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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour has ignored us for over a year

318 replies

Mk1234 · 14/12/2018 08:26

We moved in a year ago, next door to us are a couple with 2 girls. Few weeks after moving i went over with some some chocolates and said hi and general chat outside door step with the man, i even said tell your other half to pop over for a cuppa it would be lovely to meet her. The man has always been polite to us and will acknowledge us however the woman has not once said hi, there have been times when she is in the house and ive gone to drop off their parcel and she has not opened the door instead shes waited for her husband to come home to collect it.
From what i can tell there are no language barriers or health issues from what i can tell. Im not too bothered by it in all honesty as ive got far to much going on in my own life but just out of curiosity im baffaled as to why she is ignoring us.

OP posts:
I8toys · 14/12/2018 10:21

I don't really talk to my neighbours apart from a quick hello when I see them. I'm not interested. Some know everyone's business in the street but I can't be bothered with it.

cantfindname · 14/12/2018 10:22

Been here 32 years and am on 'Hello' terms with all my neighbours. Chat with next door both sides on occasion, but that is as far as it goes. I don't want people in my house who are there only by virtue of living close, friends are always welcome. I wouldn't describe any of them as friends, just acquaintances and I would hate to be constantly asked for a cuppa. I was asked to a barbecue earlier this year but my partner had died the previous week so I had a good excuse not to attend.

I am not unfriendly, I just don't want to be involved in minor dramas and squabbles that have nothing to do with me.

Theoryofmould · 14/12/2018 10:28

We have a neighbour like that, she wont speak to a single person in our street. I'm quite unsociable and although I will always make pleasantries with neighbours if we bump in to each other, I will also look out of the windows to make sure no one else is putting their bins out before doing my own. I'm really poor at chit chat and one of my next door neighbours loves a chinwag. My hearing is not great either so I struggle to hear what they're saying, I've probably agreed to a swingers party in the past with my nodding because I can't think of what to say or hear them properly Blush

WinterfellWench · 14/12/2018 10:28

The thing that fucks me off on these kind of threads is the sheer disgust of people who DO like to socialise, (and don't 'get' people who don't!) who start spouting shit about how unreasonable anti social people are (in their opinion!) And they yabber on like people who are anti social OWE people their company, and what bastards they are for not wanting to socialise!

If people don't wish to socialise or answer the door or mix with people or talk to you, it's got fuck-all to do with you! Just accept some people are different to you, and quit having a go at people. I would hate to have people like this in my neighbourhood (or my life.) These are the kind of pushy fuckers that I actively avoid!

adaline · 14/12/2018 10:43

I'm friendly enough with the neighbours - as in, we say hello on passing and sometimes we stop for a quick chat if we're both taking the dogs out at the same time, but I'm really not interested in a close friendship with them.

Like PP's my home is my sanctuary and I like coming home and just being in peace. I like my neighbours and they're not bad people but I don't want to spend my days off/free time having them popping in for chats and cups of tea!

Dollius01 · 14/12/2018 10:45

I suspect my neighbour feels the same about me. We moved here two years ago and they were really friendly, brought round wine and then invited us over for drinks etc. We have not returned the invitation. The reason? Because I have had terrible mental health issues over the past year and my DH has been working overseas for the past 12 months. I can barely keep on top of managing three children (at three different schools), plus freelancing from home, plus my DS's major mental health problems (think CAMHS referral etc).

My point is, you have absolutely no idea what her life is like and you should probably not expect so much from people. If my neighbour had made an issue out of my "unfriendliness", it quite probably would have pushed me over the edge sanity-wise.

onalongsabbatical · 14/12/2018 11:00

WinterfellWench we should live next door to each other. It'd be perfect peace and silent harmony. Grin

Laiste · 14/12/2018 11:05

Neither me nor my kids are social butterflies by any means, but it was amazing the lengths one set of next door neighbors would go to to avoid even eye contact for four years. Two adults and a couple of teens. Detached houses, plenty of space, no issues.

Even my 3 teen DDs would walk in sometimes and mutter ''bloody hell next door are all such miserable bastards!'' Grin

Coffee mornings and long chats in the street? No ta. A smile is all that was ever expected :)

OldBean2 · 14/12/2018 11:07

I moved to a new address in London and this morning the chap across the road offered me a lift to the station, which made my day. I have been there less than a month, hadn't been introduced but thought it was a lovely gesture.

In previous homes, I have always known my neighbours, not in an in your pockets way but for occasional drink in the garden in the summer, getting wreaths when one lady died and candles during power cuts. For me just a bit of common humanity.

skybluee · 14/12/2018 11:11

The thing is you've no idea what's going on in her life or what might've happened.

Maybe she was attacked last year.
Maybe she's afraid of opening the door.
Maybe she has schizophrenia.
Maybe she has no MH or physical problems at all, and she isn't a very nice person.
Maybe she had issues with neighbours before and is scared to get to know any again.

Yes, it would be nice if she said hi to you and came around to visit. But at least she isn't causing any problems. I guess my point is you just never know. Maybe she really wanted the parcel and wanted to open the door to you but was afraid. Or maybe she's just rude. You can't force someone to be friends with you if they don't want to be. You could try saying hi really loudly to her but if she doesn't want to respond I guess she won't.

ambereeree · 14/12/2018 11:16

I'll be honest OP I'm like your neighbour and i dread people like you. A polite hello is enough.

dustarr73 · 14/12/2018 11:18

Well i would stop taking the parcels in.Im an unsocial person but i would say hello to neighbours.

But if she doesnt want to interact,leave them be.You are giving it way too much headspace.

midsomermurderess · 14/12/2018 11:19

I would agree that she just doesn't want to socialise. Someone moved into my building a couple of years ago and was so demanding, phone calls, notes through the door, come and see me, everytime I ran into her she would expect me to stop to listen to her. It was hellish. I sent her a note in the end saying I am very private and essentially wanted to be left alone.
In your case, I doubt it's personal, many peoople seem not to like socialising with neighbours.

OftenHangry · 14/12/2018 11:20

Why does it seem like there are only 2 options?
Not even an eye contact or having drinks at each other's houses?
There is that wonderful middle ground any polite adult and child can live with.
"Hi." smile a bit.
"Hi." they smile a bit.
Everyone goes on their merry way.
That's it...

CousinKrispy · 14/12/2018 11:27

If I am in the kitchen with the extractor fan going I can't hear the door. Maybe she hasn't come to the door for parcels because she just didn't happen to hear you at those times.

In addition to not being the kind of person who wants to pop round for a cuppa with a stranger. Obviously many people don't like that.

I like having a chat with my neighbors over the fence and we are all happy to take parcels for each other, but I wouldn't really want to pop over for a chat and a cup of tea unless the fence-chatting had made it obvious we really enjoyed each others' company.

Pinkkittens292 · 14/12/2018 11:29

It sounds like me!
I suffer from agoraphobia and always hide from anyone who comes to the door!
It's not something I deliberately set out to do and I know it must come across as rude, strange or anti social.

Worieddd · 14/12/2018 12:15

I have never been to my neighbours for a brew and I’m never ever going to. Bleurgh 🤮

taxiforMIL · 14/12/2018 12:29

Stop taking in parcels for them or if you must then wait for them to come and collect it.

What the hell is wrong with people? A simple smile and hello is very easy. But on MN there always has to be a reason why she can’t do that.

Any wonder the world has gone mad?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 14/12/2018 12:40

Oh god, I couldn't even tell you the first names of our neighbours on one side! They sort of run into the house to avoid saying hi, the guy is a grumpy arse and the woman seems really nervous. The most I've spoken to them was a "the postman left a parcel with you" and that's it. Probably doesn't help I called the police one night their son was screaming the place down (in his teens) and it went silent after a very loud thud. That was him slamming his room door shut, not someone landing on the floor as I imagined!

Some people just don't want to socialise with their neighbours. shrug

wink1970 · 14/12/2018 12:58

@walkingtheplank exactly the same here. We've lived here since the houses were built 18 years ago and what was once a lovely street of people who cared for their houses and shared spaces has been slowly replaced by over-extenders, litter louts and drive-blockers.

Some new people have moved in a week or so ago, and this is the first time I won't be going round with a card. Sad, because it starts with indifference and ends with a street where nobody would report you being burgled. Time to move....

Brazenhussy0 · 14/12/2018 14:07

I'm on polite terms with my neighbours; taking in parcels, nodding hellos, brief chats and suchlike. But this ease with each other developed over time...
If a new neighbour appeared at my door bearing chocolate and invites for coffee I'd be a bit Confused. It's overbearing and presumptuous when you don't know anything at all about the people living in the house you just rocked up to without any consideration.

It could be that your neighbour doesn't answer the door to anyone who isn't expected. It could be she has social anxiety. Or maybe she's just a little introverted.
Regardless of the reasons why, it's not actually any of your business.

maddening · 14/12/2018 14:12

I am very sociable and will chat to anyone but I work full time and have not got time to go round for cuppas - if I have any spare time I would use it for my existing friends and family.

My neighbours have never bothered me nor I them, we just live our lives.

knittedmouse · 14/12/2018 14:17

I'm actively frightened of talking to my neighbours. I'm autistic and was bullied out of my previous house by a set of vicious harridans. My new place is very nice, but I'm so scared that they identify me as weird, that I can't talk when I see any of them. I nod and smile, but can't sustain a conversation.

Not everyone is able to, or even wants to, chat.

MamaDane · 14/12/2018 14:23

You sound very friendly and seem like a nice neighbour to have.
Personally I am quite asocial, so I would probably not open the door either. Grin

Some just prefer being left to themselves. I don't think YABU but I don't think they are either.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/12/2018 14:29

Well it seems everyone is a lot more accepting and forgiving than me! I don't particularly want to be friends with my neighbours and am rubbish socially however I will stop for a chat and always acknowledge them...there are often things you need to speak to your neighbours about or favours to ask them so it's always a good idea to be on good terms.

But hiding away when you deliver a parcel to theirs that presumably you've taken in as a favour, is a bit more than just being shy or not wanting to be friends. If they're going to expect you to take in parcels they could be civil about it!!