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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
diddl · 14/12/2018 17:07

" will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?"

Not necessarily agreed-although my husband tends to give me an idea.

He's never incapable of getting home though.

What are you supposed to do if he gets on the wrong train?

Sickoffamilydrama · 14/12/2018 17:07

I never understand the safety element, if something happens you aren't going to be able to prevent it by knowing the time he plans to be back.

However it's sounds like he's being a bit of an arse, he could have said I'm not sure. You are then coming across as controlling it's not your job to manage his drinking or his behaviour when he's drinking.

SinglePringle · 14/12/2018 17:08

OP but here he is again, heading out on another night out! So clearly, no huge harm done that he got the wrong train. He lived to fight another day!

You concern is misplaced.

mummyhaschangedhername · 14/12/2018 17:08

I do out with a group of parents often and our partners never expect us to give them a time. Sometimes with our wilder members of the group their partners will say be home before 2 or 3 or will say to text and let them know what time they will be home.

But no, for the most part no. I do find it odd you wanting to put a curfew on your husband. Surely if it's a night out he just goes out and comes home when he is ready?

Bubblysqueak · 14/12/2018 17:08

I'm a mum and never give DH a time I'm going to be home. Plans change and I'd probably forget to call him and he'd worry.
He never tells me a.time either.

IntentsAndPorpoises · 14/12/2018 17:08

Nope, still treating him like a child. Presumably he got home OK eventually? Not te end of the world getting on the wrong train.

AaahhwoooooOOOOooOOOOo1 · 14/12/2018 17:08

What?

My DH has his Christmas party tonight.

I said ‘see you when I see you’. Which will be tomorrow morning.

It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask when he’d be home.

If he got a train to the wrong place... he’s a grown ass adult. He can sort it out himself!

OliviaStabler · 14/12/2018 17:08

YABU. It's one time a year. He might have a too few many sherry's but so what.

Sounds like you resent him going out to tbh.

HappyintheHills · 14/12/2018 17:09

You knowing a time that he says he will be home will not keep him safe.

Threeminis · 14/12/2018 17:09

My dh was at his work do last weekend. There was no conversation about what time he would be home other than if you are staying at xxx's let me know..
he stayed and forgot to text me. Everything was fine.

Notonthestairs · 14/12/2018 17:09

No neither of us give an idea of what time we will be home.

You keep saying it's for his safety Confused Let him sort out his own safety (and yes my husband has fallen asleep on trains too - I take the view it's not my job to police him).

MeOldChina · 14/12/2018 17:09

Sorry I think YABU unless there are more details.

I wouldn't expect to have to leave a party i was enjoying because DH had set me a curfew and i think I would be giving him short shrift too if he were to suggest it.

If he is responsible for DCs in the morning then yes, i would expect him to be sensible but it would be on him to manage that, not for me to dictate.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 17:10

I think the back story here is crucial. Does DH have form for going out and getting into trouble and needing OP to come out and get him when he's passed out drunk in a bus shelter? Or does OP have form for interrogating him every time he leaves the house?

If there was no back story I would expect her DH to be able to answer a civil question about when he might be back (however "I'm not sure might be late, I'll text and let you know how I'm getting on at midnight" is a totally valid answer).

mummyhaschangedhername · 14/12/2018 17:10

To be honest your update does help. He's a grown up man, you are not his mother. If he doesn't stupid things it's up to him to figure it out. You don't need to be worrying for him.

costacoffeecup · 14/12/2018 17:10

He doesn't know what time he'll be home so can't give you a time.

I wouldn't expect one either, if it's after bed time it makes no difference if it's 9 or 2 to me, everyone will be asleep anyway. What if he says 10 and then doesn't come home at that time, there nothing you can do about it anyway?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/12/2018 17:10

I think his sentiment is right, he is an adult and can judge for himself when he’s coming home (unless if course there’s more to this), however he was bloody rude phrasing it like that.

Looking4wards · 14/12/2018 17:10

It depends on how old the DCs are. If they're very young / babies I would expect a rough idea AND he doesn't get so pissed that he wakes them up when he comes home.

If they're older (school aged) and there's nothing that needs him to get up early the next day then it doesn't matter. As long as he doesn't drag me out of bed at 4am to pick him up from somewhere.

tessieandoz · 14/12/2018 17:11

YABU

minmooch · 14/12/2018 17:11

Bloody hell - for his own safety? What can you do about it anyway?

Whenever I've gone out when children were small I just said I'll see you when I see you. As did my dh. We are adults after all ...

shecamefromgreece · 14/12/2018 17:13

Yabu. He's not a child and allowed to have a night out.
If I'm on a night out I would take kindly to being told I have to say what time I will be back.
For what it's worth dh is on his works do tonight, I've told him to stay out and he's booked a hotel for the night. I don't want him clattering around at stupid o'clock drunk waking me up.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 14/12/2018 17:13

I have never given an ETA on home time and neither has DH
We’re both adults Hmm

masterandmargarita · 14/12/2018 17:14

Shecamefromgreece - that's almost taking it too far the other way!

Bestseller · 14/12/2018 17:14

I dont like the way he spoke to you but i might have tesponded the same if you caught me at the wrong moment and I felt you were tryIng to control.me like that. He's a grown up and responsible for getting himself home. If it's a rare night out , he's fine staying out until he sees fit and getting himself home safely lmo.

I'm off out tonight. The only thing I've told DH is that I'll get taxi back from the station and not walk home alone.

tryinganewname · 14/12/2018 17:15

Knowing the time he was going to be home would not have helped or changed that situation whatsoever Hmm

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/12/2018 17:17

Er just No, are you incapable of looking after yourself, why do you have to "wait for him" Hmm