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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, you can't just do what you want DH?

272 replies

Elmoespanol · 14/12/2018 16:46

DH was going out for his work's Christmas party. I asked him what time he'd be back (for safety reasons, as he tends to drink more than usual at these events). He told me that he'd do what he wanted to do and not to wait up for him. I told him well, no, you're a parent and you can't just do whatever you want if you're family is waiting for you at home? I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

OP posts:
CrazyToast · 14/12/2018 17:17

It's not unreasonable to ask that or to want to know. If he was not sure he could have said he would see how it goes and text but if it gets to 4am maybe worry lol.

What IS unreasonable is his response to you. No need.

All the people twisting her words and saying she is 'giving him a curfew', 'telling him what to do' etc, stop being daft.

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/12/2018 17:19

I’m not sure how this is for his safety. So he says he’ll be home at midnight and he’s still not home by 2am. What are you going to do to ensure his safety?

Dimsumlosesum · 14/12/2018 17:20

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no?

No. With a teenager, maybe. Not an adult.

gamerchick · 14/12/2018 17:20

Reading your first post again I can't see that it's really for safety reasons. What are safety reasons anyway, what do you do when he's unsafe?

Bestseller · 14/12/2018 17:21

The only thing that changes Ilif you know what time he plans to be home,.is that you have longer to be worried when hes on the wrong train with no battery. How can you keep him safe?

StressedToTheMaxx · 14/12/2018 17:22

Dp had his works night out last night.
He put the dc to bed with me, said don't wait up and off he went.
He returned at 3am. I was asleep. He had a wonderful night

Unicornandbows · 14/12/2018 17:22

He told you not to wait for him as he himself doesnt know when he will come back.

If he said 11pm and doesn't rock up till 3am you will most likely be strrssed and anxious and guarantee you will be going nuclear at him.

StressedToTheMaxx · 14/12/2018 17:22

-as did I having the bed to myself-

PerspicaciaTick · 14/12/2018 17:23

I can guarantee that the other people with children will have agreed a time to be home with their partners before leaving the house, no? No - I'm a mother and I don't have to prearrange my coming home time.

And I don't understand how, when he is on a train going in the wrong direction without a phone, he is safer because you are at home worrying that he is late. It does literally nothing to make him safer.

adaline · 14/12/2018 17:24

He's a grown adult - he's capable of looking after himself. If he gets on the wrong train then he can deal with it - you're not his mother!

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 14/12/2018 17:24

Depends how old the kids are. If there'll be night time and early morning childcare to be done and he's unilaterally decided you're doing his share, that takes the piss. He doesn't get to do what he likes and you just have to go along with it, that would be every bit as controlling as you telling him he can't go out. If they're older and him being out makes no difference to what you have to do, then YABU.

In most cases it would also be unreasonable for both partners who are responsible for childcare not to mutually agree time off for each, and it should be an equal amount.

And if you are worried about his safety, I agree with the pp that agreeing a time for him to come home isn't likely to do anything to prevent situations like last year.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/12/2018 17:25

YABU, it's the works Christmas party!

My DP had his yesterday, came back at 4am and left for work looking awful but had a great time.

OP, him being back by a certain time isn't going to guarantee his safety. He's an adult and yes the way he spoke to you wasn't great however if my partner started to control what time I was back, he'd get a similar response.

adaline · 14/12/2018 17:28

This has nothing to do with being controlling - I don't care what he does! It's for his safety

He's an adult! I'm sure he's quite capable of looking after himself, and if he gets on the wrong train or his battery dies then he's a big boy!

KitKat1985 · 14/12/2018 17:28

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. My DH also has his works Christmas party tonight and I didn't ask for, or expect, an ETA. Though I'll certainly already be in bed by the time by the time he gets home.

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 14/12/2018 17:28

I certainly wouldn’t agree a home time, neither would I expect to agree to one! It’s not as if the kids are waiting up for him at home, I think you just mean you are! Even if he gets drunk, gets the wrong train and his phone dies, having an ETA of midnight at home isn’t going to help you solve this problem. He is a grown man and you are not his mother.

I would say it’s generally considered poor form to stay out so late and get so drunk that he spends the whole of the next day in bed while I do all the work though, but he is a grown up and it’s up to him how much sleep he gets. I don’t mind a lie in until lunch time if we don’t have plans. You have to live and let live a little, even when you have children.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 17:28

It really, really depends. Is he out every week, rolling in pissed at stupid o'clock and then expecting you to keep the DC quiet all the next morning while he sleeps off his hangover? If you're just expected to pick up the slack all the time then YANBU to be a bit fed up with it.
However, if this is his one night out a year and you are whining, then YABU, because everyone needs a night out now and again, and you're not his mother.

WorldofTofuness · 14/12/2018 17:29

Do you have the same free rein to go out and drink what you want, and your DP just has to deal with the child(ren) etc. until you get home?

If yes, then YABU.
If no, then you're not.

I'm WOHP, DP is SAHP. It's my works Xmas dinner next week. It'll probably finish mid-afternoon. I might go home straight after. I might camp out on the hills and next be home evening of the next day: depends on the weather. I cleared this with DP, as he has sole charge of DD for an extra evening and morning if I stay out. Whatever I decide, I'll update him.

Oldraver · 14/12/2018 17:29

For safety reasons ? What kind of old cock is that ?.

If he has form for one too many on a works night out then no amount of 'safety concerns' will help.

CheeseAndBeans · 14/12/2018 17:29

YABU!
He's a grown man, unless there is a back story as to why he wouldn't be safe, or he is out until all hours all of the time, leave him to it. It's the work Christmas party!
I would be very pissed off of my OH told me to come back at a certain time, and he would laugh at me if I tried to tell him.
We might send a text during the evening to say we will be back early, or not to wait up as it's going to be a late one. But neither of us would mind if the other didn't text.
Yes he's a father, but the kids are at home with their mother. Same as if you were to go out they would be safe at home with their mother.

MeredithGrey1 · 14/12/2018 17:31

Me and DP wouldn’t agree a time for either of us to be back, but we’d probably give a vague idea. It’s his work Xmas party tonight and I asked when he thought he’d be back but I wasn’t asking for a specific time I was asking more along the lines of “from chats with colleagues is it seeming like everyone is heading home after dinner, or does it seem like it might turn into a big night out”

You’ve said you ask for safety reasons because of previous nights out. But even if you agree a time, if his phone dies and he gets on the wrong train, it doesn’t really help you.

U2HasTheEdge · 14/12/2018 17:31

If there'll be night time and early morning childcare to be done and he's unilaterally decided you're doing his share, that takes the piss.

No it doesn't. As long as the OP gets to go out too.

My husband never thought I was taking the piss if I had a night out and he had to do childcare early morning and vice versa. I would be well pissed off if he expected me home by a certain time so I can help with childcare in the morning. Unless it is a regular take the piss thing what is wrong with him coming back really late?

OP YABU.

highheelsandbobblehats · 14/12/2018 17:34

Husband out on his work do tonight. I expect him back by 11 at the latest, but only because I know the last train is at 10.30. I don't ask or expect him to give me a time. He'll usually send me a couple of texts to let me know how he's getting on. So whilst your DH was rather rude, so we're you by telling him that he can't just do what he likes. And no, no guarantees my husband will be on that last train, but given how much it'll cost him for a hotel or taxi instead, he'll be on it.

LakieLady · 14/12/2018 17:34

He's a grown-up and doesn't need to set a time to be home.

I wouldn't dream of expecting DP to tell me when he expects to be home and he wouldn't expect me to. In fact, when I went out the other night, he didn't ask even though he was coming to pick me up. I just rang him when we were settling the bill, he drove down to the restaurant and took and my colleague home.

If he can't handle his drink, behaves irresponsibly and is likely to get so pissed he ends up injured or passed out in a doorway, that's a different problem entirely.

highheelsandbobblehats · 14/12/2018 17:35

Also, you've said it's for his own safety. What are you worried is going to happen?

BBCONEANDTWO · 14/12/2018 17:36

YABU.

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