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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cover for my cheating son

205 replies

Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 00:27

Hey everyone
Really need help on this one !!! My 26 yo son has been married for 6 months only, he already as a 2yo dd , and has been in relationship with his dw since they were teens.

So he asked me about 3 days ago if I could tell his wife that he will be spending the weekend with me ( I live 2 hours away). I asked him why. He refused to tell me. I insisted and he confessed that he is seeing another woman... I can't believe it , I love my dil. Now he's mad and won't answer my calls and texted me 'you're my mum you should be on my side and not judging me'

Aibu ?

OP posts:
ID81241 · 16/12/2018 12:37

Oh no OP that's awful - even worse update. It must be really tricky for you. If I was you I would give your son an ultimatum - since you now know, you cannot hide it from DIL, so either he tells her or you will.

The longer this plays out the worse it will get - he needs to come clean immediately as think about the years he's wasting for your DIL ...waiting for your DGS to get older. She deserves to know and make an informed decision on the relationship. Better she finds out from his, but second best is that she finds out from you. Worst scenario is that she finds out many years down the line as is his intention, and discovers that you knew all along and helped him cover his cheating up. Sorry to say but his actions are really selfish - not fair on his wife, his girlfriend nor on you.

You are trying to salvage your relationship with your son...but I think you need to think about your relationship with your DIL and DGS - they are the innocents in this. But also make it clear that you will always love and support your son, but that does not mean condoning and assisting wrongdoing.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/12/2018 13:02

oh god how awful, he's absolute scum. selfish bastard. are you going to tell her? I guess how can you not knowing he never will but I don't envy you it must be so difficult for you.

Original poster
Jillianmay · 16/12/2018 13:05

No I am not going to tell her. I will nor cover for him. I want to forget everything and be out of this mess.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 16/12/2018 13:06

Hi Op - reading your thread - very sorry about the update.
Your son is a conniving cheat, liar and adulterer.
His choices/options shouldn't even be a consideration.
I agree with a PP - that he's playing both women.
From you, or your son, your DIL deserves to be told what a deceitful person she shares her marital bed with.
Flowers for you, and all the innocent parties involved.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/12/2018 13:29

you may want to forget everything but it doesn't work like that. I fear when your dil finds out you knew she will cut ties with you. you're also enabling your son's shitty behaviour

tabulahrasa · 16/12/2018 13:38

“No I am not going to tell her. I will nor cover for him.”

By not telling her, you are covering for him... you’re helping him to deceive her.

ClaryFray · 16/12/2018 13:44

Op - your son is an arse. I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. You seem like a decent mother. Your DIL will find out, it always happens. She's been preoccupied with DD and wedding but it will come out. It'll also come out that you knew your son will more than likely tell her when it gets messy. Id tell your son he has x amount of time to decide to come clean with his wife and decide to stay or leave.

Your grandaughter will grow to think this is normal.

MeredithGrey1 · 16/12/2018 13:55

He wants to wait until his daughter is older? Why? To put it bluntly, at what age does he think it will be easiest for his daughter to hear that her father has been cheating on her mother since shortly after she was born?

For the sake of your granddaughter I think you need to say something now.

Namenic · 16/12/2018 14:00

If I was your DIL or the OW I would want to know.

CandyCreeper · 16/12/2018 14:10

Going against the grain here, No I wouldnt tell dil. Nor do I believe the amount of people that say they will. But its easy to pretend on an online forum.

aintnopartylikeansclubparty · 16/12/2018 14:10

Op you have to tell her, at the very least because he is compromising her sexual health.

MintyCedric · 16/12/2018 14:11

You poor thing, what a hideous situation to be in.
I can totally understand why you don't want to be the one to tell your DIL, but you will have to try to convince your son to be honest with her. All there is now is damage limitation.

Having been through a divorce when my DD was 11/12 (no cheating involved), I can only say that his theory about waiting is BS. It would have been a million times easier to do it at an age when she was largely oblivious and I suspect she would have ended up with a better relationship with her dad as a result.

MintyCedric · 16/12/2018 14:12

Incidentally, I also waited. I began having doubts about my marriage when my DD was about 6.

Leaving is horrible, but staying will cause more damage in the long run.

WeCameToDance · 16/12/2018 14:37

Your son is a horrid person. I feel for you though. I wouldnt want to tell either, I dont know if I could even bring myself to. However, please bare in mind that when the shit hits the fan (and it inevitably will) your son is likely to tell your dil that you knew. I know full well that if I was your dil I would want nothing more to do with you and I wouldnt facilitate a relationship between you and your grandchild either. It would be up to your son and he sounds so selfish I wouldnt want to bet that he would care whether you lost out. The other woman is also wasting her life. What if she gets pregnant? Or starts looking for marriage? She is wasting years that she wont get back with someone who will never put her first. Its a shitty situation all around and I dont blame you at all but sadly I think you will be the one loosing out at the end of this.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 14:45

The trouble is, if you are as close to your dil as you say, isn't she going to sense that something is up? Will you really be able to hide your feelings?

UnleashTheBulsara · 16/12/2018 16:27

You think of your DIL like a daughter. If you had a daughter, and you discovered her husband was cheating on her and asked you to cover for him, would you stay silent to her? Would you risk her finding out that she was being cheated on (for years!) and that you had known and didn't tell her...?

It's so very hard, and awful for you as the betrayal by your son must be so terribly painful. But you didn't create this terrible situation, he did, by his actions alone. But once you know, that's different. If you say nothing, you condone his actions. I doubt your poor DIL will find that forgivable.

Lots of sympathy for you OP, it is hideous. But somebody has to do the right thing

AmandaBuffamonteezi · 16/12/2018 16:39

My sister was engaged to someone years ago. They had been together for 5 years and she knew his family really well, was close with his sister and mum. They'd often go on spa weekends together and do other things.

She found out that he had another woman too. He'd been with her for about 3 years. The thing that hurt her most was that his family knew. They had met the OW. They bought them both presents at Christmas, went out with them both too. My sister was in bits. The OW was too when she found out that she'd been lied to by all these people who were supposed to care about her.

This might be outing but they both devised a plan and ended up turning up to a family event together and dumping him. They're still in touch now and they even went on a holiday together a few months later!

I know it's hard but I think you should tell your daughter in law. It's awful and it's going to hurt her so much but it will hurt more knowing that you've known too and kept it from her. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 16/12/2018 17:58

The shitty Daily Fail have picked this up. Fucking slow news day for that rag.

Walkerbean16 · 16/12/2018 19:17

You should tell her, try and salvage a relationship with her and your GC because he is an arseholes who is not worth it.

magoria · 16/12/2018 19:28

You are really stuck in a horrid place.

However if he ever gets the balls to leave and DIL finds out you have known for 1/5/10 years that will be the last you see of the DC with her. The only time you will see them is on his weekends if you are lucky.

I think the best thing is to tell her and be there for her.

DaffydownClock · 16/12/2018 19:39

So he's not only been cheating for two years, he's blackmailing and trying to manipulate you as well?
I'm sorry but I wouldn't hesitate to tell my DDIL in those circumstances, and I would be so bitterly disappointed in my DS. I would want to try to preserve my relationship with her and my DS at all costs; DS could look after himself as clearly he has no compunction in lying to everyone else to cover his tracks.

SoaringSwallow · 16/12/2018 19:39

OP of course, you don't have to tell her. That's your choice.

But be conscious of that: it's an active choice you're making and with that, like with any other ones, come consequences or repercussions.

You may see yourself as neutral, but you are choosing to be complicit in a massive betrayal of your grandchild's mother.

There will be repercussions that you won't be able to control and you may very well not like them.

And remember, your next grandchild may come from the other woman...

Narcs1 · 16/12/2018 20:01

He is getting angry with you for not being willing to lie. That is not a good example to anyone. And what would happen if your DIL found out you had lied to her? Her trust and friendship with you would be pretty irreparable and then you would look worse in her eyes. Plus it also means your son believes he can control you...if he can force you to lie to cover up cheating then what other unreasonable demands would he make? One lie can be very costly. Good luck xx

busybarbara · 16/12/2018 20:04

He's a horrible person for putting you in that position. He may be"cheating" for a legitimate or defendable reason but it's not on to get you involved as it gets too complex.

Wrybread · 16/12/2018 20:07

Please tell her.

I know you probably just wish he'd never said anything. But he did.

I wish one of the people who knew about my ex cheating had told me. I have no relationship with any of those who knew/suspected and didn't say. And that's because them keeping it from me was also a betrayal, on top of his betrayal.

Right now by not telling her, you are betraying her too.