect.

chunkyjumper · 14/12/2018 21:23

My DH has his work do last Friday. Started at 2pm. I was working until 11pm, I fully expected him to be home around 8 as he’s a lightweight Grin. Called him when I got out of work to see if he wanted a lift home (we live in the sticks and he was in town which I pass through on my way home) he said he was happy to get a taxi later (I could hear Cotton Eyed Joe in the background Blush). He rolled at 2.45am!
I didn’t care as he never ever does it, buuuuut he forgot his bloody key!!!! Angry

adaline · 14/12/2018 21:30

I would always give an ETA its basic respect.

But what if you don't know your ETA? Sometimes you want to go early, sometimes stay until the end, sometimes you want go on somewhere afterwards.

OP is at home with the children, so there's no babysitter or anything to worry about. Why can't he just go out, have fun, and get home whenever he wants?