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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour has ignored us for over a year

318 replies

Mk1234 · 14/12/2018 08:26

We moved in a year ago, next door to us are a couple with 2 girls. Few weeks after moving i went over with some some chocolates and said hi and general chat outside door step with the man, i even said tell your other half to pop over for a cuppa it would be lovely to meet her. The man has always been polite to us and will acknowledge us however the woman has not once said hi, there have been times when she is in the house and ive gone to drop off their parcel and she has not opened the door instead shes waited for her husband to come home to collect it.
From what i can tell there are no language barriers or health issues from what i can tell. Im not too bothered by it in all honesty as ive got far to much going on in my own life but just out of curiosity im baffaled as to why she is ignoring us.

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 14:30

I feel like I don't belong on MN sometimes. I actually even open the door when someone knocks. Grin

I am so grateful for my next door neighbours nowShock.
Even scored some milk of them when I run out. We chat over the fence on occasions during summer, exchange fruits of our garden labour and sometimes even have a cuppa together. It all started with polite "Hello. We are x & x and we are just moving in" on a street. And there is a gendration gap between us.

I can't imagine living next to someone I have never ever spoken to or they have never spoken to me. Even a simple hello. We are on "Ya allright?" basis with majority of the street, occasionally there is even a bit of a chit chat about weather or what's happening.

We've even given out Christmas cards last few years to most houses (don't worry, they are all recyclable) and got back.

I can understand that for some having new people knocking on door and introducing themselves can be bit too much, but saying "Hello." out on a street is just a basic politness.

'Community spirit' is incredibly important IMHO. It can provide support, comfort and safety, all of which we all need. It's sad to see that people are happy not knowing their neigbours at all. Even sadder that it leads to cases like the man who died and none of the neighbours realised for years! The body was still there......

Oakenbeach · 14/12/2018 14:34

I don't think you sound pushy either. An awful lot of MN posters are introverts or unsociable so you won't get an unbiased opinion on here.

Agree. I’m naturally quite introverted, but the anti-social attitudes on here are really quite sad.... and not normal either. In my experience most people are happy to be friendly with their neighbours... not “best friends forever” and always in each other’s pockets, but on friendly terms and not averse to the odd cup of tea or even barbecue/drink at Christmas etc....but then I’ve always suspected MN of having a disproportionate number of misanthropes!

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 14:37

Personally I'm massively antisocial, don't want to be best friends with all the neighbours but I still think you have to have some manners - say hello when you see someone (even if you scurry off as fast as possible like me). Unless you have social anxiety or are in the middle of important work you should answer your door when someone comes round with a parcel. It also just makes good sense to be on good terms with your neighbours - you never know when you'll need a favour from them. We also live in a society and it's nice to have some sense of community, you don't have to join the parish council and arrange a street fair but a simple hello isn't too difficult (unless you have a medical or mental health issue in which case obviously do what you need to do).

Oakenbeach · 14/12/2018 14:40

Everyone on my road is social to each other... literally everyone. We’re not best friends or anything but will give Christmas cards, have a chat when we see each other, and help each other out when needed..... But then I live rurally. Is there a rural/urban divide maybe?

HugoBearsMummy · 14/12/2018 14:44

I only speak to my neighbours if I ABSOLUTELY can not avoid it Grin It's not that I'm weird or rude or anything of the sort, I just have no interest in making small talk with people I barely know. I will of course speak if spoken to though. My DH on the other hand LOVES chatting to neighbours and any random strangers for that matter, he's such a curtain twitcher as well, it drives me mad, we're polar opposites in that sense!

Valasca · 14/12/2018 14:45

Do you know if she was actually out when the parcel delivery came? Or did she not open the door to the delivery guy either?

That would be your clue as to whether she doesn’t want to befriend immediate neighbours or it’s something else and she won’t even open the door for her own delivery. Though then I’d wonder why she’s ordering stuff to be delivered to her door Grin

tiggerkid · 14/12/2018 14:45

Might be shy or have some kind of social anxiety disorder. I personally would just let her be. Not everyone is keen on getting to know their neighbours and having cups of tea with them. There is little you can do other than to just accept it as it is.

Yohooo · 14/12/2018 14:46

Surely most normal people would greet neighbours in some way and nottotally ignorethdm. I’m suprised so many posters think a wee smile or wave hello is so difficult.

I don’t want to socialise with a lot of my neighbours but I wouldn’t dream of blanking them.

OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 14:52

Who do you all borrow tools from? 😂

Steamedbadger · 14/12/2018 14:53

Be careful what you wish for OP. My neighbour ignored me for years, then we had some building work done and she turned into the bitch from Hell. I was quite relieved when we'd finished the (necessary and not particularly disruptive) work and she went back to ignoring me. Most of my neighbours have been lovely and we've got on well though (even when I lived in That London)

Bonkersblond · 14/12/2018 14:54

We have lovely neighbours one side, in as much as we take parcels, may have a hello and a quick chat, but have a neighbour dispute the otherside, definitely a lesson to me not to get too friendly with neighbours.

TatianaLarina · 14/12/2018 15:00

As you see OP, you’ve come to the home of women who can’t talk to the neighbours. 😎

MutedUser · 14/12/2018 15:00

A simple smile and hello is enough with neighbours I think. Don’t get me wrong If they ever needed help in an emergency I would do it in a heartbeat but I don’t want to be friends with them I have friends I barely see as it is . I also don’t answer the door when I’m home alone unless I know someone is coming over or I am expecting a parcel .

OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 15:08

Interesting to see how many people are fine with not knowing any neigbours.
Do you think there is a link between the modern way of living like this and the fact that there are just so many people who have no support network at all, literally no one, as we often see here on MN?

I don't know how you, but when I was growing up, albeit in different country but this "no idea who lives around me" is showing there as well now, we allways knew at least 3 houses each way on very good basis. Not BBFs, but good. When there was an emergency we could help each other. Elderly neigbour had a gas leak once and spent afternoon with us while the house was being sorted. We were looked after by another neighbour when mum had to go to hospital unexpectedly and dad was 3 hours away and things like that.
I know there is lots of neigbours from hell, but there always was and everyone just stayed clear of them.

TheWholeTruth · 14/12/2018 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorldofTofuness · 14/12/2018 15:29

But hiding away when you deliver a parcel to theirs that presumably you've taken in as a favour, is a bit more than just being shy or not wanting to be friends. If they're going to expect you to take in parcels they could be civil about it!!

That's pretty much my take on it. I'm not an especially sociable person (struggle with social cues etc.--suspected AS-ish for decades...), but being content for you to take in parcels while ignoring you...just no.

Oh, and presumably if it's normal not to interact with neighbours, we won't have any hand-wringing next time somebody dies alone with no-one noticing until the smell gets too much?

LoniceraJaponica · 14/12/2018 15:38

Wow! Some of you don’t seem to understand the difference between being friendly and being pushy, or being unsociable and being downright rude.

“I don't understand anyone who would want to be friendly with their neighbours”

Why not Shepherdspieisminging? Do all your friends have to live at least a mile away before they can be friends with you?

I don’t think the OP has been over friendly at all. What kind of world do we live in where a friendly overture is viewed with such suspicion?

“I find what you said pushy,”

No it isn’t beachcomber243, it really isn’t. The problem is that you find her pushy. I think she is just being friendly. OH is unsociable, but if a neighbour says hello he doesn’t blank them or ignore them because he isn’t rude. Good manners cost nothing.

I’m with you oftenhangry. We live in a different world to the posters on here. OP if you came to live near me I would make you feel very welcome. In fact, one of my neighbour friends has just popped round with a card and Christmas gift and an invitation to go to her house on her birthday. We have invited them round for New Year. This friendship has taken years to develop though. It wasn’t instant.

To the posters who hate interacting with their neighbours, by all means be unsociable, but please don't be rude. It isn't nice.

tomatosalt · 14/12/2018 15:47

I would be thrilled if I had a friendly neighbour who wanted to have a cup of tea with me OP.
However my MIL prides herself on speaking to absolutely none of the neighbours.

tomatosalt · 14/12/2018 15:47

Horses for courses I guess?

Dieu · 14/12/2018 15:50

Rude and strange.
Don't worry about it, OP!

delilabell · 14/12/2018 15:51

You could be talking about me.
We've lived here for 6 months.
I know i appear like I'm ignoring neighbours.
I'm not intentionally. I'd love to talk to them but I have chronic anxiety and struggle to leave the house. I woukd HATE having to open the door to someone I don't really know.
Maybe a Christmas card and a bottle of wine or selection box for each child just saying if you want to pop round over Christmas it woukd be lovely. I wouldn't m be able to but I wouldn't feel as isolated.

Oakenbeach · 14/12/2018 15:59

Maybe a Christmas card and a bottle of wine or selection box for each child just saying if you want to pop round over Christmas it woukd be lovely. I wouldn't m be able to but I wouldn't feel as isolated.

I agree, though I’m guessing many of the borderline sociopaths on this thread would see that as akin to stalking, get the police involved and seek to serve them with an exclusion order.

Oakenbeach · 14/12/2018 16:00

LoniceraJaponica

I agree.

OP: you’re not the odd one here. It’s your neighbour and her ilk on here!

OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 16:13

@Oakenbeach I can imagine that sh*tstorm😂

There should be like a sticker people can put on their door.
"I am sorry, but I can't really talk to people. Don't take it personally, please". So neigbours know that it's not just someone from the MN majority, but someone with an issue and they might keep an eye out for them in case anything happen.
Or if someone tries to introduce themselves, but it is causing distress, maybe the person could go and pop a card with this so new neigbours don't think they are being rudely ignored. Plus again. People can keep an eye out for each other?

People can't know when someone has an anxiety or so. And we can't really assume everyone who doesn't communicate has it. I would certainly not give chocolate to someone who I have never spokent to or they never spoken to me. That would be odd. Plus I would probably end up in Daily fail as "The crazy neigbour who tried to poison us all!" 😒

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 14/12/2018 16:25

I like being polite and friendly to my neighbours but I don't want to actually be friends with them...I think a lot of people feel similar.

The neighbour may have social anxiety issues, mine are way better now but at their worst I wouldn't always open the door for deliveries.