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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not cover for my cheating son

205 replies

Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 00:27

Hey everyone
Really need help on this one !!! My 26 yo son has been married for 6 months only, he already as a 2yo dd , and has been in relationship with his dw since they were teens.

So he asked me about 3 days ago if I could tell his wife that he will be spending the weekend with me ( I live 2 hours away). I asked him why. He refused to tell me. I insisted and he confessed that he is seeing another woman... I can't believe it , I love my dil. Now he's mad and won't answer my calls and texted me 'you're my mum you should be on my side and not judging me'

Aibu ?

OP posts:

Waddsup12 · 14/12/2018 10:24

I'd say back "I am a good mother, I love my family...all of them"

Sounds like he doesn't like his wife much if he wants you to disregard her. It's totally weird he involved you, maybe think some sort of break down?

Waddsup12 · 14/12/2018 10:26

I think get yourself some counselling. Really this isn't your mess to fix, tho I think you will have to but he's been very unkind to involve you.

SoaringSwallow · 14/12/2018 10:33

I understand what moral says. I think that too. Perhaps the reason people are saying "tell him" is because we think that bit goes without saying. Of course you love him. - you're his mother! That won't change, even if you don't like what he's done.

The fact he lost his father this year is a big deal. Not an excuse. But that could of course turn things upside down - including how he's (not) responding to you now. Maybe he's realised life's short and he's been with the same person a long time already. Maybe he is looking for more love. Maybe he wants an escape. They're all valid, BUT none are an excuse.

I'm not sure a single person here doesn't feel for you. Really, whatever our reactions, nobody would want to be in your place.

Have you messaged him to tell him that you don't like what he's doing but you love him and always will? Or is he not opening messages?

Madmozzie · 14/12/2018 10:55

He shames me too : " You're not a real mother .... your love isn't unconditional ... why do you care so much about her, i am your child nor hers ".
He's not helping himself here, is he? Surely part of being a good mother is demonstrating what is right and wrong to your children, not just enabling them to get away with whatever they feel like doing? He's the one in the wrong in this situation, he must know that. He's just being selfish and trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants.
Whatever happens it's going to be hard on dil. The longer you leave it to tell her (I'm assuming DS isn't going to man up and tell her in the next few days), the less respect I suspect she will have for you. (My mil was extremely blase about finding out my dh cheated, although condemned me for telling ppl. I have v little respect for her on the whole now, and do not go out of my way to get her and fil together with the DC when dh is away, as I used to do.) Out of the two, your dil deserves your respect and support more than DS, unfortunately.

Confusedbeetle · 14/12/2018 10:58

I would and have fallen out with my son over infidelity. I expect better. If they take that as siding with the wife then tough

Patroclus · 14/12/2018 11:23

I cant stand this 'dont judge me' nonsense. Judgments make the world a better place.

LakieLady · 14/12/2018 11:30

I want to convince him to talk to her first, and if he says no, I will do it myself. But I will not without prior discussion with him.

I'd give him 48 hours to tell her, and that I'd tell her myself if he didn't do it by then. And stick to it.

You must be so disappointed in him, OP, and angry.

LakieLady · 14/12/2018 11:33

I cant stand this 'dont judge me' nonsense.

Ime, it's nonsense generally spouted by people who behave badly.

9thCircleInHell · 14/12/2018 11:52

I was your daughter in law this time last year. Except it was my sister in law who knew about the affair and was complicit in covering it up to protect her piece of shit brother.

Now she doesn't get to see her niece and nephew, I think that I actually hate her more than I hate the other woman. The other woman didn't owe me any loyalty but I had been in that family for nearly 20 years and my sister in law helped destroy that.

The only person who supported me was my father in law, he was disgusted with his children and still plays an active role in the kids lives.

ChimesAtMidnight · 14/12/2018 12:19

You're not a real mother .... your love isn't unconditional ... why do you care so much about her, i am your child nor hers

Wow ! He's not applying that sentiment to his own child though is he ?
He's happy to risk destroying his daughter's happy homelife, stability, everything she knows.
But expects his own parent to be unswerving in her loyalty and devotion to him.

MumW · 14/12/2018 12:28

I'd be considering losing my son and keeping my DIL and GC but that's easy for me to say.

MumW · 14/12/2018 12:33

@ChimesAtMidnight makes a good point.

bertielab · 14/12/2018 12:35

I could ‘support my son’ And my DIL.

I’d text him and say - you have not answered any of my calls for x days. If you haven’t phoned me back in 24 hours I will tell her. If you do phone back - we need to have s calm discussion about the way forward.

chillpizza · 14/12/2018 12:44

We might be putting ourselfs in the dils shoes but that’s the shoes that are being affected.

If they separated and she knows you knew and kept it a secret she will not trust you at all and may be even more hurt by you than your son if your relationship is more mother and daughter. She will feel like you where all laughing and planning behind her back.

You son needs to pull up pants and own up to what he has done, it’s his fault your in this situation but what you do with that information determines your relationship with your dil and dgc.

Tighnabruaich · 14/12/2018 12:51

He shames me too : " You're not a real mother .... your love isn't unconditional ... why do you care so much about her, i am your child nor hers ".
Wow, way to guilt trip you! What about his own son - does he not have unconditional love for him???

Why is on the verge of breaking up the family, or is just hoping to have his cake and eat it while you become complicit in his betrayal?

If the marriage is over then he should split from his wife and be with the other woman - once the marriage is over.

If he wants both wife and mistress then he's not a very nice person.

You can still love him yet hate what he's doing.

Tighnabruaich · 14/12/2018 12:52

How much worse the pain will be when the DIL learns you knew about it and said nothing, it will be like you stabbing her in the back too.

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:27

@chimesatmidnight another who agrees this is an excellent point. So you’ve got to back him up whatever, because if loyalty?

And yet he’s being completely disloyal as a father. He’s damaging his kids lives and your grandkids lives.

The fact that his father died should make him value those he loves even more. And who love and depend on him, like his kids.

Coyoacan · 14/12/2018 15:09

What a horrible position your son has put you in, OP. But do not let yourself be blackmailed by the idea that he will never speak to you again because unfortunately adult children are great at finding our weak points and playing them for all they are worth. Two of my best friends have sons who are almost forty who still play on their feelings of guilt about having made normal mistakes when they were children.

The worst thing is that the ones who are damaged by this are the sons, who just haven't matured properly.

Iamdanish · 14/12/2018 15:37

Please, when you speak to dil suggest, she and dgc come visit. If she comments that your son is going, then say "noo haven't seen him since..." That way you avoid being used as an excuse unknowingly.

LottieLou90 · 14/12/2018 17:50

I really feel for you to be in this position.

When I had my first serious relationship, I was so close to my ex partners mum. He cheated on me and she found out. She told him if he didn’t tell me then she would. She gave him 48 hours to tell me and he didn’t, so she kept to her word and she told me.

I was so grateful to her. It wasn’t as difficult for me as back then as no children were involved and we weren’t married but I will never forget how kind and understanding she was.

She has a good relationship with her son and his now girlfriend and we still text on birthdays and Christmas.

Please give him this ultimatum. It’s not fair on your DIL and DGC. It’s also not fair on you to have to carry this burden.

SantaClauseMightWork · 14/12/2018 17:53

Like some of the previous posters have said, if I found my Mil covered for DH, I will make sure my DCs find this when they are old enough to understand.

SantaClauseMightWork · 14/12/2018 17:56

That is some scum. 20 years.

TeddybearBaby · 14/12/2018 18:00

What a terrible situation for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Have you managed to speak to him yet? I wouldn’t be rushing to break up a family without knowing all the facts either for what it’s worth. Good luck!! 💐

romany4 · 14/12/2018 18:12

YANBU

I have a ds the same age. There's no way I'd lie for him. And I'd be telling him exactly what I thought of his behaviour

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 21:20

I was your daughter in law this time last year. Except it was my sister in law who knew about the affair and was complicit in covering it up to protect her piece of shit brother. agree that’s awful. So sorry about what you’ve been through.

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