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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/12/2018 15:14

You two need to talk!
If my partner told me he'd booked train tickets home to his parents, I'd possibly assume that things were still rocky between us and I wasn't invited.
However if he'd said "I'm going up to parents on x date - shall I book us tickets?" I'd feel included and wanted.

Gazelda · 14/12/2018 15:14

X posted user!

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:15

No, I'm also finding this very odd, so you didn't discuss it's booked tickets for you and your kid then told him to decide what he wanted to do.

Can uou really not see an issue on your side?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:15

I’ve spent the last 10 years being nice to his family. Going to Christmas with them, visiting, doing favors.

I live near his family and not near mine. I’ve compromised a lot for our relationship. In terms of not being near my support networks.

Of course at first, the first few years, we talked about what we both wanted to do at Christmas. I said my family really wanted to have one all together every other year, how did he feel. He was fine. He does not make the effort really despite my family making a lot (e,g, my mum sends our step son presents etc I’ve bought him to my families a few times).

So no I didn’t ask him. And now I think I’ll be at my families every year, and seriously considering moving back with our child. It’s desperateky isolating here.

OP posts:
IamSusan · 14/12/2018 15:15

Am I the only one who would presume if my partner bought train tickets to go somewhere for Xmas and there wasn't a ticket bought for me that I wasn't welcome wherever they were going?

well, no

IamSusan · 14/12/2018 15:17

If you have made arrangements to take his child away from him at Christmas, you are very lucky he is not fighting that.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:19

Ok you sound really bitter and resentful, so I don't think I'm the only one who doesn't understand the whole we were getting close stuff, when you didn't even invite him, didn't discuss it, and booked tickets for you and your kid to go without him.

It seems like you're creating situations to then have a go at him about.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:21

You know why I didn’t book tickets? Because despite me being upfront every year we stay near his family, that I’ll be here, they are welcome etc, he always procrastinates. He often spends just a couple of days over Christmas with my family and then goes home. So he hates me buying tickets for him so I don’t. It always costs him a fortune as it’s so last minute! But I don’t make a fuss. I’ve sometimes been a bit sad he’s left me not knowing until late in the day, but I accept that’s just what he likes to do. He doesn’t like to discuss it tbh. And it just is a pattern now so we haven’t needed to discuss it.

Although it does sting that when he was married he never spent Christmas with his sisters or mum. I’m not sure why his second son gets less.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:22

Lucky he’s not fighting for his kid?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:23

Can I just say again.

He never ever likes me booking tickets for him.

He always books his own later. Just his thing.

OP posts:
SarahET · 14/12/2018 15:23

My husband and I also still alternate Christmas between his parents and mine. We like to see our families and wouldn't want to spend Christmas just at home - I can't imagine we're that unusual.

We also don't really discuss where we're going each year - only in the sense of which parents are we due at. I don't think OP has been unreasonable to assume that they'd go to her parents this year given they stayed at home last year to enable his family to visit.

OP I'm sorry you've been through such a rough time. Really does sound like you and your partner need to talk things out and for you to understand why he wants to spend Christmas with his family this year.

It's vital to improve relationships with his sisters so that they can be in a room with you and be civil for a couple of hours. You don't need to be friends but for your son and partner you do need that. Your partner needs to push that with his family if he's committed to your relationship.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:24

Op, really, there is a huge change in slant here, you've taken a decision because you're angry and resentful. He has elected to spend the day with his family following your actions. Neither of you can be blamed but to be honest, talking to him would have been better, especially if you thought you were getting closer.

Your actions woild have made anyone feel unwelcome and like there is still a problem.

Notacluethisxmas · 14/12/2018 15:25

The train ticket thing changes the situation.

ChristmasFlary · 14/12/2018 15:26

He doesn't want to be at home with his SN child as it's to hard a work. He'd rather be able to go to his sisters and get waited on with food and drink.

He has checked out of family life so don't beg him to stay.

Make 2019 a better year for you and your son

ollhe · 14/12/2018 15:27

Maybe he just doesn’t know this is such an issue for you (I’d be fuming too- but that’s because I value xmas as a holiday.) But not everyone is so mad about this time of year. Could he have not realised how much you really care about this?

You need to have a proper conversation where you tell him this is making you upset, he might find it easy to change his plans if he realises it’s important to you.

Sirzy · 14/12/2018 15:28

e doesn't want to be at home with his SN child as it's to hard a work.

He can’t be at home with his child as the mother has already made a decision to book tickets to go elsewhere without discussing it first!

Notacluethisxmas · 14/12/2018 15:29

You made plans without him first

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 15:32

He doesn't want to be at home with his SN child as it's to hard a work

This is just awful, reported, there is nothing to suggest a child with additional needs is hard work or that the father here doesn't wish to be with thr child. The op was the first to book to go away with thr child.

Fucking reported what an awful thing to write.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/12/2018 15:39

Well the OP didn't have too many options to be fair. She isn't welcome at the in-laws, last year at home was miserable and that only leaves her parents' house.

If the usually book travel separately then it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that she left him to book his own. I think she could have been more assertive, but maybe she feels that she is the one doing all the work/fighting to keep the relationship going and was hoping that just this once he would actively choose her?

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:41

I have good reasons for stopping contact with DS with SiL. They actually have no right over my child. They are being divisive and damaging. It was getting so that I was left in my own at weekends while DP took my son to his sisters without me, and she was paying him with gifts and bitching about me. I was quite worried that I was being alienated from my own son. He’s sen and pretty vulnerable to manipulation.

I tried to be civil and patch it up over a year ago, just by extending invitations, sending cards for Christmas birthdays etc. I got totally ignored. Even his own mother ignored me in the street. D.P. tried to talk to his mum, which resulted in his sister going mad that he’d dared to criticize or say they were ignoring me - and immediately after she held a huge family get together in the summer, inviting every single member of the family, including DS, but specifically told D.P. that I was not allowed to come.

I just broke down at that point. Wanted to leave D.P. I just have been finding it so difficult to be bringing up our kid with no support, he’s hard, hard work and I provide most of his therapies and care. I’ve never once been offered support from his family even when they were speaking to me. However I never complained.

Believe me there’s no back story where I’ve done anything. I’ve not argued with them ever. Never said anything bad. At all.

I’m in quite a low place really.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 14/12/2018 15:41

But he didn't spend last Christmas with his family, did he? You all spent it together in your own home. Then he saw his DSIS on Boxing Day. I'm not sure how he was meant to guess that after having Christmas at home for one year, the next year would be at your DM's rather than with his DM.

If he chose his DM and DSIS over you and your DS, I could see why you're annoyed but, tbh, this seems more complicated than that. You both assumed what would happen but reached different conclusions.

WhoWants2Know · 14/12/2018 15:42

OP did say that in her first post that things can be hard with her child's SN, so reporting a response based on that info seems OTT

combatbarbie · 14/12/2018 15:46

I'd cancel the return part of your ticket OP, he has made his feelings perfectly clear in terms of who and what is priority in his life.

Seriously, go home forever, back to your support network where you are actually wanted.......

SarahET · 14/12/2018 15:46

Conversation is the way forward before you call a day on everything. When you're feeling insecure in a relationship it can be scary but at least you'll know where you stand. I'd start with the assumption that he's not purposefully trying to upset you and hear what he has to say.

Original poster
PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 15:47

@dontdribble thanks that is how I feel. Believe me D.P. does his own travel. He would hate me to book tickets for him.

I have been assertive in the past and I think D.P. and his family took that as being bossy etc. so I’ve become passive. I don’t want to persuade him to come or be the one to say please spend Christmas with us.

Even so it was only me who bought up Christmas in hte first place. Once when I said I’d booked tickets. And recently when I asked him what he wanted to do. I’d hoped he’d have come to me to explain or discuss. As then it’s not on me. I’m tired of being the one trying to save the relationship by discussing future plans. In fact I’m scared to discuss them, it just ends up with me pushing for our future and feeling it’s just me that wants it.

OP posts: