DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

[PinaColada1]

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

I agree with @ItWEntDownMyHeartHole. Go home and be with your family for good. You are in a terrible position with his awful family. Your partner doesn't deserve you. He's lazy and immature and selfish and just bloody horrible.

@seaweed this is true, DP has nailed his colours to the mast for all to see.

@kate I think I’m spent. If truth be known I put everything into my son. It’s working he’s blossoming and overcoming so many hurdles I’m so proud. He’s actually just got the concept of Christmas too, which is something I wasn’t sure would ever, ever happen. I’m really overjoyed.

DP does acknowledge this, and tries to tell his family what a good mum I am to their nephew/grandson but they don’t want to hear it. But I’ve tried everything with DP and with his family. They are pretty insular and stick to their own.

Its blindingly obvious that this relationship has run its course.

I think it has. I was feeling positive recently, as we’d overcome quite a bit, it was feeling good with DP, he no longer had his sister keep calling about seeing DS, his family were not changed but we had our own space to just be us. I had begun to feel like a happy functioning family.

I guess I’d ignored the spectre of his sister etc so when DP said he was going to hers I genuinely felt shocked. I didn’t see it coming.

There seems to be a real communication problem between you and DP, OP. You both make plans and decisions without any discussion, you both make assumptions about what is going to happen and then get aggrieved when the other has made different assumptions, you can't talk to one another about what you really want and you seem unable to communicate enough to try and find a way through the mess you're in.

In some ways, I think the business with his sister is a bit of a sideshow to the bigger problem. If you were able to communicate better, I don't think his sister's poison dripping would work the way it has. Also, it's easy to blame her, when you don't know what he's said to her about you.

I agree with a PP that he seems to have checked out of the relationship. Whether it's salvageable or not depends on whether you can both start talking frankly and without slagging each other off or blaming each other.

And whether you lstill ove each other, too.

im so happy for you and your son.that great for him.shows your brilliant parenting too to get him to understand this.but that even more why as parents you should be a team and him doing anything and everything to make this Christmas for your son.disgusing where you will be as a family.being together.not choosing his sis over his son.
there will be more like this too.how many more events.get togethers bithdays.dinners will he have to choose you both of sis.or not.
I don't know how this hasn't effected you ds either.and how long it will be before it effects him not being put before dp family.

I don’t think his sisters is a sideshow. I do agree it would be good to communicate better, in general, however this is not a problem of assumptions.

DP knew this was quite a big change, he was very quiet when he told me about where he would spend Christmas. He said ‘I’m sorry’. He knew what this means. He knows this is quite a big statement from him about us.

@kate That’s the tradgedy. DS loses out. He’s already lost out with all the animosity, it confused him a lot.

I don't know op, but what I can see here is you are adamant you've done nothing wrong at any stage and it's your husband, his sister and his mother, they all bully you and your husband is weak and goes along with it, but he is also uncaring, obstinate, a lazy parent etc etc

This could be the truth and if it is, I don't know what your fighting for, or it could be you're playing the victim and they would paint a very different story if they posted,

None of us know, but I can say one thing. A relationship breakdown and in the wider circle like this, is seldom as one sided as you are painting this is. If it is one sided, then I think you need to ask yourself why you're trying to save this marriage when it's this bad.

The counsellor was "shocked"? That's not right at all. Was she/he properly qualified and registered? A counsellor should not, under any circumstances, be displaying "shock" to their clients about anything which is disclosed to them in the room.

That aside, I'd be wondering what it is your DP has been telling his sister around the time he was living with her as, whatever it is, I think that's why she dislikes you so much. Seems like your Dp is playing one off against the other here. I wouldn't be trusting him at all.

So he'd rather spend Christmas with his sister than his son? Dad of the year award for him

I’m sorry but if my dh chose Christmas with is sister and Mother, over spending Christmas with me and our dc, then I would know that our marriage was over.

I would take time whilst at home with your DM, to look at rental places as well as schools, childcare and possible transfer or new job to support you both. As a Mother with two children with autism, I know that the phrase ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ comes into play in a huge way!

You are isolated, in a sense trapped living with a man who has deliberately turned his family against you, in order to leave you with ZERO support unity! I have read your previous threads and I was and still am appalled by the way your dp has deliberately turned his family against you and has done NOTHING to rectify that situation!

You did nothing wrong! He opted out of family life, then turned his sister completely against you by dripping pure poison into her ear! It is all far too convenient for my liking! Is there any chance he will actually be spending Christmas with an ow and keeping you and his sister apart is a great cover for where he is actually going?

Either way, I think you and your ds deserve better! You are not at the moment a divorced parent who gets access at Christmas every other year- but that is how your dp is treating you! I would not be surprised if another woman is hiding somewhere!

@claireelizabeth he definitely gave his sister license to be mean by moving in and saying goodness knows. However, I do believe that he’s tried to rectify it, but his sister seemed like she was almost waiting for a chance to reclaim her brother, and turn me into the scapegoat. DP not sticking up for me by going to the summer event does fuel it though.

@bluntness I don’t think anything I say will alter your view, you seem adamant I’m playing miss victim. That his family can’t be that mean. Believe there’s a backstory where I’m a witch if it pleases you.

Interesting though as it occurred to me that of the reasons his family still don’t talk to me, is if they had to admit that I was human, that I’d not been in any way a cause of all this animosity, then they’d have to acknowledge they’ve been horrible. People are at their worst I think when they’ve done wrong and won’t admit it.

@claire I think he’s now been seen as the good guy by his family, so won’t be having OW. However I do realize he’s invested in looking single, not having my back, having his families good will over mine or his sons even.

So I think I’ve been given a pretty clear message.

If my dh went to an event, knowing I wasn't invited, I'd know he didn't give a shit about me.

Sorry he does not have your back! His actions speak louder than words, new year new start op!

Op our situations are eerily similar, except that my DC's are not sen. I could have written your post. No advice as I can't even solve my own situation but wanted you to know you are not alone.

Do his family actually know that you are properly back together? Or is he playing the single card?

Did he ever tell you what he said about you to make them hate you as much as they do? If he hasn’t then he hasn’t tried to rectify it. If he truly loved you, he would sit them down,(should be in front of you) explain that he was in a bad place and manufacturing bullshit (to get their support in abandoning his wife and child!) and tell them that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and that there is no justification in their vitriol towards you! If he truly loved you, he would tell them to get a grip and either accept you and treat you with kindness or fuck off and have nothing to do with either of you.

He doesn’t want them to know that he manipulated and lied to them, so it’s easier to portray you as the abusive/manipulating/ psychotic partner that he made them think you are. I bet he said you isolated him from his friends and family and implied/ if not said you were emotionally if not verbally/ physically abusive. It sounds very much like projection! You were isolated from your friends and family and he even turned his own family against you to stop you from having any support from him.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I suspect that your hopefully stbx is abusive. Have a look at the five abusers profiles (extracted from Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that) here

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

I think it’s too convenient for this all to be his sister and Mothers fault!

Support from them, not him sorry

So sorry to hear this OP. Honestly, it sounds like he's well and truly checked out, and even if he hasn't, you definitely should.

Everybody here has a responsibility to your son, though it sounds like his whole family couldn't care less what's best for him. They sound like a nightmare to me - very immature, especially your 'D'P, who isn't a partner to you at all.

What kind of family excludes a long term partner from Christmas?! What kind of partner/father allows that to happen to the mother of his child?! What kind of adult in a committed relationship - WITH A CHILD - opts to spend xmas with his mum/sister without partner and child?! It's just awful.

Go home to your family, take some time to yourself, enjoy Christmas with your son (consider yourself lucky you aren't with the crazy ILs) and work out whether you want/need this man child in your life.

@fairport if our situations are similar. I’m really sorry, how is it for you?

@claire Aeroflot and maelstrop thanks. I did ask what it they disliked me so much for. He said it was partly because sister was very angry that he’d left the house, and not me, for 2 months. It’s his house apparently. And that I’d affected his relationship with his older son. Who doesn’t really like them to be honest. DP said he’d told them that wasn’t true, and that he wanted to leave that’s why he left the house and not me.

DP has a controlling side, but also a really good side. After he went to his sisters he started to say things like I needed counseling, that I was controlling. When I asked him how or why he could not come up with an answer. I think him and his sister did seem to pursue this notion of me having problems and being just awful to be with.

The reason he left in the firs place? I asked him not to do something with DS that was bad for him. And yet he leaves all the care of DS and all the appointments etc to me so he now admits this was silly of him, as I’m the one who knows what DS can and can’t have etc as I’m given that job.

@flowerpot thanks. Just to have kind words really helps. It’s like I’ve been made the crazy one and at times it’s hard to think clearly. Especially as frankly being a mum to my kid, however lovely he is, is pretty isolating and stressful as it is. The horrible thing is they all say they ‘love DS’ and ‘DP is a good man’ and yet I feel by being so divisive they’ve damaged DS.

I don't think he's controlling, I think he's just not really committed to you, he's lukewarm. He can't bear the thought of committing himself to spending x number of days with your family in previous years, instead he has to leave it to the last minute to let everyone know when he will be gracing you with his presence. This year he can't even bring himself to do that. He's choosing to spend Christmas away from his son and partner - why? Did he give you any reason why he has to be at his mum's/sister's?
It's a shame when, as you say, you've felt that things had been improving between you. Could you sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart? Say that you need - and deserve - someone to be whole-heartedly with you and your son. If he can't be completely 'in' the relationship, then it doesn't have a future, it will just limp on, causing you a lot of pain.

First and foremost as a husband or long time DP I would not spend Christmas day apart under any circumstances. We either spend the day at home or we visit relatives together.

I’m just going to check out of the relationship. Everything you say makes sense @biscuit. It’s lukewarm. He couldn’t even tell me sooner t this is what he’s doing. It’s always been me bringing stuff up, asking for talks, setting up counseling, fighting for us. Occasionally I’ve just given up and he’s then made a big gesture.

I’m not going to pursue him. I’m leaving in a few days and going to spend longer at my families to give me time. I had turned down a cottage for new year with friends, but I’ve changed this now and I’m going to stay with old friends and take long walks etc. Plan the new year without him.