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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 14/12/2018 15:49

The OP explained why she booked the train tickets the way she did, and also that this year was the year to spend Christmnas with her family - they alternate and had been at home last year.
Perhaps she could have clarified it with the DP (although he apparantly procrastinates over committing anyway) but as that is their normal arrangment I cannot see she's done anything else wrong.

Sirzy · 14/12/2018 15:51

However tickets are normally booked in a normal adult relationship discussion about where Christmas is spent is made before bookings are made!

This is coming across as six of one and half a dozen of the other and if both parties are unwilling to admit that maybe they are wrong then it will cause issues!

JessicaJonesJacket · 14/12/2018 15:52

I know it's a bit of a MN cliche but have you tried relationship counselling? You shouldn't feel that you're the only one fighting for the relationship.

But, and I mean this kindly, choosing to spend Christmas with your family without any discussion, wasn't ideal. You've been through a rough patch. You're trying to get back on track but you've fallen straight back into old patterns and arguments. Why not think about starting new Christmas traditions for you, DP and DS that don't need to revolve or rotate round his DSIS or your DM?

Feb2018mumma · 14/12/2018 15:52

Two children and he's choosing to not spend Christmas with either of them? I am so sorry for how hard you are finding it, I don't know what to suggest, I just can't understand it!

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 14/12/2018 15:52

LTB. Obviously. What a dick.

notangelinajolie · 14/12/2018 15:55

Not spending Christmas with you is mean and selfish but not spending Christmas with his child is beyond horrible. You don't need him OP if you can manage a Christmas without him you can manage the rest of the year too.

Upanddownandroundagain · 14/12/2018 16:00

People are being ridiculous blaming you for this. You said quite clearly that you alternate years between your family and his, so it wasn’t unreasonable to have booked tickets. It’s more worrying that he’s letting you be slagged off by his family, and that he’d rather go there and be without his son. It just feels wrong from what you’ve said.

Notacluethisxmas · 14/12/2018 16:01

You said quite clearly that you alternate years between your family and his

They werent at his last year. She didn't discuss it. Just booked the tickets.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 16:03

It is really hard work with our child. I don’t think that’s an unfair comment. I do think there’s an element of D.P. just wanting a break. In fact I strongly suspect that’s why he moved in with his sisters. He just had enough and ran away.

He has many care needs and unfortunately that’s another reason I’ve said his family are welcome to see DS, but with me in our home. Partly to try and stop this madness. However also because when he was taken off by D.P. to his sisters without me he’d come back without many of his basic care needs being met - not that they even saw that.

Look I know many of you seem to feel that I’ve just booked and taken a decision out of the blue. That isn’t the case. We’ve been together 10 years, this is what we’ve normally done. Every other year my family. I book in advance. I tell him. He then lets me know his dates around now. This is what works for him. I’d much rather book with him, but he has never liked that. It would make it easier every year my family don’t know exactly when he’s coming. We are used to it.

That his family didn’t want to come last year when I deliberately stayed, ordered enough food to feed an army, is not my fault. I extended the invite. They could have dropped in for half an hour it wouldn’t have killed them!

I’ve never done what his sister did in summer, excluded just his sister from an event. I could have done but I didn’t.

Just gutted really. D.P. knows full well what this means. He’s said himself his sister has been a bully to me. He knows how much Christmas means to me. This year it’s also the first big family one without my step father. I should have made an extra christmas visit last year really, after he’d died, but I chose D.P. and his family. His family were so busy hating me they didn’t even acknowledge my step fathers passing.

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 14/12/2018 16:06

If you are not welcome at his family's house then he should be trying to help fix the situation so that you can all stay together.
I find it hard to understand picking your sister over your own son. That doesn't sit right with me. X

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 16:07

@jessica yes we tried relationship counseling. It helped a bit. Awful in a way as I thought I was happier but the counselor made me realize how much of a walk over I was being. Then we tried again but it was awful. D.P. just became very angry with me, it was after he’d been at his sisters. It’s like I was suddenly the cause of all problems and had become vilified. Counselor was shocked and said D.P. needed his own counseling.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 16:08

@strawberry he tried fixing it. Sister just upped the ante and then excluded me even more!

OP posts:
SarahET · 14/12/2018 16:13

It's never going to work for the two of you if he can't sort things with his family. He either has to get them to be civil or choose who is more important to him. I wouldn't expect him to attend events where you had specifically been excluded, that's very strange. You're a family, you come as a package.

HotSauceCommittee · 14/12/2018 16:14

DP went to his sister’s summer party when you were excluded instead of sticking up for you? Won’t make plans in advance with you and let you know his schedule? Christmas aside, this man is not your partner and you sound unhappy.
Is he worth sticking around for, in isolation, when you have a family who love you 200 miles away?

GreenTeacup · 14/12/2018 16:24

I would not normally advise someone leave their partner on MN OP but on this case I would seriously advise you to consider of this relationship is working.

For me this would be a deal breaker.

Alfie190 · 14/12/2018 16:26

I think you are being unreasonable.

Your SN is not your possession, you have no right to tell your DP that he cannot see his relatives.

Also why on earth would you not discuss options for what you would be doing for Christmas before making arrangements? To be honest if my DH announced he had booked tickets , I would probably make my own arrangements too and I would be concerned about the state of my marriage.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 14/12/2018 16:27

Op have you posted about this before. There was a thread where the sis were alienating ds from the parent by buying gifts and bitching about the op. The op was planning to leave to her family 200miles away.

RoboticMary · 14/12/2018 16:33

What a child. How dare he! I’d tell him could go for Christmas and not come back. He has responsibilities to your family unit which he obviously doesn’t take seriously.

RoboticMary · 14/12/2018 16:38

Your DH has some growing up to do. Seriously. He may well love his sister, but he has a wife and son now, and his loyalty should be with you. You may have problems as s couple, but that’s between you - he needs to stop talking about them to his sister, as them she only ever hears the bad and doesn’t get the full picture.

Flowers
Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 16:38

I can’t sort his family out for them. It really is up to them. I’ve done nothing wrong. DP walked out on me, which was pretty devastating at the time. He’s tried to talk to them.

There’s no way I could be at theirs for Christmas. That is clear. They do not want me there. That’s not my fault. I did not cause it. And I extended invites over the last 2 years.

His family surely cannot be the deciding factor as to whether DP spends it with me and DS. If our relationship depends on them liking me then it is over.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 14/12/2018 16:38

Go home and build a support network there. You need to be with people who have your back.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 14/12/2018 16:42

** Op I think I recognise you from your previous thread. I thought you were going to get away?

They werent at his last year. She didn't discuss it. Just booked the tickets.

Op has already described the set up she has re travel. Regardless, she isn't invited to her ILs. She's not just saying 'nah i don't fancy it'. Op is being actively pushed out of the family by people that blank her in the street and refuse to engage with her. So why should Ops family miss out on their year with Op and her DS just because her ILs were acting like twats last year? ILs forfeited 'their' Christmas, and her 'D'P is choosing to spend Christmas with his sisters who actively exclude OP, rather than with his partner and his child.

No, Op doesn't own her DS but it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't want him around toxic people that actively exclude and bad mouth her if her Dp can't be trusted to defend her and deal with it appropriately. Parental alienation by toxic family members is a massive issue and her 'D'H is facilitating it by being a child/completely ineffective partner and father and not standing up to his family. If they split and he takes him on his contact time there's very little she can do about it, but right now she can. All Op seems to be saying is that they don't get to play happy families and slag her off around her child unless she's there to defend herself which doesn't around horribly unreasonable to me.

Op, really, what are you getting from this relationship? Why are you still in it?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 16:45

@alfie I have no problems limiting access to DS by his sister. None at all. DP does see his sister, but no longer with DS. Why? Because she openly undermines and alienates my son from me. She uses it to get st me. I still say she’s welcome to visit me and DS. If she can get over her hatred of me, fine, otherwise, my son’s wellbeing is too important to me. I’m happy to defend that position to anyone.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 14/12/2018 16:46

I suppose the situation is that you two have just muddled along with things for the past couple of years. It's just Christmas comes along and kind of forces people to nail their colours to the mast in terms of where they really want to be.
200 miles is not that far especially by train, your partner could easily come up for at least 1 night or 2.
So go home and enjoy your Christmas with your family, and have a think about it and where you would like to be in a year's time.
Your DP sounds difficult and controlling. Esp about the train tickets, having to buy his own etc.

kateandme · 14/12/2018 16:48

this seems like there are too many hurdles to jump.and you've tried.it really does seem like you've tried.i don't like to tell people to leave as we cant know enough of the relationship for that advice to be given without consequences. but its really really does seem like nyou are desperately unhappy.and so tired. eshausted of trying and this not working.
and it also sounds like you would really want and need to be closer to your family and build a life with them? that's also telling that your not getting what your supposed to frm this current "family" set up.
and the fact we are all wondering how this has happened?that its off? just goes to show that the communication break down here is massive.
id spend this chrismtas with family getting some love.some comfort and maybe a bit of going voer with someone over what shouls happen next.you cant keep doing this to yourself and your son.holding onto amarriage is brilliant.and trying to work through your issues.but your just seem spent. really have some thinking on this.and then TALK to your dp and tell him where you are,what needs to change and allow him to do it also.if your not happy it might be time to think where your future is.
im sorry this is happening this time of year.its tough.but Is it going to change?if not then just go and be held with your family.they love you.thats what you need.