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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
DeepanKrispanEven · 14/12/2018 17:36

I've never agreed a time with DH, but when the kids were little he had the sense and consideration to know he needed to be back at a reasonable time. I'd be quite pissed off if he'd said he'd do what he wanted.

pigsinarow · 14/12/2018 17:37

YABU. I had my work Xmas do yesterday, genuinely thought I’d be home in time for dinner (it was a lunch do) but DH said ‘don’t worry I’ll see you when I see you’. I got home at 1am. I had texted to keep him updated on that though. No problem at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2018 17:37

Sorry OP but you're being ridiculous.

We have two children. It's my husband's work do tonight. He's staying in a hotel. He does this once a year and he goes with my blessing. Works hard and doesn't get to go out much because of his hours. He covers childcare for me all the time because I work away from home A LOT and he's local.

Your relationship sounds stifling and I think you should pay heed of that before your husband really tells you where to get off. Parenting is forever but childcare doesn't mean that both of you have to be watching over your offspring 24/7. You can do it/he can do it/you can both do it. Any one of those works.

How old are your children?

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2018 17:38

The safety thing is an excuse OP

You're not going to make him any safer by knowing what time he intends to be home.

Also, I imagine if he plucked a time out of thin air and didn't stick to it, you'd have the raving hump with him.

A text when he's actually on his way home should suffice.

AaahhwoooooOOOOooOOOOo1 · 14/12/2018 17:39

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

Fucking hell just seen this.

2 DC here. Still didn’t occur to me to ask when he’d be home.

Birdsgottafly · 14/12/2018 17:40

" I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?"

Absolutely, no. I can guarantee they won't have.

My DH didn't give me a time and neither did I. That was the days before movie phones, when you went out and your Partner saw you when s/he saw you.

Jesus, enjoy yourselves once in a while.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 14/12/2018 17:42

You're his wife, not his mother. If he ends up in the middle of nowhere it is his problem. I suggest you tell him that YOUR phone will be off, and that you will not be ringing him, looking for him, or picking him up, and that if he wakes the house up with drunken antics or lost keys when he gets home then you will wake him up in the morning when the children wake, hungover or not.

onlywanttosleep · 14/12/2018 17:43

DH works late shifts. Most evenings I don't know what time he'll be home. The only time we'd have that conversation would be if we needed to swap over for childcare.

How would it help his safety - do you call the police if he doesn't come in when he says he will?

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 14/12/2018 17:45

No it doesn't. As long as the OP gets to go out too.

My husband never thought I was taking the piss if I had a night out and he had to do childcare early morning and vice versa. I would be well pissed off if he expected me home by a certain time so I can help with childcare in the morning.

You should've kept reading U2. That's precisely what I said in my next paragraph, that it would normally be unreasonable for couples in this position not to mutually agree time off for each, and that it should be equal.

And if a couple can't agree, they're probably incompatible anyway.

abbsisspartacus · 14/12/2018 17:45

I usually ask what time do you think you will be back by so I know if to wait up or go to bed either way it's no bother just a thought

sparklefarts · 14/12/2018 17:51

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

Not once has is occurred to myself or DH to have to agree a time with each other when going out.

I find this bizarre, borderline controlling and would ruin a night out clock watching.

JustABetterPlayer · 14/12/2018 17:52

You sound controlling, unless he’s an alcoholic or does this a lot it doesn’t seem an issue.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 14/12/2018 17:52

I usually ask what time do you think you will be back by so I know if to wait up or go to bed either way it's no bother just a thought

Why would you wait up though? If I wanted to go to bed at 11 and knew my DH would be getting home half an hour later I wouldn’t wait up any more than if he was going to be 5 hours later. I am genuinely curious as I have never really understood this.

sparklefarts · 14/12/2018 17:54

Bold fail. Whoops

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 14/12/2018 17:54

The only legit reason I can see to wait up is if there's a big backstory here. Otherwise OP would really benefit from chilling the fuck out.

masterandmargarita · 14/12/2018 17:54

The staying in a hotel because of a late night out is an interesting idea. Do alot of people do this?

HestiaParthenos · 14/12/2018 18:05

I don't think I'd like being married to a man who needs a curfew.

Sounds exhausting, like having another child to manage.

Not saying you don't have a point, but I'd expect an adult man to be able to control his own alcohol intake. And to know when he needs to be back so he can make breakfast for the children in the morning.

Not sure if irresponsible behaviour can be fixed, but if he has form for this and you still feel he is redeemable, leave him alone with the children, go out drinking, and return early afternoon the next day.

Experiencing the problem of being responsible for the children on his own, and the worry about not knowing where you are, he might be more reasonable in the future.

Gatehouse77 · 14/12/2018 18:07

We give a rough time but we're not beholden to it.

adaline · 14/12/2018 18:11

The staying in a hotel because of a late night out is an interesting idea. Do alot of people do this?

I have done in the past, yes. Because we live rurally and it would be cheaper than the cost of a taxi, and it means DH doesn't have to come out and drive on icy rural roads just to pick me up late at night.

I guess it depends where you live though. For me there's no public transport home so it's a choice of not drinking and leaving early enough that I'm not too tired to drive, dragging DH on two 90 minute round trips (dropping me off, going home, then picking me up again), or paying over £100 in taxi fares!

lilybetsy · 14/12/2018 18:14

I agree a time for my teenagers to be home. If I go out i let them know roughly when I expect to be home and would text them if I was much later. But an adult ? no way. YABVU, a bit controlling and patronizing.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 14/12/2018 18:16

I know of people who've done it when they don't live that close to where they're going and they'd have to get an expensive taxi. If it's going to be £50 home and you'd have to wait in the cold with no guarantee of getting one, it's not that big a step to £75 for a room. Although I imagine you'd suffer coming home the next day!

There was a pp made a good point about the next day too. Sometimes it's not really about the difference between coming in at midnight and 5am, it's about the difference in what a person is going to be realistically and safely capable of the next day with those 5 extra hours on the piss.

So if one parent is going for a quiet couple in the local and home after last orders then they're probably ok to watch child 1 and 2 while the other takes child 3 for swimming lessons the next day, whereas if it's a big clubbing night then the non-drinking parent may well need to pack everyone's swimming costumes.

We usually try and keep the next day pretty stress free if one of us is likely to be feeling the effects from the night before, just for an easy life. I realise not always possible for everyone though, like if one of you is working the next day.

KnightlyMyMan · 14/12/2018 18:16

I don’t think there’s an issue with the ‘It’s my night I’ll do what I want’ attitude - as long as you also get that same freedom!

As long as he’s not one of those DP’s who makes it feel like he’s doing you some ‘amazing, self sacrificing, Florence Nightingale like favour when he watches the kids so you can go to dinner with the girls!

-That annoys me! - They’re YOUR kids it’s not like you’re baby sitting!

IntentsAndPorpoises · 14/12/2018 18:18

The staying in a hotel because of a late night out is an interesting idea. Do alot of people do this?

I do because there is no public transport after 9pm, and very limited after 7pm. A taxi would be extortionate.

BouleBaker · 14/12/2018 18:35

Blimey. I’m very controlling and trying to stop being so. However, I’ve never demanded DH give me a time he’ll be home. He’s off on his works do tonight. He’ll be very late and quite drunk.

MakeAHouseAHome · 14/12/2018 18:35

My DP would just keep in touch as and when through the night but he is out having fun. I wouldn't expect him home by a specific time... YABU.