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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour has ignored us for over a year

318 replies

Mk1234 · 14/12/2018 08:26

We moved in a year ago, next door to us are a couple with 2 girls. Few weeks after moving i went over with some some chocolates and said hi and general chat outside door step with the man, i even said tell your other half to pop over for a cuppa it would be lovely to meet her. The man has always been polite to us and will acknowledge us however the woman has not once said hi, there have been times when she is in the house and ive gone to drop off their parcel and she has not opened the door instead shes waited for her husband to come home to collect it.
From what i can tell there are no language barriers or health issues from what i can tell. Im not too bothered by it in all honesty as ive got far to much going on in my own life but just out of curiosity im baffaled as to why she is ignoring us.

OP posts:
Girlfrommars77 · 14/12/2018 09:00

I don’t think mentioning ‘pop over for a cuppa if you fancy’ is being pushy Confused OP hasn’t been knocking the door every day she just mentioned it once, it wasn’t taken up and she’s fine with it.

I guess your neighbour just doesn’t fancy chatting OP.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 14/12/2018 09:04

I’m like this. I’ve no interest in knowing my neighbours and would find it rather awkward for a random stranger to invite me over just because we happen to live next to each other Confused

newmun · 14/12/2018 09:04

I second the anxiety. As i suffer as well and sometimes i cant cope with opening the door etc.

Christmasgone2018 · 14/12/2018 09:05

Because someone is unsocial does not make them socially anxious. I live in the middle of two other houses. They are extremely social with each other but I have realised I do not want to be friends with these neighbours. They are fine and I'd always say Hello but, personally, I like to keep neighbours more at arms length and remain a little distanced though polite

Heyjudas · 14/12/2018 09:05

I've had awful experiences with a neighbour before, so I keep myself to myself now.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 14/12/2018 09:05

I don’t think mentioning ‘pop over for a cuppa if you fancy’ is being pushy confused OP hasn’t been knocking the door every day she just mentioned it once, it wasn’t taken up and she’s fine with it.

Girlfrommars77 Firstly, there was no ‘if you fancy’ about it, OP said tell her to pop over with no get out attached.

Secondly, OP clearly isn’t fine with it as she’s started an entire thread about it.

Fairylightfurore · 14/12/2018 09:06

I work from home a lot so wouldn't necessarily open the door either, and have ignored a written invitation to pop around for coffee with next door on the end basis that 1( It was vague and didn't specify a date and time so I assume was a polite way to be friendly and 2) It may be a bit awkward until we interacted more. I will say hi and stop for a chat though. Don't overanalyse this. I doubt she puts any energy into thinking about you and I really doubt she is ignoring you. She probably just has a 'full life'.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 09:07

She just doesn’t want to be friends with you. Why are you so bothered?

Err it sounds like more than that if she won't even open the door to get her parcel.

She may just be very shy. My friend had a girlfriend who was so shy she just hated meeting people. If people popped into his flat when she was in she'd hide in the bedroom. Just massively socially anxious.

LakieLady · 14/12/2018 09:07

If a new neighbour told DP to tell me to "pop over for a cuppa" he'd be polite but inside he'd be pissing himself: firstly that he'd be able to "tell me" to do anything and secondly at the notion that I'd even consider it.

We're on good terms with (almost) all our neighbours, help each other out and so on, but no way would we want to socialise with them just because we happen to live on the same street.

I think it comes across as pushy and, to be brutally honest, a little bit desperate.

MasonJar · 14/12/2018 09:08

Fortunately none of my neighbours have tried to get me into their home.
I'd try to avoid them if I thought an invite was likely, especially from someone who'd just moved in.
We smile and say hullo in passing and everyone seems happy to leave it at that.

dippledorus · 14/12/2018 09:09

Oh yes yes yes to the work from home ignore the door. I do this.

I’m working. I can’t just stop and go and chat to some random. Which is what that would turn in to. Go and get the parcel do you want coffee. No way to refuse without being rude and that’s my day gone.

I work flexibly around D.C. and that means evening and weekends are often work time for me.

mayhew · 14/12/2018 09:09

Ive lived in my street over 20 years. Most neighbours are on nodding, parcel taking terms. A few are good friends. When one died recently, the family had a great deal of support from the street in all sorts of ways.
But one woman has blanked me from day one. Just looked straight through me when I said hello.
I've since discovered that the few neighbours who have had contact now avoid her because, frankly, she's unpleasant, suspicious and argumentative.

It's her loss. Because there are really helpful, kind and interesting people here that she'll never know.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 14/12/2018 09:09

Firstly, there was no ‘if you fancy’ about it, OP said tell her to pop over with no get out attached.

Bloody hell surely you have better comprehension of the subtleties of language than this! Or are you just desperate to have a go at OP?! "come round for coffee one day" "we must go for a drink soon", "let's go for dinner". People say these things and don't literally mean "YOU MUST COME FOR DINNER WITH ME. YOU HAVE NO OPTION TO REFUSE". It's a turn of phrase.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/12/2018 09:12

I don't think you sound pushy either. An awful lot of MN posters are introverts or unsociable so you won't get an unbiased opinion on here.

I like the sound of you BTW, but I am sociable and get on with all of my neighbours. We even socialise every now and again Shock

OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 09:12

And people often wonder why community spirit is dying out...

QuizzlyBear · 14/12/2018 09:19

I lived in London for a decade and never caught more than a glimpse of my neighbours as they scuttled from the house to the car to avoid conversation!

We moved out of the city and within 24 hours had a cake, chocolates, wine and cards from neighbours on both sides. The one with DC of a similar age was very persistent and I hid from her knocking a few times (7months pregnant and not feeling sociable!) but eventually we built a good relationship and our DC have been friends their whole lives.

Different areas have different 'rules' and sometimes it takes time to adjust to them.

Or she could just be very introverted and not enjoy unexpected visits!

edwinbear · 14/12/2018 09:24

I'd hide if I thought my neighbour wanted to have a cuppa with me too. My neighbours are nice enough, we take in parcels and exchange pleasantries, but I have zero interest in becoming friends with them or hanging out in their house. It's cringeworthy.

mumsastudent · 14/12/2018 09:26

maybe she is a Londoner or a city dweller previously & they in general don't mix (keeping self to self) or maybe she feels her house is amess & is embarrassed about neighbours seeing it. Just be politely distantly friendly & let things take their time. Better to have a quiet not unfriendly neighbour than a neighbour from hell!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/12/2018 09:27

Could be lots of things. She might be worried you’re going to turn into one of those neighbours who always needs a favour. She could just be shy. Your initial approach might have been a bit full on for her, but that’s not to say she won’t come round in her own time.

I would continue be friendly but don’t push too hard. We always send Christmas cards (hand delivered) to the nearest few neighbours in our street - my DH started it years ago and now we all do it. It’s the only contact we have all year with some but it keeps the channels communication open for those who want it.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/12/2018 09:28

Why is it cringeworthy to be friendly with your neighbours? Confused

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/12/2018 09:29

*channels of communication. When I say we all do it, I mean the neighbours reciprocate, not that the whole family send individual cards. That would be weird!

MrsJayy · 14/12/2018 09:30

I don't go into nrighbours for cups of tea I don't have social anxiety the neighbours always say helllo have chit chat. 1 neighbour is quite stern looking and never really says hi but her husband does not everbody wants a pally relationship with their neighbours continue to say hi to her op maybe she doesn't want tp get into chit chat but if you keep saying hello then you are being friendly

strawberrisc · 14/12/2018 09:31

You sound really friendly but this would be my worst nightmare. My home is my sanctuary.

onalongsabbatical · 14/12/2018 09:31

It's her loss. Because there are really helpful, kind and interesting people here that she'll never know. There are helpful, kind and interesting people all over the planet. But personally I already have enough people in my life and I like to maintain the close ones and not expend energy on getting to know new ones entirely on the basis that they live nearby. I'm an introvert; it doesn't feed me, it drains me. It's not wrong, it's not a choice, and it's not weird. It's a different type of person with different needs.

PumpkinKitty82 · 14/12/2018 09:32

Maybe she has anxiety and is very shy.
I am always polite but I do try to avoid Unnecessary conversation with people sometimes , I can’t help it , it’s just the way my brain is wired I guess

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