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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/12/2018 14:35

Do you think he's expecting to come back after Christmas and carry on as before, or do you think that this is him trying to make you end the relationship so that he gets to play the victim?

I don't think this is something you can come back from, to be honest. It will always hang over your relationship that he had a free choice and he didn't choose you or your child. BTW, what has he told your child about this?

Birdsgottafly · 14/12/2018 14:37

Why did you block contact with your child?

Was it your Mum's or nothing, was he given the option of you all being at home?

Have you tried to sort things out with his Sister? Have you done anything that they won't forgive you for?

IamSusan · 14/12/2018 14:41

that's horrible. Unless someone is very ill and he is trying not to spoil your own Christmas by dragging you there, it's completely unacceptable.

That would be a time to rethink your entire relationship and decide where you go from there. It's not normal not to see your partner at Christmas, but even worst when you abandon your child! (not talking about working parents, talking about the context of the OP and nothing else)

advent12 · 14/12/2018 14:45

This reply has been deleted

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Sarahjconnor · 14/12/2018 14:45

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Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 14:48

Thanks everyone. It’s a wake up call for me.

I didn’t discuss it, although we’ve always spent Christmas alternate years with my family so I assumed he’d be thinking the same. I didn’t bring it up as we were still fragile, and I guess I wanted him to want to be with me, rather than me having to ask him.

He won’t see his older son over Christmas, his mum always has him. We see him all year around anyway as he lives very near. So it isn’t that.

I don’t want to plead or fight with him. I just asked him if he knew what he wanted to do. He said yes. I asked what and he said stay here to go his mums (he couldn’t even say his sister, as he knew how awful she is about me and he agrees she’s out of order, but it’s his sisters.)

OP posts:
UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/12/2018 14:48

So basically he’s got a blot home which he uses to manipulate you.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 14:51

No one is ill. There is no special reason. Part of me wonders if he’s applying the same logic to me - his family do not welcome me - so he won’t go to mine either? Yet my family have not ostracised him at all.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 14:52

When is the last time he spent Xmas with his family? Could it simply be that, that his sister put him up when he needed it, and he wants to spend the day with them as he hasn't for awhile?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 14:53

Also, sorry to keep adding. We’d finally started getting much closer recently, had been going out, getting on well, he’d started to tell me he loved me again. I’d been wary so had held back. So this is a double shock.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 14:53

Op, have you asked him why?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 14:56

He spends every alternate year with his family. Yet not when he was married to his Ex which was 13 years! So it’s not like this is set on stone. I used to go with him every other year. Last year he went Boxing Day instead as they did not welcome me. I said anyone of them were welcome at our house last year, and did not see my family but stayed here, as they are very near, but none of them came.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/12/2018 14:58

So you assumed you where going to your family. He assumed you where going to his.

This is what happens when people don’t open their mouths and talk!

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 14:59

So basically it's the year he would normally spend it with his family and because of the falling out between you and his sister you think he should come to your family instead?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:01

No I haven’t asked him why.

I’m in two minds. I don’t want to try and change his mind. If he wanted to be with me he’d say. If he wanted to discuss it, he would have.

That’s why I asked him if he knew what he was doing? I guess I expected him to at the least say - with you or to say, I’m not sure. To be open ended. Instead he said that he did know what he was doing. He obviously thinks this is something he doesn’t have to include me in.

Since he left 2 years ago, when I’d fought for our relationship, I’ve now needed to see from him what he wants. The fight isn’t in me anymore.

OP posts:
AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 14/12/2018 15:01

Firstly you are unreasonable blocking his family seeing your (plural) son without you. If you split up he can take your(plural) child to them anytime he likes and you cannot legally stop it.

Secondly have you had a fight or other disagreement with his sisters' or your MIL? Even if you haven't have you been a mature grown up and attempted to be civil to them to ensure both your DP and your (plural) son feels welcome in their houses? I guess you haven't. I have family I don't get on with but due to my parents dying when I was in my early 20s we have all managed to stay civil to one another to most importantly ensure the younger generation can have relationships with one another without us.

Juells · 14/12/2018 15:02

Hmmnnnn... your further posts make it seem a bit less drastic. You asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he wanted to stay at home and go to his Mum's. That'd sound a bit more attractive to me than travelling 200 miles to stay with in-laws. Couldn't you stay at home as well?

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:04

Honestly your relationship isn't going well if you can't ask him and also didn't suggest an alternate like just you guys. And did you even invite him to your family? Just ask him what he wanted to do?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:04

No he didn’t assume I was going to his. I told him ages ago I’d booked the train to my family and told him the dates. He knows that’s where I’d want him to be and where we always go together. We’ve spent alternate years at my families for the last 10 years.

He knows I cannot go to his family. He knows his sister is awful about me and recently specifically did not invite me to a big event.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/12/2018 15:05

You told him.

Where you want be.

Can you not see the possible issue there?

Seaweed42 · 14/12/2018 15:06

Why do you both still go to alternative families on Christmas Day anyway? Why don't you just stay at home in your own house?
It sounds like you decided to go to your family before asking him what he wanted to do.
At that point he didn't really have a choice and it wasn't open for discussion, was it. You already decided you and his son were going to your parents, full stop, no discussion with him. That was set in stone.
The only choice he had then was to decide was he going along with what you are doing. Or stay at home on his own. Or go to the sister.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:08

@bluntness and Juells I spent last year at home with him. I didn’t really want to tbh. His sister had been bitching about me but I stayed and invited them all for Christmas. They did not come and have ignored me all year.

He knows he’s always welcome at my families.

I agree with previous posters. I don’t think I want to be with a man who’d rather forgo Christmas with his 7 year old son just because it’s also with (my very lovely welcoming) in-laws - and would spend it with sisters who for no good reason slag off the mother or your child and exclude her.

OP posts:
Juells · 14/12/2018 15:11

It just seems odd that you haven't even discussed it with him, and said that it's upsetting for you. He may think you're fine with this arrangement.

loubluee · 14/12/2018 15:11

So you booked a ticket and told him when you were going? So you told him you were going to your family but hadn’t discussed it? Am I reading that right? If so then there’s your problem!

user139328237 · 14/12/2018 15:12

Am I the only one who would presume if my partner bought train tickets to go somewhere for Xmas and there wasn't a ticket bought for me that I wasn't welcome wherever they were going?