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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cover for my cheating son

205 replies

Jillianmay · 14/12/2018 00:27

Hey everyone
Really need help on this one !!! My 26 yo son has been married for 6 months only, he already as a 2yo dd , and has been in relationship with his dw since they were teens.

So he asked me about 3 days ago if I could tell his wife that he will be spending the weekend with me ( I live 2 hours away). I asked him why. He refused to tell me. I insisted and he confessed that he is seeing another woman... I can't believe it , I love my dil. Now he's mad and won't answer my calls and texted me 'you're my mum you should be on my side and not judging me'

Aibu ?

OP posts:
greenlanes · 14/12/2018 21:30

My ILs rushed to support their son/brother and have ignored me ever since their son/brother left us. They believe all of his lies and talk about me as if I were scum. The sad thing is that my relationship with him was over but my relationship with them didnt have to be. I despise them and their weakness. So unnecessary.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/12/2018 21:46

I'd be considering losing my son

really? infidelity is a horrible thing but there are plenty of bad things that peoole do but to actually disown a son or daughter for this is wrong.

Op if yiu give him the ultimatum and have the discussion with him as you plan to then I think your DIL will understand and won't hold it against you. Its the timing thats dreadful because as you say you will ruin her christmas.

Personally I am going to go against the grain and say i expect him to end the affair now and tell her in January. He should never tell her you knew, why would he? Obviously if he won't end it or is leaving her you have a different decision to make.

Lizzie48 · 14/12/2018 21:49

What an awful position your DS has put you in, asking you to lie for him so he can cheat on his wife. I agree with PPs that no way should you cover for him, and, as you are close to your DIL, you shouldn't hide the truth from her. So I agree that you should give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't tell her then you will, and give him a deadline or he won't take you seriously.

You must feel so disappointed in him, I'm so sorely you're in this position. ThanksThanks

Coyoacan · 14/12/2018 22:54

to actually disown a son or daughter for this is wrong

Isn't the issue more about doing what the son wishes or risking him disowning his own mother?

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 23:04

@greenlanes I agreeand in the same boat. SIL has been awful about me ever since he walked out 2 years ago. He came back 2 months later and we’ve been together trying to work it out since that time. However the ILs have totally osctrasized me. For what? It’s so destructive, now I don’t really want them near their grandchild or nephew as all trust has gone. And when he’s older if he understands I will tell my DS what they have done so that hopefully he won’t make the same mistake.

Trust is there for a reason. We can’t have healthy relationships without it.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/12/2018 23:07

Isn't the issue more about doing what the son wishes or risking him disowning his own mother?

yes in the OPs case but the implication was that the person would consider disowning their son for what he did. (not the OP another poster)

turnaroundbrighteyes · 14/12/2018 23:18

Given he was planning to use visiting you this weekend as an excuse I think I'd be texting him along the lines of "get your arse back home this weekend to talk to me and I'll listen to everything you have to say or I'm coming to yours to talk to you instead" and then hear him out. Maybe he's planning on leaving, maybe he's had a wake up call and remorseful, like you say, you won't know until you hear him out.

ihatehoney · 14/12/2018 23:18

No way, I'd never cover in that situation, cheating is so morally wrong I just couldn't have that on my conscience! His poor wife will be home all weekend looking after his daughter and he's out with another woman. I think you have to tell her OP.

Honeyroar · 14/12/2018 23:24

I feel so sorry for you, he's put you in an awful position. He actually sounds like a spoiled, entitled brat, asking you to cover for him in the first place and giving you a hard time over not supporting him.

I think you need to be a bit hard on him. Tell him you're upset and he needs to come round and have a chat with you like an adult, if he can't be grown up enough to do that you'll have no choice, sooner or later, but to talk to your DIL. Tell him you are concerned about him, but you're more worried about his child and its mother and the upset they're going to go through, and you're not going to be made to be a liar. Tell him if there are problems in their marriage he should leave if he can't fix them and then start seeing other people, not doing it while still married.

(For what it's worth, I am still friends with my ex's mum, who was so good to me when her son jilted me just before our wedding and cheated. That was 15 years ago, and I've never seen my ex since. I have so much respect for her and her morals).

irunlikeahipoo · 15/12/2018 00:01

I’ve seen a different side to this sort of In my DH mother took his ex partners side when they split ( no cheating on his part’ ) but prior to this his mother had little to do with Ex when they were together

She took ex side in everthing and practically cut DH off
. Fast forward to now and EX is happily remarried DH and Ex get on fine
Kids are all grown up but DH has never forgiven his mother for taking his ex side and has not really spoken to her apart from the occasional family get together and he has very little to do with her . He sees her maybe once or twice a year if that and rarely answers the phone when she calls

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 00:44

Just firmly tell him you won't support his immoral behaviour.

If he then decides to disown you, you can always adopt your daughter in law instead. Wink

He really does sound entitled.

aintnothinbutagstring · 15/12/2018 07:35

I think if it was my son, I'd tell him I'd support him in being honest, whatever happens with his marriage, he cannot continue lying.

slappinthebass · 15/12/2018 09:38

I wouldn't tell her but I would give him an ultimatum. Answer my phone calls or I will tell her. And then I would have a long conversation that ultimately ended with telling him he needs to end the affair or you will tell her.

The4thSandersonSister · 16/12/2018 04:47

Here's a future prediction OP. Your DIL will find out about OW and your complicity in covering up his infidelity. She will be heartbroken and because of your supposed closeness she will feel doubly betrayed. Your relationship with her and subsequently DGC will be diminished.

In the meantime one of a number of possibilities will play out.

  1. They divorce he takes up with OW who knows you don't really approve of her, and will never replace current DIL, encourages your "morally flexible" DS to distance himself from you and the reminder of his prior family life and become more emeshed in her own family/circle.

  2. They separate she forgives him, but never forgets and your always viewed with suspicion and can never be trusted. Your relationship with both of them suffers as she distrusts you and he needs to be seen to accomodate her distrust as part of the "forgiveness package".

  3. They separate/Divorce. He is not interested in parenting other than playing occasional Disney Dad when he can be bothered, and until it all becomes too much like hard work, or needs to shine up his ""Dad" credentials for the next women he wants to be with. Your stuck wishing you could see your DGC, but your now ExDIL could not care less about involving you in the DGC's life (when it could be your your EOW DS that could be doing that)

There is not one scenario where your relationship with your DIL, DS or DGC has not been weakened or eroded beyond repair.

lonelyplanetmum · 16/12/2018 05:35

I just wanted to send you some Thanks.

I am guessing ( inexcusably) your son may be feeling in need of attention? Having lost his father and at the same time still coming to terms with the responsibility, maturity and self sacrifice involved in being a parent. He is still at a relatively young age. However all that is no excuse for his behaviour. Other people experience those things and do not exercise the same choice.

He needs to understand that you have been bereaved recently and instead of attempting to guilt trip you, he should feel some guilt for not supporting you and placing you in this position. If he had wanted an alibi for his shabby infidelity he could have asked a lad mate- not his recently bereaved Mum.

You need support at this time and I'm hoping you have a family member that you can confide in? A sibling or another DC? Or even a close neighbour? You need support too.

I am so sorry your son has placed you in this position.

If you google :
" when you love but don't like your adult child's behaviour"
there are quite a few psychology type articles. They do seem to say slightly different things but may help you rationalise your thoughts some more?

More .

lonelyplanetmum · 16/12/2018 05:36

Sorry, more Thanks

treesup · 16/12/2018 05:37

Just send the msg I need to speak to you today, if I don't I'll be speaking to DiL.

Then have a good chat with your son about why/where etc

Bluesheep8 · 16/12/2018 08:21

He absolutely shouldn't have put you in this awful position. Never mind your feelings for him and your dil, what does it say about his complete disregard for YOUR feelings. What if you had reacted by saying that you weren't able to speak to/see dil and dgc with this knowledge hanging over you? How would you/He explain that? Regardless of the moral aspect of what he's doing, it's his mess and his problem and now he's made it yours. Which is appalling considering the sad loss of your DH this year Flowers. He sounds selfish and horrible and needs to man up and speak to you.

MsJolly · 16/12/2018 08:59
Flowers
Zofloraqueen27 · 16/12/2018 09:03

Jillanmay - as a mother of sons myself I can only imagine how disappointed and upset you must be at your son’s dreadful behaviour - even worse he wants to drag you in to his deceit thereby making you his accomplice.

What happens next time when he wants a weekend away with his mistress - will you be asked to give him an alibi again?

When he moves on from this woman (who is low life also if she knows he is married with small children) which he will do in time - it is typical behaviour of cheats - will you cover for him again?....”Well you did last time mum and no harm came” ........

You have been placed in a terrible position. I would risk losing my son (and I don’t say that lightly) as opposed to my lovely dil and grandchildren - be there for them they deserve better and will need you when he shatters their lives.

Siding with your sons opens the gates for years of involvement and cover ups while he destroys lives and relationships along the way.

Good luck with this horrible situation in which there can be no winners Flowers.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 16/12/2018 09:42

Hope you have got hold of this boy of yours and talked some sense into him

You do have to tell her and soon because he is going to throw you to the wolves over this...he wants and expects you to cover for him

You haven't done this and he is angry

The very second your DIL finds out from any other source and confronts him, he WILL tell her that you knew and covered for him.

That wedge between you and your DIL will be getting wider and wider the longer you leave this.

Ceilingrose · 16/12/2018 10:11

His reasons will be the same as the rest of them.

Original poster
Jillianmay · 16/12/2018 12:20

Hey everyone

I finally talked to my son and what I discovered horrible ! I feel like I am watching a dramatic Mexican telenovela.

He told me that he's been seeing this other woman for 2 years!!! Yes 2 years !!! I asked him why did get married then ? He said that he wasn't sure if he really loved the other woman, and did not want to leave a woman who loves him for someone who maybe was playing with me and would have dumped him quickly. Plus his wife has just given birth and so it wasn't the right time to to tell her. But now 2 years later he is sure he loves this other woman.

I am so so disappointed... I really was happy for him, I thought them two were a happy couple.

I told him I could not cover for him and he had to tell her. But no,he wants to say with her until his daughter is older. So basically he wanna live a double life...

OP posts:
Original poster
Jillianmay · 16/12/2018 12:24

From what I understood, this other woman doesn't know he is married. I asked him how is it possible that after 2 years she hasn't asked to see his family. Supposedly , he has no family. I am so heartbroken. He is destroying 2 lives. I feel for this other woman too.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2018 12:25

So he loves this other woman but not quite enough to leave his wife for.

If he really loved this other woman and she was his soul mate he wouldn’t be waiting for when his dc is older.

I think he is still playing both women

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