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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 14/12/2018 23:43

Of course he will just spend more time with his family then.
Take a break, clear your head and come back ready to have a make or break talk. Can you all move a bit further from his family?
Tell him how you feel, what you want and expect

Missingstreetlife · 14/12/2018 23:44

Still a week to go if you want to try and resolve it

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2018 23:52

No I cannot see dh spending Christmas away from me or DC, he would rather spend time with his sister Christmas,than his son. Says it all really. He's already checked out.

Weenurse · 14/12/2018 23:59

Good luck

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 15/12/2018 00:03

I think I’d rather he have ended it with me than do this. I think he just wants me to leave.

OP posts:
flowerpott · 15/12/2018 00:15

It's really not all about him and what he wants, it's about you and your son and what is best for both of you. He doesn't get to decide it all. Get some space over Christmas and work out what you want to happen.

IAmNotAWitch · 15/12/2018 00:42

So give him what he wants. Leave him. Go home to your family and don't come back.

With your DS does he go to school? Is there suitable schools/support to be accessed for him near your family?

Can you stay with your family while you sort out the details?

It is pretty clear he doesn't give a damn about you.

kateandme · 15/12/2018 03:34

go for this then.be with people who love you.see If taking him out the situation actually make you and ds better.you said he already lost out and is confused by it.then start putting him first.comfused with pecial needs is not helpful for him and he must feel terrible.time to decide what he needs.
your both not in this anymore.right wrong who knows who is who.you both feel the way you do.but together ryou aren't working on it anymore.but there is someone innocent still here.your son.he needs a choice.and soon if this heaviness and separation but not separated keeps happening and the atmosphere andnot know whether he is coming or going then he will suffer greatly.more than now.and that is something you can so easily fix in a young child.especailly one so vunerable already.they need guidance and love and warmth an to feel safe.
because also whether in this you've done wrong too that doesn't negate the fact his dad should have talked to you and disucussed how to make the sons chrismtas ok.even if youd booked the tickets not discussed it as a dad he should then be saying but what about me being with my son etc etc.
are there places near you parents to live well.school.housing etc.
id tell you dh whats going on.tell him your going to spend this new year thinking over where you futures are.and that he should too.what you are and aren't willing to do anymore and put up with.and your making something better for you son now. don't just come home in the new year him thinking you've been away and it will just continue.it cant.

emilywillis010 · 15/12/2018 04:03

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Frustratedmum78 · 15/12/2018 04:58
Hmm
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2018 05:29

I’ve reported the spam.

Having commented on other threads of yours I think you’re making the right decision. You’ve tried desparately hard with your dp and his family. I cannot get my head around people being so cruel to a mother caring for her ds with additional needs. It simply isn’t possible to invest in them all and your ds.

MerdedeBrexit · 15/12/2018 05:59

I think you're right, I'm afraid, PinaColada, I think he is doing everything in his power to force you to leave, short of saying it himself, so he doesn't look like the "bad guy" in it all. I also think that once you leave, you are going to have to face the fact that you are the only one your lovely son will be able to depend on. I doubt you will get any support (emotional, physical or financial) at all from your son's father, from what you've said. I have a feeling you might do better without expecting your partner to be there for you and your son and knowing you can only count on yourself (and possibly your own family sometimes?).
Good luck, I am sure you will do better without your partner and his family upsetting you.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 15/12/2018 06:50

OP I remember your previous thread well. Your DP is deeply uncaring of you, and by extension your son together. I strongly advise you to make plans to move closer to your family. Please don't sacrifice your happiness any longer by staying in this poisonous atmosphere. You're being bullied by your DP's family and your DP is complicit. Horrible stuff.

StoneofDestiny · 15/12/2018 07:02

He's left you and your son already in the way that matters. Move back to be near those who love and care for you. You are being belittled and bullied by this odious family. 2019 - make it your year!

jakesmommy · 15/12/2018 07:20

Makes me wonder if his family treated his first partner the same as they treat you, he doesn't seem commited to you or his son at all

rainbowstardrops · 15/12/2018 08:14

I am no contact with my husband's side of the family as they treated me and my children in a very similar way that yours have but if my husband chose to spend Christmas Day with his sister instead of his own child then I'd kick his sorry arse out the door!
I think it's time you moved closer to your family and let him live happily ever after with his sister.
You'll be so much happier I'm sure 

Chloe84 · 15/12/2018 08:38

his sister seemed like she was almost waiting for a chance to reclaim her brother, and turn me into the scapegoat. DP not sticking up for me by going to the summer event does fuel it though.

Interesting though as it occurred to me that of the reasons his family still don’t talk to me, is if they had to admit that I was human, that I’d not been in any way a cause of all this animosity, then they’d have to acknowledge they’ve been horrible. People are at their worst I think when they’ve done wrong and won’t admit it.

You're very wise and self-aware OP. I hope 2019 brings you peace and happiness - without stbx. Flowers

The fact that his sister wanted her nephew with SEN to leave his home rather than a grown man just says it all.

And I wouodn't be surprised if stbx is still bitching to them about you.

In what ways was he controlling?

ThanosSavedMe · 15/12/2018 08:51

Why does he get to make the decision op? You can decide to end the relationship, it’s not all about what he wants.

I hope you have a good Christmas and new year with your family and friends.

Fuck him and his family, they don’t deserve you.

Ellapaella · 15/12/2018 09:10

Reading through this thread you've made the right choice OP.
I don't think it matters if you gave him a choice re. Christmas, most couples with children wouldn't even consider spending the day separately, he's a grown man and Christmas is about giving his child a special day not a grown man running home to Mummy and leaving his partner and child to get on with their own arrangements.
It doesn't sound like a 'real' relationship if that makes sense. You don't sound like a very united family. His behaviour is appalling in allowing his sisters to continue to make you feel unwelcome and forcing him to choose between you.
He basically sounds like a bit of a wimp, selfish and unsupportive. You can do better. I imagine once you've checked out of this relationship you'll feel a huge sense of relief that you don't have to feel so much resentment over the whole sorry affair. Good luck.

CrazyOldBagLady · 15/12/2018 09:17

Hi OP I don't usually comment on threads like this, but the tone of your posting is so sad and hopeless, it really touched me.

Your DP sounds like a coward. He has checked out but can't bring himself to end it. He's obviously spent the time away poisoning his family about you and he can't undo that now. Instead of standing up for you he just slinks back and forth allowing you to feel upset and unimportant. It sounds like a lonely life for you and he's allowing you to be treated unjustly. For what it's worth I see why you wouldn't want your son spending time with these people.

I'm sure he won't go to your family, how would he explain to your parents why his family hate you so much? It's all his doing.

It sounds like you have tried your very hardest to reconcile and that's to your credit. It might be time to start planning on how you can have a happier life without him. Best of luck.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2018 09:32

When we went to stay with his sister for 2 months, I would wonder what he was saying about you, and what he continues to say to them about you. He has definitely checked out of your relationship, rather spending Christmas, one of the biggest days of the year, with his sister and not his ds or you. Speaks volumes really.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 15/12/2018 13:14

I’ve already explained it all to my family. After the summer event, which really shook me, I told them all. They’ve been so great. They came to visit me recently and were very gracious to DP. It was a relief to get it out.

His sister and mother are still very angry that I was even ‘allowed’ to stay in the house with sen child. Who I’ve had to give up work for. Apparently it’s DPs sole house that he’s worked hard for. I’m concerned that they see me as surplus to my son actually, I could see them suggesting DS stays in the house too, and they’d ‘help’, thank goodness DP recognizes my role as mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada1 · 15/12/2018 13:20

@jakesmummy they treat his first wife with more respect, however his sister especially bitches about her all the time behind her back. They think her family are awful too. His sister told me she is distant from DPs oldest, as she didn’t like going around as his mother was there. The step son has very little to do with them. Although he went to the summer event.

OP posts: