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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2018 14:02

Yes because without you, he would have to give up work, then what! He would be reliant on you, and would be doing the lion share of the work, which I don't think he want's. They sound as toxic as hell, your 'dp' is too brainwashed, explains probably why his other relationship has not worked out. He can't have a relationship with anyone unless he grows a backbone and recognises what is happening and does something about it, which he is not doing.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2018 15:18

Op I'm not trying to portray you as misplaying the victim. But I am saying things are as black and white as you're portraying, Snow White and the evil husband and family and that I don't understand why you fought to get him back when he left you, your upset now seems to be more he's not doing enough to prove he wants to be with you.

Either way it seems he's playing lip service, he doesn't want to be in the relationship and his family know it, and whatever horrible things he has told them about you, has resulted in them not wishing any part of you.

Walk away with your head held high. There is no point clinging on when it's this bad.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 15/12/2018 15:42

I don’t think I ever said that I was Snow White. However I have not done anything to the ILs ever. Nor did I do anything terrible to DP. I’ve not trashed him. If there was something to fix, it would be easier. An apology or changing things. I am very sad and disappointed in him. He’s throwing our relationship away. And for what? No good reason. That’s why he keeps coming back to me, I do believe he loves me but his loyalties are not with me. So stupid really we could have made a solid family and given our son great emotional happiness and security. Not all this stress. And SIL could have had a good relationship with all of us.

Although I’ve thought back and realized they were never that warm to me in the first place. SIL would ask very Christmas that we went to my families, to pass on to DP that he’s very welcome with them instead. I found it a bit weird at the time, now I know she couldn’t stand him being part of another family too I think.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2018 16:05

I can’t sort his family out for them. It really is up to them. I’ve done nothing wrong. DP walked out on me, which was pretty devastating at the time. He’s tried to talk to them.

I’ll bet he tried to talk to them. Relations between you and the sister were cordial until he walked out and went to live with her for 2 months 2 years ago, is that right?

Can’t imagine what he might have been saying in those two months.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 16:06

But I am saying things are as black and white as you're portraying,

You really don't know that Bluntness. What's the point in insisting OP is wrong?! All it serves is to make OP lose confidence in herself and in her judgement.

Jb291 · 15/12/2018 16:07

I think the best thing for you to do OP is spend Christmas away from him and be with your family and support network. He sounds toxic and so do his nasty relatives. Make plans for a life in 2019 that don't include him. You could pop in and see a solicitor between now and Christmas and at least get an idea of what you would be entitled to in a divorce and get the ball rolling. He will need to pay you maintenance for his son. Any marital assets are usually a 50/50 split as a starting point with a greater portion of the assets to you if you've had to give up work to look after your son because of his additional needs. Can you spend some time getting an idea about his earnings and assets / pensions so a solicitor will have some information to go on. He sounds as though he's checked out of the marriage a long time ago and isn't worth fighting for.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 16:08

Can’t imagine what he might have been saying in those two months.

Or what he still might be saying. Telling lies to his sister but then telling OP that he was actually defending but her.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 16:08

*defending her

Juells · 15/12/2018 16:14

Any marital assets are usually a 50/50 split as a starting point

I didn't think the OP was married.

EdwardScissorskills · 15/12/2018 16:14

Jb291 - unfortunately, from the way the OP has called him DP throughout I suspect she has given up work to look after their child and llive in a house owned by him (is your name on the paperwork OP?) and therefore apart from whatever child maintenance she can get from him, she is in a vulnerable position.

Gina2012 · 15/12/2018 16:16

I’ve done nothing wrong

Nothing?

DPs family hate you and you're perfect?

Really?

Juells · 15/12/2018 16:20

Gina2012

He's obviously whinged to his family when they separated. That doesn't mean the OP has done anything wrong. Some people just love to whinge and get sympathy for how hard-done-by they are, if they're expected to - for instance - pull their weight when there's a small child with needs.

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 16:21

DPs family hate you and you're perfect?

She's saying she hasn't done anything wrong, not that she's perfect Hmm

geekone · 15/12/2018 16:25

Hi OP is this the ex husband you have lived with for the last six months separated who you have 3 sons with all special needs or the ex husband who you have the 12 year old daughter with its slightly confusing, sorry.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/2768369-EX-expects-me-to-pay-for-visits-and-missed-maintenance

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3439170-Living-with-Ex-H-and-feel-utterly-confused-and-trapped

kateandme · 15/12/2018 16:26

just have a lovely relaxing time this Christmas and new year.let urself envelope you with the love and kindness you deserve and need.
it will be scary starting out.but its only change and change that is scary for anyone.it doesn't mean its a bad thing.so bad all the next decisions and fact and rational thinking.dont be afraid to seek a new happiness or lfie through fear of change and a future that might be a bit up in the air for a while but after that,could be fantastic.you could be free of this weight you seemed to have battled for so long hun.wouldnt that be amazing.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2018 16:29

Look PinaColada they would be unhappy with whatever relationship he had, as they do not want him out of the family, they are unhealthily posessive. Sounds a bit like my mum, she would rather have me living with her and being with her, and has been funny towards dh as 'he took me away from her'. But I have a backbone, and did not allow this to happen, I stuck up for dh, and put mum in her place, which is what your dp should be doing, but he is not, and that is the issue.

Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 16:31

Where is the daughter and other 2 boys spending their Christmas?

Also you live near you family, don't you? So what's the issue then?

Rachelle3211 · 15/12/2018 17:15

Your previous threads certainly suggest something quite different. How many kids and ex-husbands are involved?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 15/12/2018 18:45

I do have an older son too, I just wasn’t sure it was relevant in this particular case. Only one ex DH! Who lives far away. My own family are 200 miles away. Except that by excluding me his sister has also made my older son feel totally excluded too. And they are only interested in DPs son, not my older one. Despite them being close brothers. I did change sexes to try keep it non outing but sorry if I’ve muddled people. The facts are the same.

I had wanted to leave after the summer event, and told DP. I have felt very insecure for the past two years and him going to the event his sister had specifically excluded me and my older son from felt very hurtful. He didn’t even challenge them as to why. I looked for a place but DP has not got the funds at the moment. And he said sorry, and was very sympathetic, said he totally understood that his sister was unnecessarily making things very difficult and poisoning everyone. I said my bottom line was that I didn’t want the kids separated each weekend just because sister wanted only one, and I wanted to be given space to be a mum to both my kids as a family. He agreed and supported me 100%. SIL threw a strop, refused to come for DSs birthday or even send a card. I’d hoped it might open DPs eyes that this was not normal! So since then it’s been a relief, I thought finally DP is just protecting us, I’d have liked all hostilities to stop, but at least I wasn’t having my son basically taken off me every weekend coming back in a hyped up state. But now this.

I had a nice enough day with DP today. Can’t be angry enough to stay cross. But I honestly can’t wait to go home. You know in a way I’m relieved that at least I’m away from the drama of it. I’ll have my kids and I’ll have a great Christmas.

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 15/12/2018 18:52

But one of your threads said you had 3 boys all with SN. Is that all bollocks?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 16/12/2018 00:01

That was a mistake, I have two of my own. Although I have a step son so in a way three. And he lived with us for while and has mild sn! But not living with me now so it’s two kids I feel responsible for. I checked and I seem to have said that ‘I have three kids, both with sn’. So I wasn’t trying to make stuff up otherwise I wouldn’t have said ‘both’ I guess. Apologies anyway I’m not trying to be confusing.

However it is true oldest does have sn too. I said youngest was more severe, but in the last month older one has been developing some worrying mental health anxiety issues that are severe, I’m in contact with camhs, just quite worried about both really. Older DS is at a sensitive teenage age, struggling massively.

Part of my dilemma is I’m very worried about upheaval for the kids, but also not wanting them to be in this messy, insecure situation. And as my other post stated my Ex isn’t helpful and leaves all the parenting to me. Although the manintenance issue has been resolved now, in a sad but more peaceful way, he just doesn’t see his son that often now it’s been up to him.

OP posts:
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 16/12/2018 00:12

Can I just remind other posters often... Posters have recurrent problems and mums net is a great place to vent or get advice or both. We have aright to anonymity and often posters change details... To keep private, to keep from being outed and protect themselves from the the fucking daily mail!

Can any other posters who seem to live on mn and pick over details ever realise this???!!!?

Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 00:39

Totally get people changing details. Like a childs gender or age, slightly.

But her Dp has also been her dh. And she claimed to have 3 kids with SN.

Those things totally change advice and totally changes the situation. Especially when talking about splitting up.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 16/12/2018 01:17

I do have three kids with Sen but one is a step child who now loves with his mum. I’m Mum to two kids with sn. If you don’t want to comment on my post that’s fine, I understand. I didn’t actually want to link them, to be honest. Other people did.

OP posts:
kateandme · 16/12/2018 03:12

but don't you think the link in mental health decline could be in part due to the home situation.i undestadn its frightening to leave/move on.but you keep posting then time passes and ur still there.and all the while you and now you eldest are getting and feeling worse.i don't no how thise will resolved.like today you had an ok day and lready seem to be backing down.but how long til the next big issue or event where he choose his family.
everythin in limbo and you need to make some really (hard I know ) decisions.there needs to be a safe settled place at home.i cant imagine the tension can be horrid if things are like this and people with sn will really suffer with this.