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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour has ignored us for over a year

318 replies

Mk1234 · 14/12/2018 08:26

We moved in a year ago, next door to us are a couple with 2 girls. Few weeks after moving i went over with some some chocolates and said hi and general chat outside door step with the man, i even said tell your other half to pop over for a cuppa it would be lovely to meet her. The man has always been polite to us and will acknowledge us however the woman has not once said hi, there have been times when she is in the house and ive gone to drop off their parcel and she has not opened the door instead shes waited for her husband to come home to collect it.
From what i can tell there are no language barriers or health issues from what i can tell. Im not too bothered by it in all honesty as ive got far to much going on in my own life but just out of curiosity im baffaled as to why she is ignoring us.

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 14/12/2018 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MasonJar · 14/12/2018 09:34

Perhaps the neighbour wouldn't have ignored you for a year if you hadn't appeared overfriendly when you first moved in.
The typical British reserve means many people need to know a bit more about neighbours before inviting them to their home. This happens naturally through saying hullo in passing, taking in and collecting parcels, brief chats about the weather etc.

pinkdelight · 14/12/2018 09:34

I don't have anxiety, but I don't like cuppas and I can't do small talk. I'm a sociable person in the right circumstances, but it's very random who you live next door to and I'm pretty chilly compared to my DH who does the taking parcels around etc. I'm polite enough if I can't avoid a hello/chat, but once it's taken to a cuppa level, it's even more awkward to pull back. One set of neighbours initiated going around for drinks so we did that back and forth a couple of times and had nothing in common, actively disagreed on some social/political stuff, and now it's harder to be polite and really obvious that we're not inviting them back for drinks. So I think ignoring is preferable tbh. It's different if you're v gregarious of course. My dad will chat to anyone and always ends up cooking for and looking after various neighbours in need. He's a lovely person. I'm not bad, but I'm not like that and nor is your neighbour so let her be.

Cawfee · 14/12/2018 09:34

Oh god. If a neighbour was chasing me for cups of tea I’d move! Awful. Make proper friends. Just because somebody lives next door to you doesn’t give you automatic route into their lives. Leave them alone!

MrsJayy · 14/12/2018 09:38

tbf the op said once to the man and isn't chasing them down the street she isn't Mrs Doyle

Pinkruler · 14/12/2018 09:38

We have had the same with with one set of neighbours in the past. He was reasonably friendly and would have man-chats with DH, but she was always very frosty. They had a baby and I said congratulations - she just about managed a very chilly smile but was never any better.

She was a primary school teacher which made it hard to understand as I assumed (back then) that all primary school teachers were lovely!

I don't think she had social anxiety - she didn't look remotely nervous - she was just plain unfriendly.

Mydogisforlife · 14/12/2018 09:39

Thank goodness I live in a street where people chat if they meet, and open the door if you take a parcel round.
We even have the occasional farewell party if anyone is leaving.
I know with certainty that I could call on my neighbours on either side for help if it was needed.
That doesn't mean we all 'pop in for a cuppa', though. Nobody is pushy, just pleasant, which I think is perfect.

BuggerandBalls · 14/12/2018 09:42

I had a neighbour who was like this. Her partner was always lovely and friendly, but she would literally wait in her car if I was outside the house rather than have to speak (she also never collected parcels and didn’t answer the door). I never took it personally; just assumed she was really shy!

tryinganewname · 14/12/2018 09:42

I'd quite like that to be honest! I have lovely neighbours and we chit chat but I'd be just as fine with not speaking at all.

Some people don't want to be pally with their neighbours and that's ok. I'd find it very weird to just turn up to Next door and ask for a cuppa!

gamerwidow · 14/12/2018 09:43

She just doesn’t want to talk to you. It’s a bit rude but no one is obligated to be your friend. I’d leave her to it.

Jenala · 14/12/2018 09:47

Popping over for a cuppa with new neighbours is my idea of hell. I think you introducing yourself and taking chocolates is very kind and nice but I know me and my DH would both find it a bit much personally (though we'd consider that to be our problem and you to obviously be a normal friendly person).

We've been here over 3 years. One side of us don't talk to us at all and we had to negotiate cutting down a tree via notes posted through each others doors. They prefer not to talk and that's fine. The other side are quite chatty and we often have a small catch up if we run into each other, take each others bins in etc but that's it, I've never been in their house or vice versa.

I do find it weird not to even exchange a smile with my other neighbours but they obviously have their reasons.

PirateWeasel · 14/12/2018 09:49

I'm not the most sociable person in the world, and I would find an invitation to "pop over sometime for a cuppa" to be too open ended. I would feel like I'd have to guess when a good time for you would be and I would be very embarrassed if I got it wrong and you were busy. But if you'd given a day and time I'd be more inclined to come over. Could you maybe invite them both round for Christmas drinks or something? Not answering the door about the parcel is strange though. Maybe she is just very shy.

Ilikeknitting · 14/12/2018 09:49

Don’t fret about this.
Maybe your neighbour had a bad experience with previous neighbours being too friendly or turning nasty, maybe she has ample friends and doesn’t need ‘the woman next door’ adding to her already hectic social life, maybe she is painfully shy a bit weird herself and knows you’ll dump her once you realise she is into swinging/Morris dancing/ train spotting. Maybe she is a really famous author and she thinks you only want to befriend her to gain access to her other famous friends. Or maybe, like me, she has no reason to be friends with someone just because she lives close.

I don’t even know the names of any of my neighbours, I work from home and take in packages for all of them, but we don’t even nod when we see each other at the local pub etc. It’s sad, but it’s different times to how my parents were with the neighbours, everyone chatted and was friendly. Pop them a Christmas card over and make sure she knows she is still welcome to come for a drink.

italiancortado · 14/12/2018 09:50

Anxiety
Antisocial/unsocial/not sociable
Religious
Rude

WTF?

She may be NONE of the above. Not getting involved with the neighbours doesn't make you any of those things. I simply don't want to make friends with people simply because they live near me. I have friends. I do socialise. Maybe the OP neighbour is the same.

italiancortado · 14/12/2018 09:51

Oops ignore my always sentence structure there. It was simply a mistake Grin

Junkmail · 14/12/2018 09:55

Your neighbour is like me Grin I do say hello to neighbors if we both happen to be in our driveways at the same time but apart from that I have nothing to do with them. They seem perfectly nice but I just don’t want to socialise with them because when I go home that’s my private down time. It’s nothing personal and I suspect it’s the same with your neighbour OP. I wouldn’t dream of going over for tea or inviting them in to my house. I also don’t answer the door after a certain time at night unless I’m expecting a visitor becasue I get quite anxious in the house alone at night (my husband works at night). I’m sure it’s not you. Maybe your neighbour is a little anxious too. That’s not a health issue you would be able to see from a glance.

beachcomber243 · 14/12/2018 09:55

From past experiences I don't mix with neighbours, it can go wrong in many ways and can't then be reversed. I couldn't live with a persistent, uncomfortable atmosphere every time I went out, because my home is my sanctuary, my safe place.

I'm not particularly sociable, have social anxiety, am private and like to be left alone. I find what you said pushy, would feel pressured and I would back right off. However I am pleasant, wave out to neighbours in the street, say Hi and leave it at that.

My next door neighbour now is not very pleasant. I leave her to it, she has a problem. I care not.

walkingtheplank · 14/12/2018 09:56

I don't talk to any of my neighbours, and that's through choice.

When we moved in a decade ago, we were surrounded by neighbours who were lovely and considerate. They'd lived here for decades and took pride in the street and. In the intervening years a number of people have moved away and new people have moved in. Until recently I made the effort to welcome new neighbours, with a pot plant, a hello, and 'just knock if you need anything'. All of them quickly start building work - we now have much less privacy and light as a consequence - and strangely have all employed builders who are so flipping rude, verbally abusive and find it necessary to park across my drive - or even on it. I have no idea why. The new neighbours don't see it as a problem.

This year 3 houses in the road have changed hands. I haven't bothered saying hello because I can't stand the good start which is replaced with belligerence. As I type this I can hear 3 lots of builders and my car is not parked on my drive as, you've guessed it, a builder's van is parked across it.

But, in your case, she might not need you to be a friend. Some people are extravert, some aren't. At least she's unsociable rather than anti-social.

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 14/12/2018 09:56

We had a neighbour like that, husband was quite friendly, chatted to us when we saw him, she did not seem to like him talking to neighbours and would come out and get him in if he was talking to people. We both worked long hours and I don’t think we ever saw her in all the time we lived there.

Jenny17 · 14/12/2018 09:56

Your neighbours hubby probably didn't deliver the message just forgot. Lots of people don't open the door when they are not expecting anyone. Or it could be that your neighbour is not that into speaking to you.

nomorearsingmermaids · 14/12/2018 10:02

My niece summed it up brilliantly when her mum asked her if she wanted to make some new friends and she said incredulously 'I've already got a friend' Grin

BookwormMe · 14/12/2018 10:04

We're on chatty terms with our next door neighbours and often stop in the street for a hello and know if there was an emergency we'd help each other out, but I wouldn't want to strike up a really close friendship, because then I'd feel obliged to invite them over or pop in all the time.

amusedbush · 14/12/2018 10:10

I have terrible anxiety and can't bear chit chat. Being stuck talking to a neighbour sounds like hell to me.

I'm not even sure I'd recognise my neighbour if I passed him on the street!

Juells · 14/12/2018 10:14

I wouldn't take in any parcels for them. They don't want to be palsy-walsy, and are entitled to be that way.

I'm friendly with most neighbours nowadays, but when I was younger, with small children, I was horrified when a then-neighbour (who's now one of my best friends) started accosting me in the street and trying to chat Grin I told my DH "She followed me down the street talking at me!!!!"

WinterfellWench · 14/12/2018 10:20

I am anti social, but that is my right. So anyone insisting I (and people like me) are 'wrong' and miserable can bore off.

I am with the neighbour here. 'Tell her to come over for a chat and a coffee!' would have sent chills through me. It comes across as an demand, and would have irked me massively. I would have avoided talking too. Just coz someone is a neighbour, that doesn't mean they need to socialise with you FGS! Hmm

I speak to my neighbours (12 sets in our cul de sac) when I see them, and often chat for 5 minutes, and send Christmas cards, and would step up in an emergency, but I do NOT want them in my house, or for them to be in mine!

I actively avoid ANYone who tries to railroad me into socialising and mixing with people more. It's horrible when people are pushy. No wonder the poor woman hides now!