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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is spending Christmas at his sisters without me or his son

176 replies

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:55

Apologies I know there’s another thread with a slightly different DP problem. I’m just unexpectedly very depressed about this.

DP is going to spend Christmas at his sisters house, with both his sisters and his Mum. They live around the corner. His sisters dislike me and won’t visit the house, so obviously I’m not invited.

I’m going 200 miles to stay with my family, who are very nice to DP and would welcome him. I’m really gutted he’s not going.

We have a 7 year old child with special needs. He has one older son who will spend Christmas with his mum.

We’ve had a rocky couple of years. I think DP got stressed, it’s hard with Sen child, anyway he wanted to leave so spent 2 months at his sisters, 2 years ago. Since then, it’s like they switched from being nice to me, to bitching about me to DP - long past the time he’d moved back in. I understand people get riled up, but I’d done nothing wrong, and it’s 2 years ago.

We now never see them. They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

Me and DP we’re finally getting on well, away from the stirring, but now he’s told me he’s spending Christmas with his sister I feel I misjudged his loyalties. It’s not my fault they are horrible to me, so I feel he shouldn’t be choosing them and not me and his son. Aibu?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/12/2018 13:56

I would tell him he could stay there for good. He clearly doesn't see you and his own child as family. He's siding with people who are horrible to you. He isn't your friend - he's a really, really crap partner.

Tipsylizard · 14/12/2018 13:57

Has he explained why he has made this decision? Were you involved in a discussion about it?

Purpleartichoke · 14/12/2018 14:00

I would stop using DP to refer to him. Start focusing on being solo and figuring out how to do-parent, because partner’s don’t do that.

Neverunderfed · 14/12/2018 14:03

What is his reasoning?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 14:05

YANBU! Was this the only way he could spend christmas with his older son? Does he stick up for you against his sisters?

LagunaBubbles · 14/12/2018 14:06

I'm sorry but this is not the act of a loving and supportive partner and Dad.

lalalalyra · 14/12/2018 14:11

Did you arrange to go to your family before he made that decision or was he behind you all going away for Christmas?

Notacluethisxmas · 14/12/2018 14:12

They aren't the issue, he is.

He must have told them awful stuff about you for them to be like this 2 year's later. I do think you made a mistake saying they can't see you son unless you are there and this probably adds to their dislike.

But that will be just fuel to the fire that your Dp started

He is a dick to go there for Christmas. But surely he has to have a logic behind his thinking?

Is this because he didn't want to travel to your parents and stay there?

DeepanKrispanEven · 14/12/2018 14:14

I can't understand any father making a deliberate decision to spend Christmas away from his son. Ask him to explain how he thinks that's in any way acceptable.

Sparklesocks · 14/12/2018 14:15

Really thoughtless of him. Does he not want to spend Christmas with your son?! I am quite shocked he thinks that’s acceptable.

It can be tricky at times as a parent of SEN child, but that doesn’t mean you get to act however you like with no consequences.

DeepanKrispanEven · 14/12/2018 14:15

Sorry, I should clarify that relates to making a decision to spend time away from his son by choice, i.e. when there is no reason why he couldn't stay with him.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 14/12/2018 14:15

I'd be taking a leaf out of Dirty Den's book and giving him some divorce papers come Christmas day.

What an awful way to treat your child!

TooTrueToBeGood · 14/12/2018 14:17

My guess would be that in the time he spent at his sister's he told them all sorts of negative stuff about you to justify the fact that he had left you. They've bought into this hook line and sinker and now see you as the unreasonable bitch from hell. I doubt you can ever comeback from that in terms of rebuilding a relationship with his family. This certainly doesn't help paint you in a good light in their eyes:

They used to insist they saw DS with only DP but I stopped that, they can visit but they never do.

That's the one bit I'd call you out for being unreasonable from what you've told us. DS is not your property. He is DP's DS as well and you have effectively barred DS from having any sort of relationship with his father's family. "They can visit" doesn't cut it when it's clear your relationship with them has broken down.

Honestly, I think you're flogging a dead horse here. Your partner seems to have no regard for your feelings and if he'd rather spend christmas with his mum and sister than his supposed partner and his own child I would put and end to this farce of a relationship.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2018 14:18

Before judging can uou answer what has driven him to make this decision?

SassitudeandSparkle · 14/12/2018 14:18

Haven't you posted about this before, OP? The details seem familiar.

If he goes 200 miles away for Christmas he won't see his older son though so I expect that is a big factor in his decision. Have you told him you want him to come with you to your family?

However - if you are the poster I'm thinking of - it does seem fairly clear that your relationship isn't going the way you want it to, sorry to say. IIRC the trouble with your in-laws started when your DP stayed with them.

NonaGrey · 14/12/2018 14:21

He’s not spending Christmas with either of his Children? SadShock

user139328237 · 14/12/2018 14:21

Would he still be going to his sisters if you weren't 200 miles away?
Are you going for multiple days during which he could have contact with his elder son?

LadyPasserine · 14/12/2018 14:21

He is driving all of this.

Missingstreetlife · 14/12/2018 14:22

No frizzy, the other son is with his own mum, not grandma, if I read it correctly
This should have been sorted out weeks ago. Dh is cowardly and hasn't got your back. Ask him to stay home or come with you, if he won't have a lovely time with your family and consider your position in the new year. He's an idiot.

Missingstreetlife · 14/12/2018 14:26

Is your mil approachable, or is she in league with the sisters? Does she see you dc, could she say anything helpful, must be hard for her too.

Juells · 14/12/2018 14:28

Sounds like he complained non-stop about you while living there, so now they think you're A Very Bad Person. :( He isn't supporting you.

OliviaStabler · 14/12/2018 14:29

What started their dislike of you?

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 14/12/2018 14:29

This is just awful.
He is choosing his sister over his wife and child!!
If he was my DH he would be going to his sisters with his Crown Jewels in a nice shiny bag!
This man is NOT your partner. He obviously doesn’t view you as his or he wouldn’t contemplate not being with you and your joint child at Christmas.
Personally I would see if he goes through with it. And if he does he would be getting his bags packed by moi as a late Christmas gift.
He sounds utterly non supportive and I think you would be better off without him - maybe then you could consider moving so you are closer to your family?
Whatever happens I hope you and your son have a Happy Christmas.

Snowwontbelong · 14/12/2018 14:30

2019 the year you start a new life op.
He has checked out already.

Sirzy · 14/12/2018 14:32

This is one where I think really we need the other side of the story before making any judgement. I have a feeling there is probably a lot more than meets the eye!

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