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EX expects me to pay for visits and missed maintenance?

(18 Posts)
PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 13:28:13

I don't usually post on this board, but I'm fed up!

I moved town with our young daughter 12 years ago. I needed to move for many reasons, financially and family support.

However I must have felt guilty as I did everything I could to keep up our daughters relationship with her father. I don't drive but I took our daughter regularly on the train, a round trip of 6 hours twice in a weekend. I struggled with this, had little social life and gave up working full-time to be around more for our daughter.

I did this for years. I told EX that I didn't think it was reasonable to do ALL the trips, and rarely, he would come to mine and I'd give him the house for the weekend. I reduced the amount in the last couple of years, because I just couldn't keep them up and our daughter didn't like it.

Through all this time I only ever heard complaints from EX, that I was awful for moving, that it was never enough. He'd constantly ask our daughter when the next visit was (even though it was given in advance) and then say it was too long until he next saw her. When once I said to our daughter that her Dad was welcome to come to visit her anytime, Ex went mad at me, saying how could I tell her something that was impossible as he had no money.

This year has been worse. I thought it would get better as our daughter is old enough to go herself. Yet he cancelled one with less than a days notice, then said he'd like to come to see her instead, then didn't, then blamed me for not giving him enough over the summer. She was with him for two different times totally 3 weeks.

He then missed a maintenance payment last month with absolutely no explanation. I don't contact him anymore as all he does it complain and get at me and honestly it just gets me down. He takes no interest in what I do to parent her, e.g. Problems at school etc, so I feel totally on my own parent wise.

I'm so sick of it I am going to stop paying for any of the visits anymore. He can plan, book and pay for them, as long as he gives me and daughter a couple of weeks notice. AIBU?

SexTrainGlue Sun 30-Oct-16 13:31:42

Yes, YABU,

The parent who moves away should cover the costs/admin for the Dc's contact with their other parent.

But YANBU to see payment of maintenance as unrelated as DC are not 'pay per view'.

So he should pay promptly and in full, but you should continue to pay for the travel costs for your DD to see her DF.

Roseformeplease Sun 30-Oct-16 13:39:55

Hold on a minute.

You moved so you could provide for your daughter. Do everything you can to help him parent her. He still complains.


Give him clear dates when he can see her. Facilitate those by making her available. But, leave the rest up to him.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 13:41:30

He has no intention of paying the missed maintenance.

BantyCustards Sun 30-Oct-16 13:44:58

SexTrain - that's a pretty black and white view.

I had to move 45 minutes away. I had little choice. Single mother on benefits = nightmare finding a roof over your head. 45 minutes was the best I could do and no, I absolutely am not covering 100% of the travelling costs: I'm a DV survivor who had no choice but to move because we were not married and he saw fit to make us homeless. TBH I think I'm the bigger person for being willing to cover half the traveling costs.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 13:44:58

Thanks Rose. I do struggle with that. I feel like I've often paid and spent money and energy on the father daughter relationship, which has taken away from the time and energy that I have to be our daughters main parent.

This year I've paid for two quite expensive school and sport trips. Daughter is having a hard time with friends, schoolwork, exams and misusing social media. All of which fall on me as Ex is only concerned that they have fun, and he doesn't have to pay.

Ratbagcatbag Sun 30-Oct-16 13:50:14

Sod that for a game of soldiers. If he'd been appreciative of the situation (and I don't mean grovelling, just thanks for bringing her etc) then fair enough but unless you have a court order in place where you have to do the drop offs I'd just stop it all completely.
He can arrange with you when he can make it.
With regards to missed maintenance, can you go to child maintenance options and get it formalised?

SexTrainGlue Sun 30-Oct-16 13:52:20

OP did not mention any exceptional circumstances for moving her DD 3 hours away from her DF. Her DD has a right to a relationship with her DF.

If her XH had been the one to move, I would say the same to him, that he covers his costs entirely and always.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 14:07:07

It is the constant complaining that has got to me. It's been so long, over 12 years and it hasn't stopped at all. Sometimes it just feels like he is going to abuse me my whole life over this.

I've started to want to put my daughter first, and just be the best parent that I can be to her. I don't regret working part-time as it was good to just be around after school. However I have put myself into debt to just keep everything going.

Moving, obviously yes it would have been better if we lived in the same town. Believe me, I took that decision very seriously. For me it was exceptional circumstances, but that is obviously a matter of opinion. I simply could not afford to be paying the mortgage, juggling my stressful job and everything where we were. The schools were absolutely awful. It was a rough, bad area. I was really struggling to parent as my Ex would not step in if needed. My parent developed a serious illness which I wanted to be around to help.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 14:09:48

P.s. There isn't a court order for anything. I've thought about formalizing maintenance but tbh my heart just sinks thinking of how awful he will be to me over it. I do quite a lot just to have a bit of peace. And our daughter only has a few years until she's 18 so I just wonder if it's worth the hassle.

ThatStewie Sun 30-Oct-16 14:10:29

You've done more than enough over the past 12 years. He needs to step up now and take some responsibility for his relationship with his daughter.

ThatStewie Sun 30-Oct-16 14:16:21

I'd use the CMS. He's doing this to control and punish you.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 15:30:57

Thanks thatstewie. I've always encouraged and facilitated a relationship between them. It's not about stopping visits, I just want to stop paying for them.

Even if I stopped paying for it now I would still have contributed 90% over my daughter's lifetime.

Starlight2345 Sun 30-Oct-16 16:21:20

It sounds like it is all part of game play still..

I would go to CMS and tell him you are happy for him to have contact but he now needs to make the arrangements.It is worth the hasstle simply to stop any conversations about money you can ignore or refer back to CMS. He legally then can't skip a month...Unless he is self employed then I would be dubious.

There is no court order in place to make you do all the travelling..So not only are you out of pocket for travel but also no maintenance.

PinaColada1 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:41:15

He is self employed, and has skipped payments in the past. But then at least he was apologetic and said it was because of lack of work. Maybe I'm a mug but I just accepted it.

TimetohittheroadJack Tue 01-Nov-16 13:24:07

Does your daughter want to go and see him? If she is not bothered I'd contact CMS and stop answering any his messages. he can contact her directly ( I'd assume she has a mobile). lose the guilt that you moved, if he can't be arsed making the effort to see her, that's his decision. My arse he can't afford it.

PinaColada1 Tue 01-Nov-16 23:13:33

She does want to see him, but it's complicated as she's been on at me before to pay for more visits, then later admitted it was her Dad who put the pressure on.

He's just taken her on a very expensive half term holiday. I'm just feeling wrung out by the constant having a go at me. I've paid for everything up until now but it's never enough. I'm done with it now.

TimetohittheroadJack Wed 02-Nov-16 09:26:03

just block his number . I assume your daughter is 14/15. He can phone /Skype/FaceTime her directly and he can arrange her tickets. Don't allow him to have a go at you or abuse him, he's done it for far too long. Take away his power by refusing to deal with him. If he wants a relationship with his daughter it's up to him to facilitate it.

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